Leaving on a jet(Blue) plane

Tomorrow my 3 week Austin adventure begins.

Part of me is excited. But an even bigger part of me really doesn't want to leave. I'm sick again, which doesn't help b/c I just don't FEEL good. I'm also questioning the reasoning of wanting to move at all. Not to mention second guessing myself to DEATH on just about everything else in my life.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it tonight... just need to get some rest if I'm going to survive the day long travel saga tomorrow. Will be glad when we get there & can just sit down, breathe and say, "we're here!"

Peace out my friends.

Miley Cyrus is "embarrassed"

I'm thoroughly disgusted with the latest saga & drama revolving around a Teen Queen.

This time it's all about Miley Cyrus & the Vanity Fair photo spread that Annie Leibowitz shot.

She's 15 for crying out loud! Who signed off on that? What part of that did Vanity Fair or Annie Leibowitz think was okay? Or her parents for that matter? To photograph a 15 year old girl as if she is a sexual object? Vogue, Elle, Cosmo, Sports Illustrated... ALL of the magazines that sexualize children in any way, shame on them! And yes, I do think that shooting a 14 or 15 year old model in a sexually suggestive position or outfit is JUST as offensive.

Shame on her parents, or her "people", or Disney for signing the consent forms in the first place. Good gracious, it's horrifying.

Btw, no. I'm not a prude. I'm just a mom to a beautiful 2 year old little girl. And I cannot imagine ever being okay w/ someone wanting to turn her into some sort of object of desire. Nude underwear underneath the sheet or not.

Hello?! Miley is a frackin' MINOR.

Enough already. Someone has GOT to stand up and say NO to this shit.

Just sayin'.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Several people have used that phrase around me in the past few days. It's a familiar phrase. I've heard it often in the rooms of Al-Anon & of course I lived it daily growing up in an alcoholic home. But what does it really mean? And if I subscribe to the notion that Words Have Shaman-istic Power (and I do btw), then what business do I have even saying such things out loud? Why give them any power or credence? I can CHOOSE not to, right?

Yeah, but here's the thing. The phrase really does sum up what I've been most afraid of for the past 2 years or so. I've always sort of been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never really trusting. Never really accepting, certainly never forgiving. Afraid of what happened anyway. Definitely angry (no, pissed off) about the situation -- but I think I've established that already. HaHaHa.

The shoe finally dropped and I'm walking through what that feels like, not trying to skirt around it or avoid it altogether. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I also know I'll get to the other side, because G-d so didn't bring me this far just to drop me on my arse.

Most days I'm kind of oblivious to it all anyway because frankly I'm used to doing this Mommy Thing alone, at least 99% of the time. That's the way it's always been, from Day 1 of my pregnancy in fact. Nothing has really changed except now I don't have a certain title anymore (e.g. The GF).

Life is funny. The way it serves up lessons, adventures, challenges, etc. It seems so haphazard sometimes, so random. But it's not. The Universe has one helluva good sense of humor, let me tell ya. So what can I do but roll with the punches & laugh? Bwuhuhuhuhuhu (belly laugh)!

Meanwhile, did I mention it's boiling hot outside? Well, it is. Ugh. Is this G-d's way of gearing me up for 3 weeks in TX? A test perhaps? Ha. Probably!

The end.

Pie.

I want to eat a whole caseload full of pie, until I burst & explode my useless stupid guts all over the floor (fave quote from High Fidelity, "My guts have shit for brains").

Good thing I haven't got any pie.
Or coffins for that matter. Just sayin'.





P.S. What the hell am I doing? I can't write anymore. I can't even read anymore. How will I ever compete w/ the younger, prettier, firmer, smarter, wittier, UN-mothers of the world? I'm serious. I want to know!

Fragmented

I've spent a good portion of my life stranded in some kind of time/space continuum that is not of this earth, i.e. not grounded, or somewhere "out there" rather than right here, where my feet are, in this moment. Present. Complete. Whole.

Maybe this is a Piscean thing; two fish swimming in opposite directions. Maybe I've never felt whole b/c I was given up for adoption & languished in Foster Care for 6 months before being placed w/ the family that ultimately became my own. Maybe it's having an emotionally unavailable father & controlling mother. Maybe it's being date raped at 15 or molested at 12 by a childhood friends brother.

Maybe it's NONE of those things & it's simply some story I've created to define who I am. Waa Waa Waa. Poor me right? I mean, hello! I'm the girl who practically shouts at people in 12 Step meetings, "If you want a different life, tell a different story."

So WTF?

Why is it that I'm NOT whole most days, or at least don't feel like I am? My brain is constantly somewhere other than right here in the now. Why do I continue to choose being rudderless & separate from The One, than doing everything I can to reconnect?

Why am I telling the same story & expecting a different life?

Today my therapist used the word "fragmented" about my current state of mind. She hit the nail right on the head when she asked me, "you're not here in this room are you?" I burst into tears & reluctantly looked her dead in the eye (something she insists that I do but have a hard time with) as I answered sobbing, "No, I'm not."

As with most people, my life has been a series of loss, abandonment & the requisite grief that goes with them. I'm not unique in this way, even if I like to THINK that I am. Oh yes, I suffer from a bad case of Terminal Uniqueness.

I've repeatedly attached meaning to those losses that are totally of the Ego Self. Meaning that does not serve me, that keeps me fragmented &/or from moving toward living a Life of Purpose. Yucky stuff like self-pity, self-loathing, low self-esteem, passive aggressiveness, doubt, fear, anger, bitterness, resentments, etc.

Crazy Town is where I go b/c it's what I know. It's familiar. It feels "safe". It keeps others from getting close. Even though I desperately want let people in, I don't trust them, so I act as if I don't need them (when I totally DO).

And b/c I'm all about personal responsibility & owning MY part in things, I apologize and admit to my craziness rather quickly nowadays. But in doing that, I also sometimes take on things that aren't mine to own. Like maybe it would be a good idea to THINK before I open my big fat mouth. Just sayin'.

But as usual, I digress.

Today I got to walk into Pam's office feeling completely disconnected from my life, from myself, from my daughter, from G-d & from this earth... and I got to spend an hour finding my way back.

In the past 3 years I've had a baby. A wonderful thing, something I never ever thought would happen (another story for another day). And my best friend reminded me this morning that Declan CHOSE me & the BD/ex-BF to be her parents so I cannot undo or disrespect what she chose.

I attempted to have a loving & committed relationship w/ her father, but it didn't work out. I should commend us both for at least trying right? Even though I made a lot of mistakes, even if I didn't honor my own worth (or his) I am going to try really hard not to see this latest & greatest loss as another failure on my part. Eventually, I'll get to a place of peace about this right?

I have to give myself a little slack too b/c I also lost my mom to Alzheimer's, my dogs to cancer, sold my home, left my job & moved in w/ my elderly father, who I then watched to the point that he required full time care. Major events in and of themselves, it's no wonder I can't figure out where the hell I am, let alone where I'm going.

Fragmented is a good word. And I'm not really sure how to put my pieces back together (mostly b/c I'm not sure they ever were together in the first place). I've been angry for such a long time. It's been a sick & twisted pal, my own personal Jesus, my anger.

The good news is that at least I recover more speedily from my nosedives into Loony Land than I used to.

E.g. In the past 24 hours I've realized that the biggest reason I visit Crazy Town is b/c I'm angry with someone for abandoning me(us). Figuratively and literally, over & over again. Granted, I allowed it & in fact, I am the one who set it up to be exactly what it was. And in so doing, *I* have repeatedly abandoned *me*. That is the real root of my anger right there.

I endeavor to tell a different story - for this day, in this moment, right now.

Will you help me write it?

The End.

This is SO much better.

As in SO much better than the crap most commercial radio is playing these days. And oh yeah, remember VIDEOS MTV & VH1? All that "reality" crap you intertwine w/ the Brittney & Beyonce garbage is ri-cock-ulous! Enough already. Play me some Johnny Cash!

Big, fat, bright-ass moon...

I can see you outside my window.
Damn, you're beautiful.

Today's Quote

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

— Elizabeth Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love"

Eating Happy©

My BFF & I have begun a new adventure together.
Check it out.
Or not.

But here's to us.
Cowgirl Up!

I'm not sleeping. Again.

Baby in bed. I was too, but then I decided I was restless. So here I am.

Earlier tonight I was at a friends house for BBQ No. 3 of the weekend (I'm such a social butterfly - HA). Anyway, this evening was at Tanya & Johnny's. Tanya is straight up Irish & I got all jerked up watching her w/ her sisters and mom. She is also one of the warmest gals I've ever known. Told me I need to come over more often, eat food, hang out, have adult conversation, let the kids play, leave Declan with them overnight if I was ever willing on occasion so I can get out & have some "me" time. What is that I wonder? Anyway, it sure was nice of her to offer. I may even take her up on it. Though I haven't any idea what I'd do w/ said "me" time.

Oh well, it's late & of course I'm missing my own mom. It's also a little chilly here (54 degrees) so I'm sitting at my computer with freezing feet & hands. Should crawl back into bed where it's warm. Should try and sleep, even though it generally eludes me most nights.

Mostly, I'm just really lonely. Full moon. No one to talk to. Except G-d.

Ho hum. Yawn. And goodnight.

Man up!

Interesting as hell that some people go through their whole lives never taking stock of their part in things. Who never see what THEY did (or didn't do) that contributed to the demise of a relationship, a friendship, the loss of a job, personal debt, weight gain, sexual dysfunction, parenting mistakes, etc.

Is it really possible to sleep walk through an entire life?

Is it really possible to be so sincerely loved by a partner, but to be so incapable (unwilling) of loving in return? To think it's the OTHER persons fault somehow that things didn't work out? To be so broken inside that you just shut down completely?

I'm asking these questions b/c yesterday someone I knew was found dead after being missing for several days. Apparently, he drove to a town that was significant to he & his wife & then he shot himself. He has children! Things weren't going so great in his personal life & yet he put on a "brave face" to the public, to the people who knew him, never letting on that his intention was to blow his brains out & leave utter devastation behind for his family, his friends, his children.

And I sit here loving someone who never once stood up & fought for me or for our daughter. Someone who gave a few days a month to "raising" her while I spend 24/7, 365 days a year doing it. How am I the "bad" guy when I'm the one doing all the work AND loving him too? I wanted his love, his time (REAL time), his gallantry, his participation, etc. I wanted him to choose US. Or at least choose SOMETHING. Was that so much to ask?

You know what? I used to think it was. But not today. Not in light of my friends death. Suicide is a horrible choice, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've had my own flirtations with that devil of a choice, but today I have a little face looking up at me each morning that says, "I need you Mommy" & I know that I could no more be that selfish than the man on the moon.

But there are other equally "evil" choices IMO. Choosing not to participate in raising the children you bring into this world (spiritually, emotionally, physically & financially) is JUST as harmful & just as cruel. And yet, so many fathers (and some mothers) do it every day. Incrementally, or wholeheartedly. It has the same affect. It hurts, it damages, it stings, it wounds.

Declan deserves better.

And you know what? So do I.

I'm sorry that me standing up for me and for our kid was too much to ask. I'm sorry that living an unexamined life is more comfortable, easier to manage, less complicated or risky. I'm sorry that I wasn't better able to communicate. I'm sorry that I chose to give my heart to someone who couldn't even be honest about the fact that he didn't love us. I'm sorry that I was too often all over the map about what I expected or hoped for. I'm sorry I never gave him the chance to be the man he deserves to be. B/c not letting him take care of us, or suggesting that I didn't NEED him was just as wrong. I'm sorry for a lot of things. How can I fix any of it? How do I stop being a mom to someone who is not my child?

I don't have any answers today. I'm angry that yet another friend chose to kill himself rather than have faith in LIFE & LOVE. I'm angry too that the person I have loved since my daughter was still growing inside of me has chosen not to choose. I'm angry that Declan will probably never get to have the full time, INVESTED & INVOLVED daddy she so deserves.

I swore I'd never be one of those women. Resentful, angry, petty. I'm gonna do my level best to avoid being that kind of woman. But some days, I have to admit... it's kind of hard.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to find a way to some peace in my life. Real peace.

I'm walking toward it. I know I'll get there.
And that's a good start.

Oh Geez! Dexy Girl...

Dexy turned 22 months old yesterday. In June, she'll be TWO.
That is too unreal.

Happy 22 months my darlin' girl.
I love you most of all.

Redheaded Sluts...

I'm making a list of all the things that I love. About Declan, about her daddy, about my family of origin & my family of choice (e.g. my dear friends).

I am going to include me on the list too, even though it's really hard for me to come up with much I like (let alone love) at the moment, it's the most important aspect of the list. For the first time in my life, I see that very clearly.

Don't know if I'll post my list here or not. I just want the Universe to know that I'm compiling it & that I am taking this task very seriously. Maybe when I'm done, I'll burn it in effigy & release it into the wind down at the beach. Maybe I'll tuck it into Declan's baby book with a picture of the three of us together. Maybe I'll put it in a letter, tuck it snugly into a bottle & set it free upon the ocean.

FYI: I can't find my focus either. Since my mom died, my rudder is gone. I have been floating in 2+ directions, without a sense of purpose or understanding. My alignment is off, the wheels keep pulling me in fruitless loop d'loops. And I've been jerking the people closest to me along for the ride to Crazy Town which ain't cool at all.

So, I'm working on figuring out how to build another rudder. One that is mine, all mine. So that I never again rely on someone else to help me find my way. Or am I supposed to rely on the people who love me & that I love? WTH?! I am so confused. Waaaaaa... I want my mommy!

I admit, I don't really know much at all. Well, I do know one thing actually... that NONE of this has anything to do w/ anyone else but me. The common denominator is me. I hereby decree that I will spend the rest of my days seeking happiness & fulfillment in ME, right where I am, no matter what the circumstances swirling around outside of my orbit, I will find a way to be happy with me & all that I already have. Because let's face it, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I am what I am.

Please G-d, help me find a way to be okay with that. Let me find that spunky, happy, self-sufficient, sassy, loving Punk Rock Girl that I know resides deep inside my black little heart.

I am what I am.

And I love you.

P.S. A Redheaded Slut is a very yummy drink. They also tend to get me knocked up.

Today's Quote

One forgives to the degree that one loves.
--La Rochefoucauld

Saying Goodbye

So I've been wanting to leave MySpace for a long time, but haven't done b/c there are TWO things about it that I still like; my friends & the music.

But today I realized that a) my friends are already in my life & if they really want to know what's going on with me, they can read my blog, send me an email, or *gasp* CALL me so we can hang out, like in real life! and b) I have many other resources available to help me find new & great music so why get bogged down w/ all the bullshit music that MySpace offers just to find those few rare gems? Na, I'd rather check out the daily offerings on Aquarium Drunkard & other cool music blogs, or just tune into my local indie stations like KCRW.

The rest of it is a total wash. Nothing but 12-year olds & poor writing skills, painfully slow load times for most pages, features and functions that go down daily (if not hourly), drama, etc. I'm just not interested in it anymore. Is it possible that at the grand old age of 41, I'm growing up?

Ha!

Okay, probably not.

Anyway, I pretty much deleted all the content off my page today. By the end of the week I'm closing up shop there for good. Just wanted to give the few stragglers a chance to find me over here on Blogger. Though, even that seems a little silly in hindsight.

Meanwhile, the painters have been here for 3 days in a row now & the paint smell has really gotten to me (HEADACHE). Plus I woke up w/ a cold on Saturday, Dexy too, so I'm not feeling all that great. On top of that, I'm trying to figure out how to "get over" my broken heart. I'm certainly looking forward to my 3 week long adventure in Austin next month. My friend Susan & her Boys are coming down from Seattle next weekend, so that'll be good. It's Spring, the weather is lovely today, I am alive & I have good friends who love me. Really, things ain't that bad.

So, bye bye MySpace. It was nice knowing you these past 5 years. Good luck surviving the new trends in Social Networking w/ all that crappy code.

Cher ~

Two quotes to chew on.

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -- George Elliot

"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." -- Edith Hamilton

10 Feet Tall & Bullet Proof

Where did all the super heroes go?
The 10 Feet Tall & Bullet Proof BF's, BD's, Fathers, Brothers, etc.?
Nuts!




P.S. The lyrics to "Under My Thumb" are not nice.

The little things I already miss...

Waiting by City & Colour

A coma might feel better than this,
Attempting to discover, where to begin,
You're weighed down you're full of something,
Of sickness and desertion,
You're weighed down you're full of something,
You're underneath it all.

So say goodbye to love,
And hold your head up high,
There's no need to rush,
We're all just waiting, waiting to die.

Hoping a better place is all I need,
With moments of innocence and mystery,
Oh, it's the little things you miss,
Like waking up all alone,
Oh, it's the little things you miss,
When you're underneath it all.

So say goodbye to love,
And hold your head up high,
There's no need to rush,
We're all just waiting, waiting to die.

All your friends seem like enemies,
When you're broken down and empty,
Oh oh.
All your friends seem like enemies,
When you're broken down and empty,
Oh oh.

So say goodbye to love,
And hold your head up high,
There's no need to rush,
We're all just waiting, waiting to die.

Social networking, micro-blogging, w00t!

Okay, I don't know how the folks at MySpace can be so unaware of the revolution going on right now. And I don't just mean the people USING it, I mean the people running the company. Their site has ALWAYS sucked (& I've been on it a long time, so I know of what I speak) but blatantly copying FB & then totally missing the boat on making it WORK?

Tom? You suck.

I stay away from such convoluted & cumbersome sites more & more. They don't work well on mobile platforms. They are tired. They are so 2003.

I've become increasingly infatuated w/ sites like twitter, FriendFeed, del.icio.us, Blogger of course, goodreads, twhirl, Flickr, etc. I'm sure I'm even a little behind finding all this new "wonder" on the web, but who cares? It's fun & I'm digging it.

See, the cool thing is that I can tweet & still have a semblance of life. Please note, I said semblance. I realize that it would be far better to go outside and play in the Real World.

So yes, it sucks me in. But unlike MySpace I don't spend hours flitting about reading inane crap written by 12 year olds. Nor am I stuck at a desktop keyboard. I can take twitter with me anywhere I go. Yay iPhone, yay m.twitter.

Even better? Most of the people I follow on twitter actually know how to spell & write well. They are funny too. It's like a breath of fresh, clean, beautiful, pre-Reagan era air.

Can I get an amen? Amen!

The end. It's past my bed time. Must retire to my usual night of sleeplessness, tossing & turning. Cheery bye.

New Pic

Her Daddy took this over the weekend.
I think it's oh so sweet of Declan. Oh, and I like my earrings.

Guess what I've learned?

Love isn't enough.
Crazy but true.
I can hardly believe it myself...

What to do?

I feel like shit on a broccoli stick. Oh, and I totally suck.

Really. Truly.

This isn't what I wanted. Not even close. But what do you do when things don't change, you get no feedback, you've both dug your heels in & there's nowhere left to go? Do you keep hurting each other? Keep pretending that everything is groovy & that you don't mind being second fiddle? Keep on truckin' on, despite how lonely you feel?

One day at a time is swell except most days I need something a little more tangible & weighty than that. Besides, if someone has continually made it clear that they are NOT emotionally available, at what point do you acknowledge that fact & let them go?

I haven't got a clue.

All I know is... well, see the first sentence. That pretty much sums things up.

The sun is shining outside.

But not inside.

Me thinks it's time... for a new Dexy pic!