Missing My Joanie Baloney

Today my mom would have been 81. She passed away in July 2007 after suffering from Alzheimer's for over a decade. And I know I've said it before a gazillion times, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, or have an impulse to call her for some serious Mommy Advice (parenting is hard dudes, and my mom was SO smart about Mommy Stuff!). Mostly, I wish I could give her a big hug & just hold onto one of her teeny little hands...

We didn't always see eye to eye. Frankly, I was a HUGE pain in the ass, for a very long time (teen angst that bled well into my late twenties). By the time I woke up and got my attitude in check, she was already getting sick and there was SO much I missed in terms of a loving and informative relationship with her. What a shame, b/c of course I have a million questions I'd loved to have asked. As a young woman. As a new mother. And she would have actually answered my questions now. Really, I don't blame her for being secretive and/or cryptic about her life Before There Was a Me. When I was younger, I so often didn't deserve her trust. And now, now that I so desperately wish I had answers to those questions, there is no one left to answer them.

I love you and miss you Joanie Baloney. Say hey to Grandma Pink for me. I know you two are watching over me and Dexy. Thank you for that. Happy birthday mama.



Mom and I in Paris, 1989/90


Mom and Dexy, summer of 2006

Amid Life's Crises: One Of Our Own

Amid Life's Crises: One Of Our Own: "Thursday's HNT was an emotional one for me. One of our own, Boo (formerly Boo(duh)) - a fellow parent, blogger and HNT-er - a dear..."

The above post (click on link for more info) seriously made me gasp, and then it broke my heart. Even if you can only give a dollar, or send an email expressing your condolences, or say a prayer... will you? I can't even imagine. I just can't. A mother should NEVER have to experience something like this. Not ever. My prayers and thoughts are with Boo and her family.

Mama Me-a

Being a single mom on Mother's Day kinda sucks. 

Just sayin'.

Also, I really wish my mom was here. Because if she was, I'd so be sitting outside on the patio with her right now. And we'd totally be drinking ice-cold-frothy-licious root beer, or maybe her ultimate favorite, root beer floats. Mmmm! (Okay, I'd probably be drinking a vodka gimlet, but I do still love root beer floats, thanks mom!). Mom would probably have some ridiculous white hat and ginormous "Jackie O" shades on. We'd just chill and chit chat, enjoying the (ahem) rare Seattle sunshine, and we'd watch Dexy play with her bubble blowing contraption. And then we'd make something awesome to eat (because my mom was a great cook) and she'd argue with me about how I was making it "wrong" or something equally stubborn and opinionated. And then later, we'd watch the sunset from the front porch and she'd yap at the neighbors, asking them all sorts of personal questions (which they would of course be compelled to answer gleefully). And after Dexy was in bed, she and I would snuggle up and watch a "shoot 'em up" movie (her favorite) until she fell asleep too, and then I'd tuck a blanket around her nice and tight, kiss her on the forehead, and I'd go to bed a happy, contented and loved mama.

Yeah, that would pretty much rock.

Just sayin'


 Me & my brother with mom, circa 1970.

Counting, Always Counting

Numbers... Ask anybody who knows me. I loathe them. They are not now, nor have they ever been, my friend. I'm bad at math, terrible in fact. Dyslexic & all kinds of backasswards when it comes to numbers. Can't remember phone numbers or street addresses for jack. My checkbook is in a constant state of "who-the-eff-knows-what-my-balance-is?"...

Yet, when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, etc. the numbers manage to stick in my head & I can't get them out. 'Course, it helps that I keep a calendar.

2 years. Today.

Yeah, okay. So it's been 2 years. Some of you would say I should "get over it" already. And yeah, I know I should be celebrating the wonderful, awesome, warm fuzzy stuff about my mom -- rather than being stuck in the sadness of the day she died.

But that's just stating the obvious. It's so much more than that. B/c really, my mom was gone long before July 24, 2007. Really, I'd been without my mom for nearly 12 years; as Alzheimer's slowly & cruelly robbed her mind of memories & robbed her body of the ability to function.

Over a decade of not having 100% of my mom. Over a decade of knowing it would eventually take all of her. Over a decade of knowing that if I ever had a child, ever got married, ever had any significant event in my life period, she wouldn't be there to share it with me. To talk/walk me through it. To hold my hand (figuratively & literally). And frankly y'all? That's the part that sucks the most about today. It's a big fat reminder of what I haven't had for a long, long time.



So here we are.

2 years. And counting. When will I stop counting? When will July 24 cease being painful? Or July 12 (my dad)? Or July 7 (my dogs)?

Mom never stopped counting the years since her own mom's death (July 25 1962). The loss of my grandma "Pink" was that significant to her. She'd tear up every time grandma came up in conversation. Every. Single. Time.

I feel like that. Close to tears on a regular basis. Waves of grief. Scents. Sounds. A song. Anything seemingly trivial can trigger it. Even seeing an old lady in a shop, or on the street, or a restaurant. It knocks me over, the breath sucked right out of my chest. A desire to curl up & cry my face off, but not being able to.

As cliché as it sounds, I miss her down to my marrow. Deep as the effing ocean. I miss all that she represented as a mom. MY mom. F*ck, I miss her most of all.

Yahrzeit

One year since your body quit this earth & your soul flew (hopefully to a place of peace & freedom from all that ailed you)... Nearly three years since this picture was taken. I'm glad I at least have one photo of you with her. I'm also glad there is a teeny glimmer of pride & perhaps even joyful amusement in your eyes.



Your 2nd & 3rd granddaughters arrived. But then mom left. Then you. Then your two children decided not to be brother & sister anymore. Blessings and grief, all intertwined. I'm not sure how I feel about any of this today, except to tell you I think of you (& mom) every single day. Sometimes with tears, often with smiles & laughter.

So, as your daughter, on this day of mourning & remembrance, I light a candle for you. Even if it wasn't always easy for either of us, I loved you dad. And damn, if I don't miss you something awful.

Hallmark Holidays Make Me Cuckoo Crazy

I have been feeling profoundly sad the past 2 days or so - in waves mostly, so not all the time (which is a good thing) - but I haven't been able to put my finger on it.

Sometimes, I really am dumber than a box of rocks (*slaps forehead*)

G-d knows I can't really articulate any of it right now. Suffice to say, Mother's Day is almost upon me. Another stupid & contrived greeting card "holiday" that means jack unless you actually have someone to celebrate it with.

Big surprise, I'm missing my folks. And I'm wishing there was someone in my life that would put their arms around me to walk me through the next few days. Or better yet, how about the rest of my life? Yeah. That would be teh awesome. What more can I say, that I haven't already said here (or on twitter) a million+ times?

Nothing.

It is what it is. And I'm tired of talking about the same old sh*t. All I can do is stay busy w/ my house remodeling project, dig my hands & feet into the soft wet earth of my new life here in Seattle, and just put one foot in front of the other.

Happy Mother's Day to all my mamas out there (dead or alive). This crabby old broad is sending you lots of love and about a zillion ex's & oh's. Errr, I mean xoxo's.

Thinking of Maddie Today...

... and hugging my Dexy Girl extra tight.

No Outlet

Writing has always been a big outlet for me. Huge in fact. For decades, I did it in fancy journals, "old school" Comp Books & in college writing courses.

For the past 6+ years I've increasingly done it on "social networking" sites like MySpace, Blogger, FB, Twitter, BrightKite, Plurk, etc.

Some of my friends & family don't understand it. Many comment or criticize what I write. They complain that I'm "always on twitter" or "fiddling around on that damn iPhone". Often they are even hurt & offended by it.

I do take great care not to name any names. I know how the internet works. I've been on it since before Al Gore invented it. I wouldn't want anyone I love or care about being contacted by a random batsh*t crazy person who reads my blog. I've had that happen to me and let me tell ya, it totally sucks!

There is SO much going on in my life right now (really for the past 2 years). Insanely HUGE stuff. The kind of stuff that puts some people in the loony bin. Lately, I feel like I can't write about it in an open & honest way. Worse, I don't have anyone to talk to about it either.

Instead, it sits inside of me; a fuming, steaming, crazy, swirling, MESS. After several days or weeks of that kind of buildup, guess what? Combustion! It seeps out in insidious and plain awful ways. I use sarcasm & meanness to strike back. I avoid. I get flighty. I get lonely. I distract myself w/ food, TV, or Facebook (ha!). I cry in the shower. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm going to pass out or explode into a zillion little pieces. Fragmented.

I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I haven't developed very good "filters" to help me keep my effing mouth shut. I think it's called tact & no, I haven't got much of it. I'm impulsive. I'm emotional. I take things way too personally. I sulk. I get butt-hurt. Yep, I'm all of those things. That either makes me a crazy person or it just makes me a normal GIRL. At 42, I'm still not sure which!

But here's the thing, I don't want to lie or "pretend" either ... I don't want to smile through clenched teeth and say "I'm okay" when people ask "How are you?". B/c while there are indeed many good days, there are some that aren't so great. Grief is a tricky thing. Change is a tricky thing too. Going through either of those alone is just about the worst & most sucky experience I can imagine. And yet, I do it. Every day.

How do I explain honestly about how I'm really doing w/ the death of my parents, the sale of my childhood home, packing up & moving to another state, being a single parent, etc. to people who really don't want to know? How do I find an outlet to express myself creatively, constructively & healthily, where one seemingly no longer exists? How do I keep all this rage, sadness, frustration, etc. from my Real Life reigned in, when I no longer feel I have a safe place to go to shed it?

I don't have any answers. I'm sure I'll get a world of crap for this little rant too.

Life's a bitch. And so am I.

Unmade & Messy

Margaret Cho Rocks (aka My Meltdown Continues)

Started cleaning out my parents garage this morning (w/ professional organizer extraordinaire Ms. Hallie Jane). This is actually like Act III or IV b/c I already did this with friends about 3 years ago when my we moved my mom into an assisted living facility. She had Alzheimer's & she was a hoarder. I cannot even TELL you how much stuff we removed from the house & the garage... Two construction sized containers full. You'd think I'm kidding, but I'm so not.

Somehow in the last year of living in this house w/ my dad the stuff has accumulated in the garage again. Some of it is mine certainly, but surprisingly there is still mountains of stuff that was mom & dad's. And that's just in the garage, I'm not even talking about all the stuff that is still in the cupboards & closets INSIDE.

Here's the daunting thing. Because the house is now officially for sale, all this stuff needs to be sorted, donated, thrown away, etc. regardless. Obviously no one will want to keep it once I've moved out & the keys are turned over to Mr. & Mrs. New Owners. At least I don't think they will want a ginormous collection of cake pans or three sets of china & silver.

Yeah, I'm glad that I've hired a professional to help me with it this time b/c I need some serious direction to stay focused & on task. Otherwise my emotions start to get the better of me and I will spend HOURS looking at some stupid trinket that was my mothers, or toying w/ a drafting kit that my father used when he was still working as an Engineer.

We finished about an hour ago... It is boiling hot today. I was sweaty and disgusting, so I jumped into the pool to cool off. That was nice. But now I'm sitting in my room watching The Cho Show (w/ Margaret Cho, duh... whom I love, love, love) and all of a sudden, my emotions get the better of me and now here I sit, in my beach towel, crying my f*cking face off for no apparent reason.

I'll call it my Mini Meltdown - Act I (or is this Act 932?)...

I know this will get better SOME day. But when?! I feel like I'm coming unhinged some days. I'm crabby. I'm sad. I want to pick a fight with everyone. I don't know how to tell people how f*cking bad this is. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't think they'll get it anyway. Not really. And damnit, I want them to get it. I really do. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone.

Anyway, thanks Margaret for giving me a moment to cry. I haven't done that much since my folks died. And I'll take it where I can get it.

The End.

Grief. It's not just for breakfast anymore!

I just read the most wonderful, thoughtful & well written post about what to do (or not) when someone loses a child:

When Children Die: What to Do. Or Say. Or Not.

The reason it struck me so hard is because the advice that Gwendomama gives is actually quite applicable to anyone who has suffered the loss of someone (or something) close to them; be it a child, parent, sibling, grandparent, or even a beloved pet.

I've never had to go through the pain of losing a child. G-d forbid, I hope I never do! But I've experienced a LOT of loss & major life-changing upheaval in the past 3 years. My mom died (July 24 2007), then my dad (July 12, 2008), my beloved dogs died a few weeks before mom (July 7, 2007), I sold my house & moved in w/ my elderly father (March 2007), started a new job after being unemployed for almost 2 years (Jan 2007) only to leave that job 10 months later, got pregnant unexpectedly (Sept 2005) & then had that baby (June 2006), and the pièce de résistance... my relationship w/ her daddy ended (April 2008). Oh, and then there's the friends who have either committed suicide, or had close friends/family who have (what is UP with all the suicides lately?).

I don't list all these things out so you can feel sorry for me, nor is it some pitiful attempt to make you understand. I list them because I'm the one that needs to recognize the losses are significant. I need to give myself a break for not handling my feelings very well (especially in the past year), for taking it out on the people I love most and/or for not being "over" it yet.

The fact that I'm not locked up in the Loony Bin, struggling against the confines of a straight jacket, drooling and mumbling incoherently... (or worse!) stuns even me. But I don't have the luxury of falling apart entirely. Don't forget, I have a little girl to raise! I certainly don't want to screw that up, she's much too precious to disappoint or fail in any way. At least, not on purpose.

So here's the deal. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm often in deep despair. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I have moments of clarity. I may even laugh out loud, participate in fun-filled activities, or get a little drunk & silly from the occasional glass of wine or margarita. Most days, I'm even productive.

Take this blog. It may be harsh for you to read all my thoughts & feelings, splayed out so openly, so RAW and in your face. Maybe it embarrasses you. Maybe it makes YOU angry. Maybe you wish I'd STFU. I get it. I do. But writing, it helps me. It's all I've got right now, so I'm gonna let it flow. I'm afraid I'll shrivel up & die if I don't.

Yes, my daughter brings me great joy & happiness on a DAILY basis. Yes, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car to drive, money in the bank, friends who seem to like me, or at least they like my kid. LOL.

So what could I possibly have to be sad about? What could possibly be the big damn deal about losing my folks, my dogs, my relationship?

Because I haven't got a clue in hell what I'm supposed to do w/ all these feelings! They wash over me in great waves of intensity. The smallest thing can set them off. A scent, a memory, watching a certain sporting event that my dad would have liked, or seeing my daughter do something that my mother (or her daddy) would have found instantly amusing.

I wish my brother, or my ex, or my best friend, etc. were the ones I could reach out to. It's natural to want to seek out their company as comfort, I love them for crying out loud. But some of the people in my life are not safe right now. Going to them for comfort or even a quick hug is like going to the hardware store for bread. I'm starving for warm, soft, cozy, tasty, comforting bread. What I'm getting is saws, hammers, nails & lumber. Not good.

It's not their fault. I know my grief (and the resulting insane ways in which I express it) is really difficult to be around. I don't want to be around me either, you know? But what do I do in the meantime? Where do I go? How do I get to the other side of all this sadness?

In any case, I digress. Take a look at Gwendomama's blog, and if you find yourself scratching your head when you see me heading over to Crazy Town one more time, consider the possibility that a phone call, a hug, a decent meal, or a really strong liquor drink (hint, hint), might just be the very thing that keeps me from STAYING there.

The End.

P.S. My sister-in-law Elicia and I have not always seen eye to eye, but I want to thank her for all the ways in which she suited up for my dad (and by extension, me). It wasn't her JOB to do that; she has two little kids & a father that has his own myriad health issues. But she kept showing up anyway. She made my dad laugh when no one else could, and she was kind to him in a way that HE understood. That's a rare gift b/c my dad was hard to care for or love on, let me tell you! She also wrote the most beautiful tribute to him in his on-line obituary guest book that I will cherish forever. I know this has been a hard blow for her, my brother & their daughters. I don't want to minimize their grief! So, thanks 'Lish. You're the best SIL I could have asked for. My thoughts & prayers are with YOU too.

Cake

I may be kind of biased... but I think they were just about the purdiest couple ever. Movie star purdy. G-d, I really miss them both. A lot.

Quick Update on My Dad

Here is a picture of my mom & dad on their wedding day; July 11, 1957... Joan & Hunter. Look how happy they were. How young, beautiful, healthy, strong. And oh so wonderfully hopeful for their new life together as Mr. and Mrs. R.

At 6:08am on July 12, 2008, my father passed away very peacefully with a hospice nurse by his side (thank you Daisy for being there w/ him when he passed). He was 83.

I have so much I want to say about my dad but I am really just too out of it right now to even focus properly. Losing both parents in just under a year is pretty sucky. What more can I say about that? Even though in many ways, I've been sans parents for nearly a decade, the REALITY of their both being gone is starting to hit me. And frankly, it's hitting me rather hard, which I didn't expect.

I will certainly post a far more suitable tribute to my Pop very soon. But until I can muster up the energy to do so, I'll simply say...

Goodbye Daddy. I love you & I will miss you always! Your daughter, Cheryl ~

One Year

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber (1894-1961)


Tomorrow (July 7) it will have been one year since I had to put my two "furry children" to sleep... and damnit. I still miss them. A lot.

I'm so glad there's a Doggie Heaven (at least there is in MY vision of heaven) It makes it somehow easier when I think of them hanging out w/ my mom & grandma up there, watching over me & Dexy.

Just sayin'.

Oh death...

I just found out that my friend Pete's little brother Vincent has died. He was 24. Are you freakin' kidding me?! He was a BABY! How does this happen? How does his family pick up the pieces? G-d, all I can think of is his mom... How do you get over that kind of loss? You NEVER want to outlive your child. No way, no how.

And what the hell, it seems like lately all the people I know & love are being touched by death in some way. It breaks my heart that they are going through this. And b/c of my own personal and recent experience of losing my mom, I know how much it sucks for them & will continue to suck. Not to mention all the stupid shit people will say to them about how their loved one is finally "at peace" or in a "better place" or "with G-d"... How the hell do they know that? And doesn't a comment like that ultimately diminish & discount the LIFE that person had? Who are we to say that it's better where they are now?

Personally, I think it was better when they were here with us. Living their life, whatever life it may have been, loving, laughing, crying, BREATHING and BEING.

Yeah, I believe in G-d. And yeah, I know in my bones that my mom is indeed finally at peace, healthy, with her memory fully restored, and yeah, I feel her presence with me & around me every single day. But damn, I so did NOT want to hear any of that when she first died. I'm sorry, but I didn't. And I know people are at a loss of what to say when someone dies & they see us hurting, so they want to make it better. But I'd rather they'd just said, "Wow. That sucks! Is there anything I can do?" b/c it would have been more helpful to me at the time.

So to my dearest friend Pete (and for Amy, Sheree, Margie, Tran, etc. too)... I love you. Let me know if there is there anything I can do. Right now, in this moment, I am sending love, hugs and healing light your way. By the truck load. Hold on to your family & friends with a fierce intent, they are the ones that will help you get through this. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Cheryl ~