Mr. Good Enough is Actually Perfectly Awesome

I was over on Ms. Single Mama's blog the other day and saw a reference to this book:

Do NOT be fooled by this title!

And of course, the title totally made me cringe. But I bought it anyway. And now I'm more than 1/2 way through it, and much like the PAX workshops I've been attending since May, this book is changing my life. Not just incrementally. But like, monumentally.

Cool right?

So I'm sharing it with you my 41 readers.

P.S. You're welcome.

;-)

Fall Out

Ever had a falling out with someone (neighbor, friend, family member, lover, business associate, etc.) and then find yourself obsessing wondering how the f*ck you'll ever be able to extricate yourself from it? Yet with each apology, or peace offering, you end up sticking your foot even deeper into the proverbial sh*t?

Ever wonder how you be able to say "Hi. How are ya?" with a genuine smile if you happen to run into them on the street, in a cafe, or at the grocery store? Will the dreadful sick-to-my-stomach-I'm-surely-going-to-retch-now feeling that you might see them out & about ever cease? Will there come a point when just hearing about them in passing from a mutual friend or family member stops making you feel like your heart has been violently ripped out of your chest (for the umpteenth time)?

I'm just curious. Because this has kinda sucked enough already.

Some days are just like that.

What a strange day. I've been feeling overwhelmed w/ loneliness & no particular cause to point to. I received 3 very emotional phone calls from friends who were having a rotten day and probably, in all honestly, feeling a LOT worse than me given their personal situations. But the emptiness remained settled into the pit of my stomach just the same.

I spend WAY too much time alone. That's MY bad, I know. But it's also just what it is right now. Sometimes I do want to be w/ people, but most of the time, not so much. That said, I can't hug & kiss Dexy enough when I pick her up in the afternoon from school. Is it wrong to get the love you crave & need from your kid when you can't get it from the grown-ups around you? Should I just bite the bullet & get out there again? I'm terrified. Where do I start? How do I let someone new in when someone else is still occupying a huge piece of real estate in my heart? Oh. My. G-d. How in the hell do I even just go out for freakin' coffee w/ other ADULTS when I have a little girl at home? How do I integrate "strangers" into my life, let alone hers?

F**k if I know. I'm just trying to get through my days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just biding my time until ... until what? Until I'm 75 and life is finally coming to it's natural conclusion? Is that really what I want to do for the next 30 some odd years? Just pass the time, always in a hurry to get to the next day b/c this one isn't feeling so great? Do I really want to keep asking WHY it turned out this way, or WHAT the other person is doing? It certainly doesn't serve me (or my kid) to do so. There is no good answer gonna come out of that kind of thinking, I know that from past experience. Maybe I am just burying my head in the sand, avoiding the inevitable, not giving in to the Truth b/c mostly I don't want to feel any worse than I already do.

I'm not complaining btw (hahaha). I'm just wonderin'...

Anyway, it's late. I should have been in bed an hour+ ago. Tomorrow's another day. There are places to go, people to see, diapers to buy, babies to cuddle. My niece's 1st birthday party is in the morning. Sunday is a big BBQ at my best friends house. When everything is said and done, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Just staying busy. If I do that long enough, eventually all this other shit will just fall away. I just gotta get to the other side. Any suggestions for how I might actually do that would be appreciated (from all the imaginary people that read this blog right? *snort*).

G'night all. Here's hoping I sleep. That wouldn't suck.