P.S. (Pre sleep? Post sleep? Praying for sleep?)

Leaving later today for Portland... another house hunting visit. This time my BF is coming w/ Dex & I. I'm glad for that b/c I don't wanna do this stuff alone anymore. The bummer of course is that it's just a "vacation". He's not leaving Vegas... and I'm not staying in CA. What next?

Meanwhile, I sit here wondering how much more "relaxed" I'd be (e.g. less stressed, less fat, less freaked out) if I actually got real sleep every night? Quality sleep? Sleep without interuption from crying babies, barking dogs, restless elderly fathers, rats scurrying the halls, roofers banging away above, phones ringing, sweat inducing nightmares, discomfort in my own bed. Not to mention all the thoughts & worries running tireless circles around some beaten clay track in my brain for hours upon end when I should be SLEEPING.

Probably would do me a world of good.

Easier said than done though. G-d, please let me get some sleep in Portland.

The end. Again.

Down isn't up...

Feelin' down I'm feeling really isolated tonight. Seems I always say or do the wrong thing & end up offending someone. Makes me want to just quit, everything. My job, my friends, my life, myspace.

Yes, I'm taking some things personally (Rule #1: never take things personally), but damn it, I feel really f**king "unwanted, unloved and alone" in this old house that's falling apart from years of neglect, with two dying dogs, my stuff still strewn about in boxes b/c I can't find the energy or free time to unpack them, and my 82-year old dry drunk of a father who is truly one of the meanest people I've ever known.

I miss my BF. I miss the stillness his presence brings. I laugh/smile more when he's here. I feel I've lost my "sparkle" when he isn't. I sleep better when he's next to me, which is saying a lot, b/c I don't sleep.

I'm going to go in the other room & watch my baby for a while. Her little face and soft sleep sighs always make me feel better.

G'night. I'm sure this too shall pass.

P.S. The Sopranos episode tonight was seriously messed up. I can't believe there is only one episode left.