Some days are just like that.

What a strange day. I've been feeling overwhelmed w/ loneliness & no particular cause to point to. I received 3 very emotional phone calls from friends who were having a rotten day and probably, in all honestly, feeling a LOT worse than me given their personal situations. But the emptiness remained settled into the pit of my stomach just the same.

I spend WAY too much time alone. That's MY bad, I know. But it's also just what it is right now. Sometimes I do want to be w/ people, but most of the time, not so much. That said, I can't hug & kiss Dexy enough when I pick her up in the afternoon from school. Is it wrong to get the love you crave & need from your kid when you can't get it from the grown-ups around you? Should I just bite the bullet & get out there again? I'm terrified. Where do I start? How do I let someone new in when someone else is still occupying a huge piece of real estate in my heart? Oh. My. G-d. How in the hell do I even just go out for freakin' coffee w/ other ADULTS when I have a little girl at home? How do I integrate "strangers" into my life, let alone hers?

F**k if I know. I'm just trying to get through my days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just biding my time until ... until what? Until I'm 75 and life is finally coming to it's natural conclusion? Is that really what I want to do for the next 30 some odd years? Just pass the time, always in a hurry to get to the next day b/c this one isn't feeling so great? Do I really want to keep asking WHY it turned out this way, or WHAT the other person is doing? It certainly doesn't serve me (or my kid) to do so. There is no good answer gonna come out of that kind of thinking, I know that from past experience. Maybe I am just burying my head in the sand, avoiding the inevitable, not giving in to the Truth b/c mostly I don't want to feel any worse than I already do.

I'm not complaining btw (hahaha). I'm just wonderin'...

Anyway, it's late. I should have been in bed an hour+ ago. Tomorrow's another day. There are places to go, people to see, diapers to buy, babies to cuddle. My niece's 1st birthday party is in the morning. Sunday is a big BBQ at my best friends house. When everything is said and done, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Just staying busy. If I do that long enough, eventually all this other shit will just fall away. I just gotta get to the other side. Any suggestions for how I might actually do that would be appreciated (from all the imaginary people that read this blog right? *snort*).

G'night all. Here's hoping I sleep. That wouldn't suck.

She's Come Undone

Today is another one of those days. I feel pretty damn hopeless & alone.

Lonely as hell too.

And it's days like this that I want to pick up old behaviors and bad habits; like cigarettes, or food, or just drink myself into a complete stupor, or hurt myself physically by sitting under the needle for hours having ink etched into my skin until it literally makes me cry AND bleed. Or to have stupid, meaningless sex so that I can feel something, ANYTHING but this rotten, stinking, self-loathing & emptiness.

Yeah, I know that I'm the only one who can "fix" me, no one else, and none of those vices are gonna fix what I'm feeling. And yeah, I know "this too shall pass"...

But what do you do in the meantime, until it does?

I know there has been a LOT of change in my life the past few years (see past posts). I also get that I have a direct part in all of it. I get that before tremendous growth, often comes tremendous growing pains.

I get that I'm supposed to SIT in it, not to try and skirt around it. There is no under, over or around. There is only THROUGH. But damnit. Sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I don't want to be "responsible". I don't always want to be the one who suits up and shows up. The one who always says, "I'm sorry." I hate that I'm the one doing the Parenting Class thing. I hate that I'm the one that feels lonely, alone, frustrated, out of control, & totally undone.

This is NOT meant to be a blanket statement, but from where I'm sitting, with the possible exception of Widowers or Single Fathers (who are solely raising their kids w/o any help from the moms), 99% of Dads just do not feel or experience these kinds of feelings when it comes to parenting. They get to detach from it b/c they are not the ones holding the bag 24/7 like moms are. And f**k dude, it isn't fair. It's not.

I'm just sayin'.

FWIW, these are MY feelings. Not a judgment or commentary on anyone else's life, or personal struggles, or feelings. I only know what I know based on my own experience, my own feelings, needs/wants, etc.

Speaking of which, today in class we learned about NEEDS... and that every single thing we do as human beings (children and adults) is a STRATEGY for INSURING that our NEEDS are being MET.

Uh. Wow.

So, when I'm frustrated. When I'm scared. When I feel alone, or lonely, or angry... which of my needs are not being met? And why is it when those needs aren't being met do I FEEL it's appropriate to take it out on my kid (or friends, or family, or lover, or the dog...)?

Examples of some of my current needs that I don't feel are being met:
Equity. Autonomy. Empathy. Security. Support (emotional). Shared workload. Sleep/Rest.

These are merely a few that come to mind off the top of my head.

Yeah, yeah. I'll get through this. I'm strong. And what doesn't kill us, makes us even stronger.

But damn if it wouldn't be nice, just once and awhile, if I felt like SOMEONE actually acknowledged, validated, HEARD &/or respected just how f**king hard this Mom thing, this Grownup thing and this Finding Me thing, is.

Meanwhile, I still want to self-medicate it all away. I'm not gonna. But I want to.

This too shall pass.

The End.

Down isn't up...

Feelin' down I'm feeling really isolated tonight. Seems I always say or do the wrong thing & end up offending someone. Makes me want to just quit, everything. My job, my friends, my life, myspace.

Yes, I'm taking some things personally (Rule #1: never take things personally), but damn it, I feel really f**king "unwanted, unloved and alone" in this old house that's falling apart from years of neglect, with two dying dogs, my stuff still strewn about in boxes b/c I can't find the energy or free time to unpack them, and my 82-year old dry drunk of a father who is truly one of the meanest people I've ever known.

I miss my BF. I miss the stillness his presence brings. I laugh/smile more when he's here. I feel I've lost my "sparkle" when he isn't. I sleep better when he's next to me, which is saying a lot, b/c I don't sleep.

I'm going to go in the other room & watch my baby for a while. Her little face and soft sleep sighs always make me feel better.

G'night. I'm sure this too shall pass.

P.S. The Sopranos episode tonight was seriously messed up. I can't believe there is only one episode left.