Down in the Bog: dexy girl

So Heather Armstrong (of Dooce.com) had a post the other day called Figuring it Out and she was asking if there is anyone out there that "dreads the weekends"... but since I'm not a member of her Community, I can't comment on her blog. So, I get to share my thoughts w/ you here instead.

The answer from me is an emphatic "YES! I DREAD WEEKENDS!"

Since becoming a mom anyway.

I know what those of you who are parents that have HELP (husbands, boyfriends, friends, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, nannies, etc.) will say...

You'll say "Oh no Cher, I totally look forward to my weekends! For us, it's all about family, unwinding, and being together time. It's about not having to be at the office. And not having to be without my darling babies. Or .... [insert fluffy cloud thought here] "

And so of course, you'll probably judge me b/c I send my kid off to preschool so that I can work from home. Or b/c I relish my alone time. And my oh-so-quiet, oh-so-sparkling-clean house. Or my "nobody to take care of but me" blissdom.

Or maybe you won't. I don't want to assume you're all a bunch of judgmental ninnies like me.

I certainly judge myself. At least a little. Okay, a lot.

I feel like I should want to be w/ my kid non-stop. Because let's face it, they do grow up so fast right? And I should be so thankful that I haven't had to go to a 40+ hour a week job for "The Man" 5 days a week for over a year now. And how awesome is it that I get to take her to preschool, or snuggle w/ her, or make her meals, and play with her in the park, or w/ her tea set, etc. when her dad, who lives in another state doesn't get to do any of that stuff.

But here's the truth, I wish he was here to do some of this stuff. For that matter, I wish Dexy had family of any kind that were willing and able to do some of this stuff. Because to be honest w/ you, I'm sick to death of being the only one who gets up and does this day in and day out. With no help, other than the help I pay. And I pay dearly y'all. Daycare wasn't cheap. Preschool ain't cheap. Grade school, and all the after school programs I'm going to need when school is out for summer or holiday breaks, ain't gonna be cheap. Babysitters sure as h*ll ain't cheap. If I want to see a movie, or have a night out w/ friends, or just not be a mommy for a few blessed hours, I have to leave my house and pay someone. Period.

And I feel like the whole stinkin' world doesn't really "get" that. Which kinda sucks. Because it makes me feel even more alone & isolated & misunderstood.

And I'm sorry, that's where my being a Single Mother (w/o an ex-husband to leave my kids with every other weekend or a few nights a week, or a current husband to hand the kid off to once and awhile so I can take a shower or take a walk, etc., or family who are still alive and actually interested in being in Dexy's life in a meaningful and permanent way) is very, very different.

Yes, I know. I know. Some of you will say your hubbies don't actually do any of that sh*t either, so you feel just as alone as I do. And besides, I didn't have to do this alone. I could have aborted my child. Or adopted her out to some nice rich white couple who would have paid handsomely for my perfect white baby. Or moved to Las Vegas where her daddy lives.

But apparently, I'm selfish. I wanted to have the life of my dreams in Seattle AND a beautiful little girl AND a wonderful loving committed equitable give/take relationship w/ her daddy.

So yep, I'm kinda bitter. Often I'm downright pissed off. And when I think about having to do this single mommy thing w/o help (financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally) for the rest of my life? It fills me with so much dread that I want to shoot myself in both feet, or run away to Alaska to become one of Sarah Palin's disciples (just kidding!), or put Dexy on a plane to Russia (I kid, I kid).

Instead, I just pray for Mondays to come (and for the weekend to end) ... b/c that's when I'll get a little break. And that's when hopefully, by the time 5pm rolls around and I have to trek down my lovely tree-lined West Seattle street to pick my sweet little girl up from her preschool, I'm rejuvenated enough to enjoy my evening with her, to soak every bit of her up, and relish in her every little cuteness.

And she is really cute y'all. I get that. I do.

I'm not so ungrateful to spit in G-d's face for the blessing he's given me. Dexy saved my life in a million ways. She continues to do so. Whenever I find myself really missing my mom or my dad, or the family I wish I had, I need only look at my baby girl and see that I don't have it so bad. Not really.

So the question is, how do I rid myself of all this rage and all the feelings of utter discouragement when it washes over me like a ginormous Tsunami? How do I cope w/ the possibility that I will in fact have to do this alone for the duration? How do I find peace, love, joy, happiness... in the little things so I can get through the big things?

I really wanna know.