Visions of Sugar Plums. Or Some Such Nonsense.

Today would have been my dad's 86th birthday. I'm really missing him, and my mom as well, especially since she was the Queen of making the holidays totally AWESOME (and I'm so not). Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling the usual sense of loss and grief that comes with missing my family this time of year. No surprises there right? But to be honest, it's never been a particularly joyful time for me, even when they were alive. I've always had these little-girl-like sugar plum visions for a Norman Rockwell-esque holiday, but most of the time it was more like The Simpsons. That said, I still manage to have many fond memories of a zillion wondrous and magical Christmas mornings (thanks Mom, I know that was ALL your doing).

Before I get too morose, let's just say it's that super special time of year when I get all wistful for my Christmas Past. Wait. How did I get on the subject of Christmas anyway? Oy. Anyhoo, I went poking around in my office closet earlier today and I found some old, and not so terrible, pictures where we actually look like a (kinda) happy family.

My dad and I may not always have seen eye to eye, but he was still my hero and I was cuckoo crazy about him. I hope somehow he knows that now. Happy birthday dad. I miss you.

Mom, Dad and Me (vacation in FL circa 1983/84)

Xmas in CA (Dad, Brother Bri, Mom and Me circa 1994)

Dad and Me - Sept 1972

Dad and Grandpa 1925

 

Missing My Joanie Baloney

Today my mom would have been 81. She passed away in July 2007 after suffering from Alzheimer's for over a decade. And I know I've said it before a gazillion times, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, or have an impulse to call her for some serious Mommy Advice (parenting is hard dudes, and my mom was SO smart about Mommy Stuff!). Mostly, I wish I could give her a big hug & just hold onto one of her teeny little hands...

We didn't always see eye to eye. Frankly, I was a HUGE pain in the ass, for a very long time (teen angst that bled well into my late twenties). By the time I woke up and got my attitude in check, she was already getting sick and there was SO much I missed in terms of a loving and informative relationship with her. What a shame, b/c of course I have a million questions I'd loved to have asked. As a young woman. As a new mother. And she would have actually answered my questions now. Really, I don't blame her for being secretive and/or cryptic about her life Before There Was a Me. When I was younger, I so often didn't deserve her trust. And now, now that I so desperately wish I had answers to those questions, there is no one left to answer them.

I love you and miss you Joanie Baloney. Say hey to Grandma Pink for me. I know you two are watching over me and Dexy. Thank you for that. Happy birthday mama.



Mom and I in Paris, 1989/90


Mom and Dexy, summer of 2006

Amid Life's Crises: One Of Our Own

Amid Life's Crises: One Of Our Own: "Thursday's HNT was an emotional one for me. One of our own, Boo (formerly Boo(duh)) - a fellow parent, blogger and HNT-er - a dear..."

The above post (click on link for more info) seriously made me gasp, and then it broke my heart. Even if you can only give a dollar, or send an email expressing your condolences, or say a prayer... will you? I can't even imagine. I just can't. A mother should NEVER have to experience something like this. Not ever. My prayers and thoughts are with Boo and her family.

Mama Me-a

Being a single mom on Mother's Day kinda sucks. 

Just sayin'.

Also, I really wish my mom was here. Because if she was, I'd so be sitting outside on the patio with her right now. And we'd totally be drinking ice-cold-frothy-licious root beer, or maybe her ultimate favorite, root beer floats. Mmmm! (Okay, I'd probably be drinking a vodka gimlet, but I do still love root beer floats, thanks mom!). Mom would probably have some ridiculous white hat and ginormous "Jackie O" shades on. We'd just chill and chit chat, enjoying the (ahem) rare Seattle sunshine, and we'd watch Dexy play with her bubble blowing contraption. And then we'd make something awesome to eat (because my mom was a great cook) and she'd argue with me about how I was making it "wrong" or something equally stubborn and opinionated. And then later, we'd watch the sunset from the front porch and she'd yap at the neighbors, asking them all sorts of personal questions (which they would of course be compelled to answer gleefully). And after Dexy was in bed, she and I would snuggle up and watch a "shoot 'em up" movie (her favorite) until she fell asleep too, and then I'd tuck a blanket around her nice and tight, kiss her on the forehead, and I'd go to bed a happy, contented and loved mama.

Yeah, that would pretty much rock.

Just sayin'


 Me & my brother with mom, circa 1970.

Thinking of Maddie Today...

... and hugging my Dexy Girl extra tight.

At the crossroads I am standing...

What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment.

Grief. It's not just for breakfast anymore!

I just read the most wonderful, thoughtful & well written post about what to do (or not) when someone loses a child:

When Children Die: What to Do. Or Say. Or Not.

The reason it struck me so hard is because the advice that Gwendomama gives is actually quite applicable to anyone who has suffered the loss of someone (or something) close to them; be it a child, parent, sibling, grandparent, or even a beloved pet.

I've never had to go through the pain of losing a child. G-d forbid, I hope I never do! But I've experienced a LOT of loss & major life-changing upheaval in the past 3 years. My mom died (July 24 2007), then my dad (July 12, 2008), my beloved dogs died a few weeks before mom (July 7, 2007), I sold my house & moved in w/ my elderly father (March 2007), started a new job after being unemployed for almost 2 years (Jan 2007) only to leave that job 10 months later, got pregnant unexpectedly (Sept 2005) & then had that baby (June 2006), and the pièce de résistance... my relationship w/ her daddy ended (April 2008). Oh, and then there's the friends who have either committed suicide, or had close friends/family who have (what is UP with all the suicides lately?).

I don't list all these things out so you can feel sorry for me, nor is it some pitiful attempt to make you understand. I list them because I'm the one that needs to recognize the losses are significant. I need to give myself a break for not handling my feelings very well (especially in the past year), for taking it out on the people I love most and/or for not being "over" it yet.

The fact that I'm not locked up in the Loony Bin, struggling against the confines of a straight jacket, drooling and mumbling incoherently... (or worse!) stuns even me. But I don't have the luxury of falling apart entirely. Don't forget, I have a little girl to raise! I certainly don't want to screw that up, she's much too precious to disappoint or fail in any way. At least, not on purpose.

So here's the deal. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm often in deep despair. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I have moments of clarity. I may even laugh out loud, participate in fun-filled activities, or get a little drunk & silly from the occasional glass of wine or margarita. Most days, I'm even productive.

Take this blog. It may be harsh for you to read all my thoughts & feelings, splayed out so openly, so RAW and in your face. Maybe it embarrasses you. Maybe it makes YOU angry. Maybe you wish I'd STFU. I get it. I do. But writing, it helps me. It's all I've got right now, so I'm gonna let it flow. I'm afraid I'll shrivel up & die if I don't.

Yes, my daughter brings me great joy & happiness on a DAILY basis. Yes, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car to drive, money in the bank, friends who seem to like me, or at least they like my kid. LOL.

So what could I possibly have to be sad about? What could possibly be the big damn deal about losing my folks, my dogs, my relationship?

Because I haven't got a clue in hell what I'm supposed to do w/ all these feelings! They wash over me in great waves of intensity. The smallest thing can set them off. A scent, a memory, watching a certain sporting event that my dad would have liked, or seeing my daughter do something that my mother (or her daddy) would have found instantly amusing.

I wish my brother, or my ex, or my best friend, etc. were the ones I could reach out to. It's natural to want to seek out their company as comfort, I love them for crying out loud. But some of the people in my life are not safe right now. Going to them for comfort or even a quick hug is like going to the hardware store for bread. I'm starving for warm, soft, cozy, tasty, comforting bread. What I'm getting is saws, hammers, nails & lumber. Not good.

It's not their fault. I know my grief (and the resulting insane ways in which I express it) is really difficult to be around. I don't want to be around me either, you know? But what do I do in the meantime? Where do I go? How do I get to the other side of all this sadness?

In any case, I digress. Take a look at Gwendomama's blog, and if you find yourself scratching your head when you see me heading over to Crazy Town one more time, consider the possibility that a phone call, a hug, a decent meal, or a really strong liquor drink (hint, hint), might just be the very thing that keeps me from STAYING there.

The End.

P.S. My sister-in-law Elicia and I have not always seen eye to eye, but I want to thank her for all the ways in which she suited up for my dad (and by extension, me). It wasn't her JOB to do that; she has two little kids & a father that has his own myriad health issues. But she kept showing up anyway. She made my dad laugh when no one else could, and she was kind to him in a way that HE understood. That's a rare gift b/c my dad was hard to care for or love on, let me tell you! She also wrote the most beautiful tribute to him in his on-line obituary guest book that I will cherish forever. I know this has been a hard blow for her, my brother & their daughters. I don't want to minimize their grief! So, thanks 'Lish. You're the best SIL I could have asked for. My thoughts & prayers are with YOU too.

Quick Update on My Dad

Here is a picture of my mom & dad on their wedding day; July 11, 1957... Joan & Hunter. Look how happy they were. How young, beautiful, healthy, strong. And oh so wonderfully hopeful for their new life together as Mr. and Mrs. R.

At 6:08am on July 12, 2008, my father passed away very peacefully with a hospice nurse by his side (thank you Daisy for being there w/ him when he passed). He was 83.

I have so much I want to say about my dad but I am really just too out of it right now to even focus properly. Losing both parents in just under a year is pretty sucky. What more can I say about that? Even though in many ways, I've been sans parents for nearly a decade, the REALITY of their both being gone is starting to hit me. And frankly, it's hitting me rather hard, which I didn't expect.

I will certainly post a far more suitable tribute to my Pop very soon. But until I can muster up the energy to do so, I'll simply say...

Goodbye Daddy. I love you & I will miss you always! Your daughter, Cheryl ~

Oh death...

I just found out that my friend Pete's little brother Vincent has died. He was 24. Are you freakin' kidding me?! He was a BABY! How does this happen? How does his family pick up the pieces? G-d, all I can think of is his mom... How do you get over that kind of loss? You NEVER want to outlive your child. No way, no how.

And what the hell, it seems like lately all the people I know & love are being touched by death in some way. It breaks my heart that they are going through this. And b/c of my own personal and recent experience of losing my mom, I know how much it sucks for them & will continue to suck. Not to mention all the stupid shit people will say to them about how their loved one is finally "at peace" or in a "better place" or "with G-d"... How the hell do they know that? And doesn't a comment like that ultimately diminish & discount the LIFE that person had? Who are we to say that it's better where they are now?

Personally, I think it was better when they were here with us. Living their life, whatever life it may have been, loving, laughing, crying, BREATHING and BEING.

Yeah, I believe in G-d. And yeah, I know in my bones that my mom is indeed finally at peace, healthy, with her memory fully restored, and yeah, I feel her presence with me & around me every single day. But damn, I so did NOT want to hear any of that when she first died. I'm sorry, but I didn't. And I know people are at a loss of what to say when someone dies & they see us hurting, so they want to make it better. But I'd rather they'd just said, "Wow. That sucks! Is there anything I can do?" b/c it would have been more helpful to me at the time.

So to my dearest friend Pete (and for Amy, Sheree, Margie, Tran, etc. too)... I love you. Let me know if there is there anything I can do. Right now, in this moment, I am sending love, hugs and healing light your way. By the truck load. Hold on to your family & friends with a fierce intent, they are the ones that will help you get through this. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Cheryl ~

Alzheimer's SUCKS

Alzheimer's Bracelet - Anonymous

On my wrist I wear a bracelet
To help me think, pray and cope
Of the day I lost my mother
With Alzheimer's there's no hope
She was stripped of all her memory
Of a family she loved so
All her friends and loved ones
Didn't want to see her go
God had a special reason
To end her suffering and her pain
Heaven's gates flew wide open
Such an angel did He gain
Some of her many loved ones
Waited there with opened arms
She now has back her memory
And all her loving charms
Someday I will be thankful
For a cure from this disease
Until then, for Mama I will wear this bracelet
To put my mind at ease.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My mom passed away on Tuesday July 24 2007, after an 11+ year battle w/ Alzheimer's Disease. She would have been 78 in August. I can't believe it's already been a week since she left this earth.

Mom, I miss you more than I can express.

Love forever,

Your Daughter