I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test.
Changes - David Bowie
It's been five (5!) years this month since Dexy's daddy and I, you know, like, made her. Five years of ups and downs as a couple (five years of ups and downs as a woman for that matter). But *GASP!* at the end of this month, we'll not only be living in the same city/state for the first time ever, but in the same house.
Wow.
There are myriad reasons why this is a big damn deal. Some of which are... how will this pan out for a 43+ year old broad like me, who has never actually lived with a man (other than college roommates) and how will this pan out for our daughter? He's been married before. I've never even been proposed to. How do I share this home I've spent the last 2 years creating alone, in a city I really love, but that he's not necessarily 100% sold on? How will our work schedules mesh? How will we navigate co-parenting? How will we move in rhythm with each other, on a day-to-day basis, when we've gotten used to seeing each other for only 2-3 days once a month?
One of the biggest questions though is... how will I now define myself?
Despite my being with J for most of these past five years, we've never actually lived in the same city/state, so I've always identified myself as a single mom. There are myriad reasons for that too, but I'm not going to discuss them here.
In any case, the reality of it was, for me, that I was doing the parenting thing by myself. I didn't have any help from family members (my parents were dead before Dexy was two) and very little help from friends. I've been solely responsible for her daily care; housing, school tuition, clothes, food, diapers, toys, books, bathing, soothing, entertainment, travel, love, discipline, etc.
By saying that, in no way do I mean to diminish J's role as a dad. He's been absolutely great with her. And they cuckoo crazy LOVE each other, which is awesome. The bigger issue here is me. I've not always been the best at letting him just be himself. I've often been judgmental, resentful, petty, a nag, and even a downright bitch. Why? Because I felt entitled to it. Because I felt like I was doing all the hard work, while he got to be the awesome, cool, lovable, visiting dad.
But all that's about to change. I don't get to be the long suffering single mom anymore. I get to be one half of a parenting partnership. And one half of a committed relationship. In the same state. Same town. Same house.
I'm scared to death. But I'm excited too. Because, what if this is going to actually turn out great? What if the OLD definition was only an illusion, and this NEW and EVOLVING definition is the truth? What if this will be an amazing next chapter in ALL our lives? What if this is just the beginning of a life I've always wanted? What if I have the choice, starting right now, to just be happy?
That wouldn't be so bad, right?
Nope. It sure wouldn't.
