Taps

This pretty much KILLED me... this & the two Marines that folded & then presented me the U.S. flag at my father's graveside.

And no, I wasn't the one who took the video. I was far too busy weeping & wailing like a big frackin' baby over by the wall crypt. One of my twitter friends shot this, as well as some great photos of the service that I'll post later -- I will forever adore him for it.

Sigh.

I love the Marines. G-d bless them for serving their country so bravely. G-d bless them for suiting up and showing up, not just at my dad's funeral but every. single. day. And seriously? G-d bless them for making sure my father was escorted safely to his final resting place. That is all.

Cake

I may be kind of biased... but I think they were just about the purdiest couple ever. Movie star purdy. G-d, I really miss them both. A lot.

Quick Update on My Dad

Here is a picture of my mom & dad on their wedding day; July 11, 1957... Joan & Hunter. Look how happy they were. How young, beautiful, healthy, strong. And oh so wonderfully hopeful for their new life together as Mr. and Mrs. R.

At 6:08am on July 12, 2008, my father passed away very peacefully with a hospice nurse by his side (thank you Daisy for being there w/ him when he passed). He was 83.

I have so much I want to say about my dad but I am really just too out of it right now to even focus properly. Losing both parents in just under a year is pretty sucky. What more can I say about that? Even though in many ways, I've been sans parents for nearly a decade, the REALITY of their both being gone is starting to hit me. And frankly, it's hitting me rather hard, which I didn't expect.

I will certainly post a far more suitable tribute to my Pop very soon. But until I can muster up the energy to do so, I'll simply say...

Goodbye Daddy. I love you & I will miss you always! Your daughter, Cheryl ~

This is the end, my only friend

My dad will be gone before the end of the day. Rushing off w/ my brother in a few minutes to make arrangements @ Sunnyside (Forest Lawn) where my mother was buried last July and then will go to see dad & say our goodbyes.

Apple Computer picked this day to upgrade iPhone software with absolute failure - no AT&T connection, so my iPhone is down & completely inoperable. I can NOT make or receive any phone calls or text messages.

You can leave messages at my dad's home phone (those of you who know me have the number).

Jeremy is still here & will be taking care of Declan today. I will update further when I can.

Love,

Cheryl

Just when you think it can't possibly get any worse...

It does.

My dad has been on hospice since October. He's had health problems for many years, a direct result of 40+ years as a smoker & a lifetime of alcoholism to boot. But once my mom died, his health went South in a hurry. Honestly, I am not entirely sure how (or why) he's held on this long, except that I think he's afraid of the alternative.

Yesterday, he aspirated on his lunchtime nutritional shake. By 4pm he was unresponsive. By 6pm, I was on the blower seemingly non-stop w/ my brother, the board & care facility administrator, with RN friends, and with the Hospice nurse, etc. By 7pm dad was on oxygen & a nebulizer treatment to open up his bronchial passages, and liquid morphine & Compazine to make him comfortable. My brother & I were at his bedside, holding his hands. He would squeeze our hands back fairly regularly. A reflex? An attempt at communication? I don't know. I'm just glad I was there b/c I never got to DO that with my mom, she was just gone in a heartbeat.

I left the facility at 10pm to go home to my daughter & her daddy who has been in town visiting since Tuesday night. I fell asleep next to his warm & familiar body, a body I've loved for almost 3 years (which is a whole other sad pathetic mess of a story) somewhere after midnight. Woke up at 3am drenched in sweat. From then on, I just dozed in & out of a fitful sleep. Gave up on the idea completely at 6:30 to upgrade my iPhone to 2.0 software, but that's not working. So, here I am. Blogging. Lucky you, my 2 or 3 readers! Happy Friday, aren't you glad you've tuned in? *snort*

No news yet from hospice folks about my dad, which leads me to believe he's made it through the night. I'll soon be faced with going back over to see him, as well to say goodbye to Dex's daddy for what feels like our third (and in some ways most painfully real) breakup. I'm not sure I can do this Mommy Thing without him, and yet really, I feel like I've never had him in the first place. Not really. And yeah we can point fingers back and forth all damn day about who's to "blame" for that, but what difference does it make? Love is a two-way street. One person cannot love enough for two. We both made mistakes. We both kept our walls up & didn't trust enough. And what I've learned too is that love & relationships take way more work than just about anything on the planet. Movies? They lie. You have to make the conscious choice to stay, to love, to be present, to communicate, to be willing, to do the deal together, to tell the Truth (no matter what)... Every. Single. Day.

I'm glad to know that I'm at least capable of doing that. I feel really bad though that I learned it too late to "save" this relationship, b/c this particular man pretty much means the world to me. I had no idea love could be this big. Almost as big as the love I feel for my daughter, and let me tell you folks, that love is f*cking HUGE.

I'm already grateful for this experience. If I'm lucky, someone may return the favor someday. Because ya know what? Turns out, I'm a total soft squishy girl & I want to be cherished & treasured & loved this much, I really do... But for today I'm just so done w/ all this damn grief. Enough already. I want my "Happy Ever After" -- even just a smidge would be nice. I'm just sayin'.

This is not a Poor Me post... I know that I'll be okay no matter what. I know I'll get through to the other side of what all this FEELS like right now. It's been a rough year, being a grown up is hard. Big deal. So what?

All that G-d requires of me is that I trust in the process, that I connect, that I strive to reach my Highest Good every single day. My life has a purpose, even if I don't always know what it is. Right now though, what I really I want is for someone to put their arms around me & tell me it's gonna be okay (and I want to BELIEVE them).

The end.