Friday, April 25, 2008

Fragmented



I've spent a good portion of my life stranded in some kind of time/space continuum that is not of this earth, i.e. not grounded, or somewhere "out there" rather than right here, where my feet are, in this moment. Present. Complete. Whole.

Maybe this is a Piscean thing; two fish swimming in opposite directions. Maybe I've never felt whole b/c I was given up for adoption & languished in Foster Care for 6 months before being placed w/ the family that ultimately became my own. Maybe it's having an emotionally unavailable father & controlling mother. Maybe it's being date raped at 15 or molested at 12 by a childhood friends brother.

Maybe it's NONE of those things & it's simply some story I've created to define who I am. Waa Waa Waa. Poor me right? I mean, hello! I'm the girl who practically shouts at people in 12 Step meetings, "If you want a different life, tell a different story."

So WTF?

Why is it that I'm NOT whole most days, or at least don't feel like I am? My brain is constantly somewhere other than right here in the now. Why do I continue to choose being rudderless & separate from The One, than doing everything I can to reconnect?

Why am I telling the same story & expecting a different life?

Today my therapist used the word "fragmented" about my current state of mind. She hit the nail right on the head when she asked me, "you're not here in this room are you?" I burst into tears & reluctantly looked her dead in the eye (something she insists that I do but have a hard time with) as I answered sobbing, "No, I'm not."

As with most people, my life has been a series of loss, abandonment & the requisite grief that goes with them. I'm not unique in this way, even if I like to THINK that I am. Oh yes, I suffer from a bad case of Terminal Uniqueness.

I've repeatedly attached meaning to those losses that are totally of the Ego Self. Meaning that does not serve me, that keeps me fragmented &/or from moving toward living a Life of Purpose. Yucky stuff like self-pity, self-loathing, low self-esteem, passive aggressiveness, doubt, fear, anger, bitterness, resentments, etc.

Crazy Town is where I go b/c it's what I know. It's familiar. It feels "safe". It keeps others from getting close. Even though I desperately want let people in, I don't trust them, so I act as if I don't need them (when I totally DO).

And b/c I'm all about personal responsibility & owning MY part in things, I apologize and admit to my craziness rather quickly nowadays. But in doing that, I also sometimes take on things that aren't mine to own. Like maybe it would be a good idea to THINK before I open my big fat mouth. Just sayin'.

But as usual, I digress.

Today I got to walk into Pam's office feeling completely disconnected from my life, from myself, from my daughter, from G-d & from this earth... and I got to spend an hour finding my way back.

In the past 3 years I've had a baby. A wonderful thing, something I never ever thought would happen (another story for another day). And my best friend reminded me this morning that Declan CHOSE me & the BD/ex-BF to be her parents so I cannot undo or disrespect what she chose.

I attempted to have a loving & committed relationship w/ her father, but it didn't work out. I should commend us both for at least trying right? Even though I made a lot of mistakes, even if I didn't honor my own worth (or his) I am going to try really hard not to see this latest & greatest loss as another failure on my part. Eventually, I'll get to a place of peace about this right?

I have to give myself a little slack too b/c I also lost my mom to Alzheimer's, my dogs to cancer, sold my home, left my job & moved in w/ my elderly father, who I then watched to the point that he required full time care. Major events in and of themselves, it's no wonder I can't figure out where the hell I am, let alone where I'm going.

Fragmented is a good word. And I'm not really sure how to put my pieces back together (mostly b/c I'm not sure they ever were together in the first place). I've been angry for such a long time. It's been a sick & twisted pal, my own personal Jesus, my anger.

The good news is that at least I recover more speedily from my nosedives into Loony Land than I used to.

E.g. In the past 24 hours I've realized that the biggest reason I visit Crazy Town is b/c I'm angry with someone for abandoning me(us). Figuratively and literally, over & over again. Granted, I allowed it & in fact, I am the one who set it up to be exactly what it was. And in so doing, *I* have repeatedly abandoned *me*. That is the real root of my anger right there.

I endeavor to tell a different story - for this day, in this moment, right now.

Will you help me write it?

The End.

5 comments:

Melissa said...

you are wonderful, you just are. there is nothing you can do about it. something that has helped me try to find that "thing" in my life was reading Man's Search For Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. It may or may not help you but it think its worth taking a look at. being scattered, looking for meaning, feeling fragmented... it is part of our journey as mothers, woman, and regular everyday people. Know you are loved and cared about! Sending positive thoughts your way :)

Smiling, Beguiling said...

Thanks Melissa. And I'll have to check out Frankl's book, he's on my list of "to reads" anyway. ;-)

jjodanger said...

I would be honored to help you. I love you so.

jjodanger said...

I couldn't read the stupid secret code thing so it posted twice. Lame.

jb0301 said...

There is so much of what you said that rings true for me as well. I wish I had some sage advice, but I don't. I am still trying to figure out a way to allow myself to enjoy my present and simply be happy. Instead of constantly searching and waiting for that other shoe to drop.../sighs. Maybe its a fish thing, maybe its just a life thing...No matter, just know that you are not the only one and I am always here for you!