Chirp. Chirp.

Just so you know, I come up with the most brilliant stuff for my blog in the middle of the night when my insomnia is in full gear, usually right around 2:30am or so. My vocabulary is rockin' the mic like some obscurely intricate jazz mixed up with a little of the Hippity Hop. The topics are pertinent, funny, poignant, and/or controversial. They generate gads of comments. There's even a regular troll or two b/c I consistently rile 'em up with my stellar wee hours musings.

It's really too bad I'm never on (or near) my computer when I am having these creative bursts of brilliance. Because you know, they're all just in my head, and there's a sleeping toddler at my side, and G-d forbid I should wake her up by daring to get out of bed so I can write this sh*t down. And of course by morning, in true Mommy Brain fashion, *poof* they're gone.

I'm no Alaina, Jen, Maggie or Leah that's for damn sure... but that's okay, b/c thankfully they are. And I get to read them, and so many other great bloggers every single day. Which is why I'm rarely here. Well, that & let's just be honest shall we? I'm usually wasting tons of prime writing time fiddling about on Twitter or Facebook. If I could just muster up the courage to ditch at least one of those two time sucks from my daily life, I likely be here more often.

Maybe I'd even have something to say. Or at least some better photographs to share.

Or not.

No Outlet

Writing has always been a big outlet for me. Huge in fact. For decades, I did it in fancy journals, "old school" Comp Books & in college writing courses.

For the past 6+ years I've increasingly done it on "social networking" sites like MySpace, Blogger, FB, Twitter, BrightKite, Plurk, etc.

Some of my friends & family don't understand it. Many comment or criticize what I write. They complain that I'm "always on twitter" or "fiddling around on that damn iPhone". Often they are even hurt & offended by it.

I do take great care not to name any names. I know how the internet works. I've been on it since before Al Gore invented it. I wouldn't want anyone I love or care about being contacted by a random batsh*t crazy person who reads my blog. I've had that happen to me and let me tell ya, it totally sucks!

There is SO much going on in my life right now (really for the past 2 years). Insanely HUGE stuff. The kind of stuff that puts some people in the loony bin. Lately, I feel like I can't write about it in an open & honest way. Worse, I don't have anyone to talk to about it either.

Instead, it sits inside of me; a fuming, steaming, crazy, swirling, MESS. After several days or weeks of that kind of buildup, guess what? Combustion! It seeps out in insidious and plain awful ways. I use sarcasm & meanness to strike back. I avoid. I get flighty. I get lonely. I distract myself w/ food, TV, or Facebook (ha!). I cry in the shower. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm going to pass out or explode into a zillion little pieces. Fragmented.

I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I haven't developed very good "filters" to help me keep my effing mouth shut. I think it's called tact & no, I haven't got much of it. I'm impulsive. I'm emotional. I take things way too personally. I sulk. I get butt-hurt. Yep, I'm all of those things. That either makes me a crazy person or it just makes me a normal GIRL. At 42, I'm still not sure which!

But here's the thing, I don't want to lie or "pretend" either ... I don't want to smile through clenched teeth and say "I'm okay" when people ask "How are you?". B/c while there are indeed many good days, there are some that aren't so great. Grief is a tricky thing. Change is a tricky thing too. Going through either of those alone is just about the worst & most sucky experience I can imagine. And yet, I do it. Every day.

How do I explain honestly about how I'm really doing w/ the death of my parents, the sale of my childhood home, packing up & moving to another state, being a single parent, etc. to people who really don't want to know? How do I find an outlet to express myself creatively, constructively & healthily, where one seemingly no longer exists? How do I keep all this rage, sadness, frustration, etc. from my Real Life reigned in, when I no longer feel I have a safe place to go to shed it?

I don't have any answers. I'm sure I'll get a world of crap for this little rant too.

Life's a bitch. And so am I.

Not feeling it.

Hello to my 2 or 3 readers. How are things? Having a good summer? Read any good books?

Me? Well, I keep wanting to sit down and write. But every time I plop down into this hard-on-my-ass white folding chair, turn on the iMachine, etc. suddenly, I've got a big. fat. zero. Not one of those constantly floating in my head ideas pops forth, it's as if my brain has been erased by the glow of the monitor.

Nothing. Or least nothing I feel like talking about.

I don't know if I want to keep what I'm feeling & going through more closely guarded than I normally would, or if I'm just not feeling inspired, or if I am too easily distracted (Damn you Twitter!). Mostly I have so much going on, I'm really not even sure where to start.

Certainly, I miss my parents. A lot. I feel anchorless, rudderless, up shit creek without a paddle, or something nautical like that. I'm dreading the inevitable legal stuff that's coming down the pike soon w/ regard to their estate. I'm feeling really confused about what I'm supposed to do next, especially now that I'm not taking care of anyone other than my daughter & myself. You've gotta understand, I have defined myself as a caretaker for so long, I'm really not sure what else (or WHO else) I am.

I feel like I keep f**king things up too. With my friends, with my family, my daughter, my non-career, and with my ex. But the only way I know how to stop doing that is to just STFU and then push people away.

I feel angry again. I feel VERY uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel disconnected from others, but even more so I feel disconnected from myself. I'm afraid of how the next half of my life is going to turn out, and I'm afraid what Declan's will be like too. I feel like she is happier when she's with anyone else but me, and I don't blame her. Most of the time I think she'd be better off if she were with someone else. Lastly, I feel like my body has betrayed me, with it's stupid fibroid tumors, wonky thyroid, hot flashes, mood swings, puffed out belly, and the monthly bleed-a-thons from hell that I must endure.

So I guess that's about it. Until I know what to say, or how to say it with some level of dignity or grace, (or at the very least, with far less rancor) I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. Of course, those who know me know that I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so we'll see how long that lasts. Ha.

Meanwhile, to prove that I'm not all doom and gloom... Here is Top 10 List of some things I'd really like to do in the next year:

1) Learn how to Tango (Argentine style)
2) Learn how to use my new digital Canon SLR camera (& learn to use it well).
3) Practice Yoga at least 3 days a week
4) Meditate & practice Conscious Contact w/ Spirit daily
5) Travel to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Tucson & Santa Fe (in no particular order)
6) Get another dog
7) Remodel my kitchen & two bathrooms
8) Lose 50+ pounds
9) I want to FEEL good about what I see when I look in a mirror.
10) Join the Audubon Society & start birding regularly again.

That's all I can come up w/ today. Oh, one last thing... I have joined a group on Flickr that posts a picture a day for the whole month of August. You can see the set contributions I'm making HERE or HERE.

XOXOXO's,

Cher ~