Monday, April 28, 2008
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Several people have used that phrase around me in the past few days. It's a familiar phrase. I've heard it often in the rooms of Al-Anon & of course I lived it daily growing up in an alcoholic home. But what does it really mean? And if I subscribe to the notion that Words Have Shaman-istic Power (and I do btw), then what business do I have even saying such things out loud? Why give them any power or credence? I can CHOOSE not to, right?
Yeah, but here's the thing. The phrase really does sum up what I've been most afraid of for the past 2 years or so. I've always sort of been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never really trusting. Never really accepting, certainly never forgiving. Afraid of what happened anyway. Definitely angry (no, pissed off) about the situation -- but I think I've established that already. HaHaHa.
The shoe finally dropped and I'm walking through what that feels like, not trying to skirt around it or avoid it altogether. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I also know I'll get to the other side, because G-d so didn't bring me this far just to drop me on my arse.
Most days I'm kind of oblivious to it all anyway because frankly I'm used to doing this Mommy Thing alone, at least 99% of the time. That's the way it's always been, from Day 1 of my pregnancy in fact. Nothing has really changed except now I don't have a certain title anymore (e.g. The GF).
Life is funny. The way it serves up lessons, adventures, challenges, etc. It seems so haphazard sometimes, so random. But it's not. The Universe has one helluva good sense of humor, let me tell ya. So what can I do but roll with the punches & laugh? Bwuhuhuhuhuhu (belly laugh)!
Meanwhile, did I mention it's boiling hot outside? Well, it is. Ugh. Is this G-d's way of gearing me up for 3 weeks in TX? A test perhaps? Ha. Probably!