… TO HAVE FAITH!
But I get scared. And I get sad. And of course I don't say stuff out loud. And then my ego (bad voice) convinces me that everything is hopeless, so what's the bloody point, and then I just want to cut/run instead of listening to Spirit (good, TRUE voice)... and it says,
"Where are your feet right now, at this moment?"
And you know what? My feet are currently parked underneath my desk in this silly CubeFarm on the 4th floor of an office building in
I'm good, if I can just remember that.
Also, I need to remember that this is NOT about anyone else. This is about me, and MY lack of faith that G-d has a wonderful plan for my life. Not down the road either, but right now. I'm already IN it. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow or 6 months from now. There are no guarantees for the "future" anyway. I'm blessed right now. I'm going to be okay, no matter what.
The issues I keep battling inside my head, as much as I want to make them about the "other person", they are ultimately my issues. And the one that seems most glaring is my utter lack of faith as it relates to me, my daughter and OUR lives. What other people do or think is really just NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
I can totally see how G-d takes care of other people. I absolutely believe in the miracles and beautiful/amazing things in other people's lives. Why do I have such a hard time having faith that it's happening in my life too?
For today, I'm not going to be ashamed that I possess an ego (I'm human after all). I'm going to work a little harder on listening to the good voice, the "Spirit" voice that is vying for a more prominent position in my head. And that's as it should be. That's what spiritual & emotional growth is all about right? If I strive to connect w/ G-d on a daily basis, how can my life NOT get better? There is already so much proof in my life (and in the lives of those around me) that this is true… but I struggle w/ the action of being IN faith.
Argh. Being a grownup is hard work. Being in a grownup relationship is too. But I'm trying like a MoFo to get it right. I really, really am. And I think it's becoming clear that getting it right (for me) means taking a road LESS traveled. I already know how to take the road of "cut and run"… I think I'll try something different this time.
P.S. Did I mention Dex is CRAWLING now?! Holy crap!
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -- George Elliot
"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." -- Edith Hamilton