Paralyzed

Why is it that the simplest of tasks; from paying bills before they come due, to returning an item to the store within a few days of making the decision that I don't really want it (or need another size, color, unbroken version, etc.), to returning a phone call or email within 24-48 hours of receiving it, to folding or putting away the seemingly endless piles of laundry, to making myself some lunch, or getting up from my computer to pee, etc. all seem so painfully difficult to handle? 

What am I really avoiding when I find myself paralyzed by the minutia of my daily life? And why?

If you have any ideas, please let me know. Because it's starting to get on my last nerve.

Counting, Always Counting

Numbers... Ask anybody who knows me. I loathe them. They are not now, nor have they ever been, my friend. I'm bad at math, terrible in fact. Dyslexic & all kinds of backasswards when it comes to numbers. Can't remember phone numbers or street addresses for jack. My checkbook is in a constant state of "who-the-eff-knows-what-my-balance-is?"...

Yet, when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, etc. the numbers manage to stick in my head & I can't get them out. 'Course, it helps that I keep a calendar.

2 years. Today.

Yeah, okay. So it's been 2 years. Some of you would say I should "get over it" already. And yeah, I know I should be celebrating the wonderful, awesome, warm fuzzy stuff about my mom -- rather than being stuck in the sadness of the day she died.

But that's just stating the obvious. It's so much more than that. B/c really, my mom was gone long before July 24, 2007. Really, I'd been without my mom for nearly 12 years; as Alzheimer's slowly & cruelly robbed her mind of memories & robbed her body of the ability to function.

Over a decade of not having 100% of my mom. Over a decade of knowing it would eventually take all of her. Over a decade of knowing that if I ever had a child, ever got married, ever had any significant event in my life period, she wouldn't be there to share it with me. To talk/walk me through it. To hold my hand (figuratively & literally). And frankly y'all? That's the part that sucks the most about today. It's a big fat reminder of what I haven't had for a long, long time.



So here we are.

2 years. And counting. When will I stop counting? When will July 24 cease being painful? Or July 12 (my dad)? Or July 7 (my dogs)?

Mom never stopped counting the years since her own mom's death (July 25 1962). The loss of my grandma "Pink" was that significant to her. She'd tear up every time grandma came up in conversation. Every. Single. Time.

I feel like that. Close to tears on a regular basis. Waves of grief. Scents. Sounds. A song. Anything seemingly trivial can trigger it. Even seeing an old lady in a shop, or on the street, or a restaurant. It knocks me over, the breath sucked right out of my chest. A desire to curl up & cry my face off, but not being able to.

As cliché as it sounds, I miss her down to my marrow. Deep as the effing ocean. I miss all that she represented as a mom. MY mom. F*ck, I miss her most of all.

Yahrzeit

One year since your body quit this earth & your soul flew (hopefully to a place of peace & freedom from all that ailed you)... Nearly three years since this picture was taken. I'm glad I at least have one photo of you with her. I'm also glad there is a teeny glimmer of pride & perhaps even joyful amusement in your eyes.



Your 2nd & 3rd granddaughters arrived. But then mom left. Then you. Then your two children decided not to be brother & sister anymore. Blessings and grief, all intertwined. I'm not sure how I feel about any of this today, except to tell you I think of you (& mom) every single day. Sometimes with tears, often with smiles & laughter.

So, as your daughter, on this day of mourning & remembrance, I light a candle for you. Even if it wasn't always easy for either of us, I loved you dad. And damn, if I don't miss you something awful.

Calgon... Take Me Away!

Photo by Chris Tarnawski

Met w/ our attorney this morning. There is finally an end in sight, I can almost touch it if I stretch out my arms. Just a few more weeks & my folks' estate will be settled, the house will be on the market, and I'll be on my way somewhere. I'm scared to death. But I'm also excited.

Give me peace. Give me courage.
Oṃ śānti śānti śānti

For those who asked (crossroads)...

Or who don't know me, or who don't feel like reading all my back posts for further clarification...

For those who do, please feel free to IGNORE this entry. LOL.

I'm a So Cal girl, born & raised. Left for college when I was 19 and didn't move back to CA until the fall of 2000 when my mom's Alzheimer's became more difficult for dad to handle. From 1986 until that time, I lived mostly in Tucson AZ (where I went to university) as well as in upstate NY, Harrisburg PA, London UK, and Salzburg Austria.

I moved back to my hometown of Long Beach to be closer to my mom & dad while I still had them (they were born in 1929 and 1924 respectively) as mom was already about 4 yrs into an Alzheimer's diagnosis at that point. I bought a little 1940's house, had my two dogs, my childhood friends (Long Beach is very provincial that way), got to hang out w/ my mom, worked in private industry for the first time in a long time (worked @ the UofA for almost 11 years), traveled very little, went back to Al-Anon to help me deal w/ being in proximity to my qualifying alcoholics, found a spiritual life I'd never had before, made new & wonderful friends, watchedchildhood friends get married & have kids. Basically I just kind of settled into a more quiet & adult life. It was nice. I was happy. Things with mom were hard, but all in all, I managed to be fairly sane.

Always figured though that as soon as mom was gone, I'd be gone too. I had plans. I wanted to move to the Pacific NW, be where the weather & the politics are more to my liking. I was going to build a home, have my dogs & some chickens, meet some awesomely smart nerd who loved music/books/baseball as much as I do, travel the world, get married, have kids. You know?

But of course, life has a way of throwing you a big old curve ball while you're busy making other plans.

Oops! I got pregnant at 38, something my docs told me was unlikely to ever happen given my thyroid issues. Not that I was *planning* to be a Single Mom, lest you think I'm a careless whore. But it happened, and I was thrilled. I was finally going to have the baby I'd always wanted. She arrived a few months after I turned 39. Her dad & I tried to make a go of it, but that ended about a month ago (another story for another day). Please note that I feel absolutely blessed for that ENTIRE experience. No regrets; I don't believe in them.

Last March, I sold my little house to friends (lucky!) & moved in w/ my dad. It was going to be a temporary gig, beneficial to dad & to me. Then my beloved dogs of 11 yrs died the first week of July & my mom died 2 weeks later. There was property to sell, funerals to plan, SO many things to do. I was overwhelmed at work & started resenting everything, a lot.

Dad's health took a bad turn in September & I left my PR job at Epson to take care of him. By February my brother & I made the hard decision to put him in an assisted living place (as we'd done for my mother 2 years prior almost to the day) b/c he was no longer able to be left alone or care for himself at all. I felt trapped, taking care of him AND my kid all by myself. Was afraid to leave the house for fear he'd fall, or set something on fire accidentally, or worse die in front of my baby girl (bad enough he was already so verbally abusive to both Declan & I).

Well, he's on hospice now & I don't imagine he'll live out the rest of the year. Could he surprise me? Yeah... but I don't think he'll rally this time. He has given up on all basic decorum &/or self-care. He just wants someone to feed him, bathe him, toilet him, etc. I wish he wanted to stick around, to be present for his grandkids, for my brother & I, etc. but this is HIS life journey, not mine. I can't control, cure, or change an old alcoholic. Especially one that didn't ask me to.

Mom is gone. Doggies gone. Dad not doing well. I just wanted to move somewhere that is less expensive than CA, a nice little college town where there is always stuff to do (music, art, food, festivals, zoo, museums, interesting architecture, culture, history) & where my kid can grow up safely far away from all the crap that LA has become.

That's why I'm in Austin. My biological sister (I'm a reunited adoptee) has lived here for close to 20 years. I have always enjoyed this town, & I really like my sister, her hubby & my nephew. They are GOOD people.

Frankly, Austin is exactly the kind of place that would rock for both Declan & I, for many of the same reasons I love Portland OR or Tucson AZ with the added benefit of having family nearby. It would be so nice for her to grow up w/ her cousin, especially since my adoptive brother seems to have ZERO interest in us being in his life, or vice versa. I'd be less lonely for the comfort of family -- something I've always felt lacking in (my mom was the glue that kept things from disintegrating). Blah, blah, blah.

Guess I should have bought a place here 5 years ago b/c lawd knows this is NOT an affordable town anymore. That's why we're cutting our trip short & going back to CA this Saturday night. We're also sick, which doesn't help. Add to that equation some BS that went down w/ the place we're renting in South Austin, and I just need to just be back at HOME where I can sit still & breathe. Where I have friends for support. Where she has daycare & her pals there that she's comfortable with (yes, so I can catch a little break). I miss my bed, my car, Trader Joes, Schooners for breakfast, the beach, my friends, and yes, I even miss my dad's dumb little dog Zoe.

I'd like to go back to work, even if it's only part time. Have some adult interaction again. Use my brain, my stellar vocabulary, my skills (yes, I do have some skills). But I want to do something different, in preparation for building my own business.

Most of all, I'd like to NOT be a caretaker for the first time in 20+ years (except my daughter of course). I'd like to learn how to take care of me, something I've never really done. I'd like to learn how to be okay with WHO I am, right WHERE I am.

We're going home. I'm relieved, though of course I'm also a little disappointed. I really did have high hopes for a fresh start here in Austin. And who knows? Maybe it'll work out at some later juncture. It's just really clear today that NOW is NOT the time.

And if I've learned nothing else on my life journey thus far, I've learned that it's always a good idea to pay attention when things ain't falling into place. There have been too many road blocks, obstacles, snafus, and just plain weird "coincidences" for this to work out the way I thought it was going to. Better I should call it a wash, take what I've got left, dust myself off, regroup & see where the chips fall down the road.

That's it. In a very large & long winded nutshell.

Baby sleeping. HOORAY! I'm going to sit outside in the balmy air and have myself a beer.

The end.

Eating Happy©

My BFF & I have begun a new adventure together.
Check it out.
Or not.

But here's to us.
Cowgirl Up!

Saying Goodbye

So I've been wanting to leave MySpace for a long time, but haven't done b/c there are TWO things about it that I still like; my friends & the music.

But today I realized that a) my friends are already in my life & if they really want to know what's going on with me, they can read my blog, send me an email, or *gasp* CALL me so we can hang out, like in real life! and b) I have many other resources available to help me find new & great music so why get bogged down w/ all the bullshit music that MySpace offers just to find those few rare gems? Na, I'd rather check out the daily offerings on Aquarium Drunkard & other cool music blogs, or just tune into my local indie stations like KCRW.

The rest of it is a total wash. Nothing but 12-year olds & poor writing skills, painfully slow load times for most pages, features and functions that go down daily (if not hourly), drama, etc. I'm just not interested in it anymore. Is it possible that at the grand old age of 41, I'm growing up?

Ha!

Okay, probably not.

Anyway, I pretty much deleted all the content off my page today. By the end of the week I'm closing up shop there for good. Just wanted to give the few stragglers a chance to find me over here on Blogger. Though, even that seems a little silly in hindsight.

Meanwhile, the painters have been here for 3 days in a row now & the paint smell has really gotten to me (HEADACHE). Plus I woke up w/ a cold on Saturday, Dexy too, so I'm not feeling all that great. On top of that, I'm trying to figure out how to "get over" my broken heart. I'm certainly looking forward to my 3 week long adventure in Austin next month. My friend Susan & her Boys are coming down from Seattle next weekend, so that'll be good. It's Spring, the weather is lovely today, I am alive & I have good friends who love me. Really, things ain't that bad.

So, bye bye MySpace. It was nice knowing you these past 5 years. Good luck surviving the new trends in Social Networking w/ all that crappy code.

Cher ~

Here comes the weekend... soon, soon.

My BF is coming to town today. He's bringing his sister with him... she's out visiting from MN. I'm looking forward to meeting her & of course spending time w/ both of them & with Dexy.

I'm also really glad it's a holiday this weekend. I need some time to chill. Eat good food. Sit in the sunshine instead of this depressing 4th Floor Cube Farm. Play w/ my kid. Smooch and snuggle w/ my BF. Laugh. Drink. Listen to music, LOUD. Wear my grubby jeans and a comfie tee-shirt. You know, the good stuff.

Life is good. Especially when I'm NOT at work.