Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Soemthing I really need to remember...


But I get scared. And I get sad. And of course I don't say stuff out loud. And then my ego (bad voice) convinces me that everything is hopeless, so what's the bloody point, and then I just want to cut/run instead of listening to Spirit (good, TRUE voice)... and it says,

"Where are your feet right now, at this moment?"

And you know what? My feet are currently parked underneath my desk in this silly CubeFarm on the 4th floor of an office building in
Long Beach CA.

I'm good, if I can just remember that.

Also, I need to remember that this is NOT about anyone else. This is about me, and MY lack of faith that G-d has a wonderful plan for my life. Not down the road either, but right now. I'm already IN it. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow or 6 months from now. There are no guarantees for the "future" anyway. I'm blessed right now. I'm going to be okay, no matter what.

The issues I keep battling inside my head, as much as I want to make them about the "other person", they are ultimately my issues. And the one that seems most glaring is my utter lack of faith as it relates to me, my daughter and OUR lives. What other people do or think is really just NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I can totally see how G-d takes care of other people. I absolutely believe in the miracles and beautiful/amazing things in other people's lives. Why do I have such a hard time having faith that it's happening in my life too?

For today, I'm not going to be ashamed that I possess an ego (I'm human after all). I'm going to work a little harder on listening to the good voice, the "Spirit" voice that is vying for a more prominent position in my head. And that's as it should be. That's what spiritual & emotional growth is all about right? If I strive to connect w/ G-d on a daily basis, how can my life NOT get better? There is already so much proof in my life (and in the lives of those around me) that this is true… but I struggle w/ the action of being IN faith.

Argh. Being a grownup is hard work. Being in a grownup relationship is too. But I'm trying like a MoFo to get it right. I really, really am. And I think it's becoming clear that getting it right (for me) means taking a road LESS traveled. I already know how to take the road of "cut and run"… I think I'll try something different this time.


Cheryl ~

P.S. Did I mention Dex is CRAWLING now?! Holy crap!

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -- George Elliot

"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." -- Edith Hamilton

Monday, March 26, 2007

Month End Report(ing)

Dex turned 9 months old a little over 1 week ago. She already has her 5th tooth coming in. It broke through yesterday. AND she has started crawling in earnest over the past 2 days. More like an Army crawl actually. She drags herself across the floor w/ her arms and torso. Her Daddy saw her do it first. Of course. Look at what I miss being at work full time. Damn it!

Moved in w/ my dad over St. Patrick's Day weekend. New Sisal carpets were installed last Monday in my bedroom and the baby's, a few coats of fresh paint too and new windows are coming next week. But there is still so much to do to make the house I grew up in remotely livable for me, Dex and my dogs. For example, the shower. Oy. Taking a shower in that bathroom is truly the most depressing thing I've experienced in a long while. But the house been neglected for at least 20 years & was built in 1957, so you can imagine how "degraded" things are (to say the least).

Basically I'm still adjusting. Everything I own is still strewn about in boxes, completely in disarray, which doesn't help matters. I also have a garage full of stuff left at my old house that I need to pack up & get out of Jacki and Bob's hair.

To be honest, I do WANT to put all my stuff away but I'm so tired by the time Dex goes to sleep that all I really want to do is eat my crappy meal and fall asleep. I also haven't got the faintest idea where to start, it's so bloody overwhelming. I hate feeling so scattered and disorganized. Makes me crazier than I already am. I feel that old familiar downward spiral of despair and it freaks me out, but short of getting my ass to a meeting (or… what?) I'm just not sure where I'm at or where I'm going. Please tell me this will pass and I'll feel a f**king sense of normalcy again.

Then there is this other thing that is looming over my head that I really don't want to deal with. I know I NEED to deal with it, but maybe now isn't the best time… with all these other stresses. It just sucks though b/c I really don't want to make a decision about it right now, if ever. Ha. Like that's an option.

Okay. That's all I've got right now. Hope y'all are doing well. Sorry I've been so bad about staying in touch and/or keeping you updated. All I can tell you is that Mommyhood is a full time job which makes extra-curricular activities next to impossible at the moment. But I love y'all and miss ya too. Some day soon I'll come up for air again and we can chill like we used to in the "old" days.



Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Into The Mystic

So things got pushed back a little... but that's okay. My stuff will now be all packed up on Friday and moved over to dads between Friday & Saturday afternoon. Woot. One way or the other, I gotta go... just thought I'd be done by now.

I had the BEST time w/ my Girls on Saturday at my yard sale (Marnie, Jess, Marlena, Christine, Debe & Dexy). We sat on a blanket in the sun, ate sandwiches and laughed at all the retarded and CHEAP - assed people who came to look my stuff over.

Sunday was a smaller version repeat episode when some of the same gals came over to watch "The L Word" and we ate New York style pizza & salads on the floor of my living room. Damn, I sure do LOVE you guys (err, I mean gals)!

Then I got slammed w/ the stomach flu or food poisoning on Sunday and Monday. Still trying to recover from that. Missed a day at work Monday which is too bad b/c if I'd felt better I could have gotten a bunch of moving related stuff done, but instead I lay in bed feeling like death warmed over.

One good thing though, I read an entire book in 3 hours -- a luxury I've not had since I was pregnant w/ Dex. Gosh, I really miss being able to finish a book in one sitting. I miss doing it in a café in San Francisco even more. I'm just saying.

I just guess I'm feeling a little stressed and the reality of my house not being mine anymore is starting to hit me finally… actually, it really hit me when I drove up after work this evening. I thought, "This isn't my driveway anymore." Dumb right?

Okay that's really all I've got to say. It's so lovely having sunlight this late in the evening. Makes me feel motivated to take a walk or something "useful".


C ~

Friday, March 9, 2007

Moving Day

Moving Day is almost here ... Saturday March 17

Tomorrow I'm having a yard sale so that I can get rid of everything I won't need at my new house. The rest will be going to the dump or to Goodwill. Sunday, I start packing. Monday thru Thursday I'll start taking loads of clothes, boxes of kitchen stuff, etc. over at lunch or after work. By Saturday of next week, I'll be out of my little house for good.

Wow. The past 6 years of my life is at an end.

To be honest, I'm getting excited about all the positive change/s that will come with this move. Change may be difficult sometimes, but it's also a wonderful cleansing agent. Deep breath in, cleansing breath out. Here we go...