I'm making a list of all the things that I love. About Declan, about her daddy, about my family of origin & my family of choice (e.g. my dear friends).
I am going to include me on the list too, even though it's really hard for me to come up with much I like (let alone love) at the moment, it's the most important aspect of the list. For the first time in my life, I see that very clearly.
Don't know if I'll post my list here or not. I just want the Universe to know that I'm compiling it & that I am taking this task very seriously. Maybe when I'm done, I'll burn it in effigy & release it into the wind down at the beach. Maybe I'll tuck it into Declan's baby book with a picture of the three of us together. Maybe I'll put it in a letter, tuck it snugly into a bottle & set it free upon the ocean.
FYI: I can't find my focus either. Since my mom died, my rudder is gone. I have been floating in 2+ directions, without a sense of purpose or understanding. My alignment is off, the wheels keep pulling me in fruitless loop d'loops. And I've been jerking the people closest to me along for the ride to Crazy Town which ain't cool at all.
So, I'm working on figuring out how to build another rudder. One that is mine, all mine. So that I never again rely on someone else to help me find my way. Or am I supposed to rely on the people who love me & that I love? WTH?! I am so confused. Waaaaaa... I want my mommy!
I admit, I don't really know much at all. Well, I do know one thing actually... that NONE of this has anything to do w/ anyone else but me. The common denominator is me. I hereby decree that I will spend the rest of my days seeking happiness & fulfillment in ME, right where I am, no matter what the circumstances swirling around outside of my orbit, I will find a way to be happy with me & all that I already have. Because let's face it, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I am what I am.
Please G-d, help me find a way to be okay with that. Let me find that spunky, happy, self-sufficient, sassy, loving Punk Rock Girl that I know resides deep inside my black little heart.
I am what I am.
And I love you.
P.S. A Redheaded Slut is a very yummy drink. They also tend to get me knocked up.