Wednesday, November 7, 2007

P.S. (Pre sleep? Post sleep? Praying for sleep?)

Leaving later today for Portland... another house hunting visit. This time my BF is coming w/ Dex & I. I'm glad for that b/c I don't wanna do this stuff alone anymore. The bummer of course is that it's just a "vacation". He's not leaving Vegas... and I'm not staying in CA. What next?

Meanwhile, I sit here wondering how much more "relaxed" I'd be (e.g. less stressed, less fat, less freaked out) if I actually got real sleep every night? Quality sleep? Sleep without interuption from crying babies, barking dogs, restless elderly fathers, rats scurrying the halls, roofers banging away above, phones ringing, sweat inducing nightmares, discomfort in my own bed. Not to mention all the thoughts & worries running tireless circles around some beaten clay track in my brain for hours upon end when I should be SLEEPING.

Probably would do me a world of good.

Easier said than done though. G-d, please let me get some sleep in Portland.

The end. Again.

Sleep deprivation...


The end.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Time to move on...

G-d bless my mom, her business sense & fortitude has allowed me the luxury to leave my job. I won't have to go back to work until I find the house "of my dreams" and am firmly ensconced in it.

My last day will be on Sept 25th, after which I'm going to spend some time screwing my head back on from losing mom AND my dogs in July, to focus on raising my daughter right, look into moving to the Pacific NW, get this hideous post-child birth body of mine back in shape, catch up on my reading (how I miss reading), and finally sort through all the crap I brought over to dad's when I moved in so that I can pack it all up again to leave. LOL.

I'm terrified. I'm afraid I'll be a single mom raising this beautiful girl forever. I'm afraid I won't be able to find good daycare, schools, resources, or even new friends when I move. I know these are irrational fears, but they're there. I'm also exhilarated and excited about this new chapter in my life. I'm hopeful that Dex's daddy will find a way to remain in our lives (G-d knows I want him to). I'm grateful that I have an opportunity to become a full-fledged adult & do what's right for myself and my child. My head & heart are full of emotions, very overwhelming. But it'll all be okay, no matter what. I just have to remember that.

The end for today. Work is calling (thank Crisco I don't have to do this much longer)...

C ~

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Customer Service

I took this "definition" from another blog called "Begging to Differ, which has apparently gone away (too bad, it was a cool blog). Anyway, it's SO true! I wish I'd written this... Enjoy.

Customer service (noun)
[kuhs-tuh-mer sur-vis]

1. Providing the minimal amount of interaction or aid required to keep a working relationship with a customer. This is usually carried out by underpaid employees that are only permitted to read from pre-written scripts; often follows 15 minutes of dealing with computer recorded menus and 30 minutes of being placed on hold. Customer service usually follows billing mistakes in the form of extra charges and/or service outages and is sometimes treated as a luxury, coming with a monetary charge to the user

2. User populated bulletin boards where other customers that have had similar problems help correct product issues.

3. (outdated, circa 1990) An act of helpful activity towards an individual with whom you have a business relationship to aid in solving an issue with their account or service. The customer is always right…

Hunter (as in Hunter S. Thompson) was a cock too, but at least he was funny!

A friend sent this quote to me (see below). It made me laugh. I needed a laugh, so I'm posting it here in the hopes it gives my one or two other readers a laugh as well. Btw, my father's name is Hunter. How appropriate.

"I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone… but they’ve always worked for me." - Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

My dad is a cock.

A friend told me this morning that my dad has "forgotten love."

Bullocks! I say he never KNEW love, therefore how could he forget?

That's way too easy an excuse. It gives him far too much credit. It also assumes he has an actual heart beating in that concave blackened rotting hole of a cavity he calls a chest.

He's just a sad, pitiful bastard. Another dry drunk who can't (won't) take responsibility for his actions, his drinking, his utter lack of HUMAN-NESS.

He has spewed the ever running diarrhea from his mouth at me & my kid for the last time. I am not going to get sucked into his misery or his mean-spirited nastiness anymore. The last words that I'll ever direct his way (other than the words "Goodbye" when I finally leave CA forever) were last night when I told him he was the most selfish, self-absorbed person I'd ever known. That's it dad. That's the last words you're gonna get from me. Ever.

You shall reep what you sow old man. And I will feel not one iota of sorry for you. No guilt, no shame, no nothing. I sir, am done with you, for good.

The end.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I dream of Pinkberry

Seriously. I do. I can't get enough of it. It's the new crack craze in LA/OC. And now that we have two Pinkberry stores in LB, I want my crack as often as I can get it. All hail the Crack(errr,Pink)berry!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Alzheimer's SUCKS

Alzheimer's Bracelet - Anonymous

On my wrist I wear a bracelet
To help me think, pray and cope
Of the day I lost my mother
With Alzheimer's there's no hope
She was stripped of all her memory
Of a family she loved so
All her friends and loved ones
Didn't want to see her go
God had a special reason
To end her suffering and her pain
Heaven's gates flew wide open
Such an angel did He gain
Some of her many loved ones
Waited there with opened arms
She now has back her memory
And all her loving charms
Someday I will be thankful
For a cure from this disease
Until then, for Mama I will wear this bracelet
To put my mind at ease.


My mom passed away on Tuesday July 24 2007, after an 11+ year battle w/ Alzheimer's Disease. She would have been 78 in August. I can't believe it's already been a week since she left this earth.

Mom, I miss you more than I can express.

Love forever,

Your Daughter

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Doggie Heaven

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

I once saw a movie called "What Dreams May Come" w/ Robin Williams... it is a good movie, but I'm remembering it today b/c in it, dogs get to go to heaven.

I believe this is true. Dogs are truly some of the most special creatures I've ever know & I cannot imagine a heaven without them, nor a G-d that would create such amazing creatures to deny them a place in heaven. In fact, I think dogs are more likely to be given entry than WE are.

Today, my 12 year old coon hound Marley and my 11 year old heeler Tango went to heaven. I know G-d is stroking their soft, unmarred fur. I know they are rolling in endless fields of green grass.

I can't stop crying. I know it will get better, but I feel as though I failed them somehow. Their last months should have been better, happier, soft & comfy, on my bed, & in my life the way it used to be before we moved in this house. They should have been w/ their pack (me & Dex) instead of sequestered in a small room and the yard, separated from us. It wasn't fair. And I hate my dad for it.

But I got to be there w/ them today when they both went to sleep, side by side. Tango first, then Marley. And I will forever be haunted by this last memory of them, their heads drooping, and then lying lifeless on the floor. But I am glad I wasn't a coward, I'm glad I held them and petted them as they left this earth. And I also know they will be watching over me & Dex forever... w/ Frasier, Jasper, Brandy, and Teresa by their side.

I love you my little doggie doodles. I hope you can forgive me for these past 4 months. Rest in peace. I'll see you again someday, please don't forget me okay?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Victory for Adoptees in Maine






Bastard Nation: the Adoptee Rights Organization congratulates Maine on becoming the fourth state since 1998 to restore the right of original birth certificate access to adult adoptees. Following in the footsteps of Oregon, Alabama, and New Hampshire (Kansas and Alaska never sealed records) Maine's activist organization OBC for ME has shown that through focus, perseverance, and a refusal to compromise the rights of all for the privilege of a few, that a clean unconditional access bill can be passed. Overwhelmingly passed,

Despite naysayers, on June 18, near the close of the legislative session, the Maine House overrode and over ran the HB's 1084 "Do Not Pass" recommendation from the Joint Standing Committee on Judiciary, 104-39. The next day, the Senate followed, passing, the bill 20-15. On June 20, the bill returned to both houses and passed "by the hammer" with no amendments. Bim! Bam! Boom!

Bastard Nation was highly critical of the 2006 records access campaign which began with a clean bill and finished threatened with compromises that made it unrecognizable. This time, OBC for ME (love the name!) ran a mostly under-the-radar operation. Activists emphasized the "localiness" of adoptee rights and the state's responsibility to its adopted people.

HB 1084 had an extremely strong sponsor, Rep. David Farrington, and the quiet personal lobbying of adoptee Sen. Paula Benoit to shepherd it through with non-partisian support. Benoit's dignified presentation for records access is credited by friends and foes of access with keeping the debate from the bitterness and acrimony that marked last year's circus.

Rep. Farrington's June 18 statement on the House floor ranks him as one of BN's heroes, though we were not involved in the bill. You can listen to Rep. Farrington and Sen. Benoit and other supporting speakers, along with a bit of anti-adoptee gas baggery (especially from the House side) at

Governor John Baldacci signed the bill on Monday, June, 25, 2007. It will take effect on January 1, 2009 and gives anyone adopted in Maine 18 and older, upon request, the right to their original birth certificate.

Bastard Nation salutes the come-backs kids of Maine! And we thank those legislators who agreed to undo the wrong done to Maine's adoptees in 1953 when their records were sealed from them. Other states take note: You can win without compromising your principles and the rights adopted persons. Maine rocks!

Bastard Nation: The Adoptee Rights Organization

PO Box 1469

Edmond, OK 73083-1469



Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Trivial crap I'm sick of hearing about!

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears & every other "Bippy Twat" celebrity that is famous for being famous.

** Attention News Channels - Reporting about these loser self-indulgent bitches is NOT news. It's inane gossip. **

You want to report the real NEWS?

How about telling America about what those overpaid f**ks on Capitol Hill are really doing w/ our tax dollars?

Or maybe a real assessment of how President Bush & his Administration has seriously F**KED the United States by going into Iraq & made us even more vulnerable to Terrorists attacks than we were pre-9/11?

Or how Jimmy Carter is a complete & total moron who has clearly lost his damn mind by siding w/ the nut job Arabs in Palestine over the Israeli's? Yes, you heard me. NUT JOBS, the lot of them. Until the "Moderate Muslims" I keep hearing about actually speak up against Jihadists, I am NOT going to believe that "most Muslims are decent people". Just ain't. B/c it's clearly not true. So speak up, speak out, or shut up & wait for Israel (and hopefully the rest of the world) to blow you asses up til you are Dead, Dead, Dead.

How about reporting on the Auto and Oil industries refusal to produce affordable technology that will break our dependence on oil (foreign or otherwise) once and for all? Or the fact that Congress continues to take their money (i.e. bribes) instead of insisting that they do something about all those gas guzzling Hummers they make?

Maybe a report or two about all the idiots that are putting their hats into the presidential race ring for '08. Not a single one of them is worth their weight in gold, or copper, or silver, or shite. We need a real CHOICE here people, but until National Politics is about more than money (and the need to have butt loads of it to even run for office), we will continue to be stuck w/ self-indulgent, pampered shit heads that haven't a bloody clue about what life is like for real Americans.

Oh... lawd. I'm in a mood today.

But seriously. I can't stand the "news". CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX, they all suck. They seem to think we want to know about missing pregnant ladies, murdered babies, scumbag police officers, child molesters, car accidents, and vapid celebrities.

Is this what we want? Is this how we want to raise our children? Tune in? Forget about it, I'm tuning OUT.


Monday, June 4, 2007

New favorite thing!

Debe introduced me to something REALLY good over the weekend... It sounds weird, but TRY it and I'll bet you love it as much as me!

Onion bagel
Whipped cream cheese
Beefsteak tomato
Lemon pepper

Get the freshest deli-style onion bagel you can find. Cut it in half and toast to your preferred lightness/darkness. Spread a hearty layer of cream cheese on each half, then place a tomato slice on top of the cream cheese. Cover w/ generous sprinkling of lemon pepper. Eat. Repeat.


Sunday, June 3, 2007

Down isn't up...

Feelin' down I'm feeling really isolated tonight. Seems I always say or do the wrong thing & end up offending someone. Makes me want to just quit, everything. My job, my friends, my life, myspace.

Yes, I'm taking some things personally (Rule #1: never take things personally), but damn it, I feel really f**king "unwanted, unloved and alone" in this old house that's falling apart from years of neglect, with two dying dogs, my stuff still strewn about in boxes b/c I can't find the energy or free time to unpack them, and my 82-year old dry drunk of a father who is truly one of the meanest people I've ever known.

I miss my BF. I miss the stillness his presence brings. I laugh/smile more when he's here. I feel I've lost my "sparkle" when he isn't. I sleep better when he's next to me, which is saying a lot, b/c I don't sleep.

I'm going to go in the other room & watch my baby for a while. Her little face and soft sleep sighs always make me feel better.

G'night. I'm sure this too shall pass.

P.S. The Sopranos episode tonight was seriously messed up. I can't believe there is only one episode left.

Friday, June 1, 2007

While you all still slumber...

Fun & Games
Barenaked Ladies

We sent in the Army
They sounded alarms
We saw it coming from a mile away

We kept it off radar
'Cause we had to say our intentions were to save the day
Why did you fail to see?

It was a gag
It was all for a laugh
They were shocked and awed and they were blown in half

Fun and Games
We were just pulling legs
We knew this barrel of fun would be a powder keg

We kept it all long range
And made a regime change
You'd have thought it would have been a gas
And when it got ugly
We sat around smugly
Because you bought our little joke en masse

Don't look at me that way
It was a gag
It was all for a laugh
We knew your sons and daughters would be blown in half

Fun and Games
We were just pulling legs
We knew this barrel of fun would be a powder keg

Put a smile on
We're the ones that you selected
Leave that dial, son
Beacause we just go re-elected

In a while our bill of rights will be rejected
And all the blame will be deflected
The forests will be unprotected
The Nation's poor will be neglected
Creation myth is resurrected
The new salute is genuflected
The Gallup poll will be respected
A gallows pole will be erected
And all this will go undetected

While you all slumbered
We sat and crunched numbers
Of all the casualties we could afford
There's no need to draft them
You could hear us laugh then
The poor and black all need their room and board
Did I say that out loud?

It was a gag
It was all for a laugh
And now our very nation has been blown in half

Fun and Games
We were just pulling legs
We knew this barrel of fun would be a powder keg
Oh yeah.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

A Good Contagious

I got this quote from Marnie today (see below) & I really loved it!! Wanted to share...

Btw, my dad is TOTALLY one of the "Grumpy People" & I need to stop giving him (or his grumpiness) any more power. It's not gonna be easy, but I have to make a DAILY concerted effort to access my highest human qualities and fill up w/ that goodness instead of with the anger & resentment he wants to infect me with. Yuck. Get it off me!


Be Contagious with Good

There is a statement of Emma Curtis Hopkins that always intrigued and inspired me. Paraphrasing, it says, "Be contagious with Spirit." We know of plenty of people who get their bad moods all over people. Some share generously of their pessimism. How about us sharing our joy, love and hope for a better future?

This week, access the place within yourself where the Highest of human qualities reside. Fill up with those qualities (you'll be tapping the Mystical Wellspring of Spirit) and then let that Spirit spill out of you onto others. After all, why should grumpy people have all the power?

Keep on Smiling!

Rev. Kathianne Lewis

Center for Spiritual Living - Spiritual Practice

Friday, May 25, 2007

Asato Maa Sad Gamaya
Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya
Mrithyor Maa Amritham Gamaya
Om, Shanti, Shanti, Shantihi

Lead me from untruth to truth
Lead me from darkness (ignorance) to light (knowledge)
Lead me from death to immortality
Om peace, peace, peace ...

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Here comes the weekend... soon, soon.

My BF is coming to town today. He's bringing his sister with him... she's out visiting from MN. I'm looking forward to meeting her & of course spending time w/ both of them & with Dexy.

I'm also really glad it's a holiday this weekend. I need some time to chill. Eat good food. Sit in the sunshine instead of this depressing 4th Floor Cube Farm. Play w/ my kid. Smooch and snuggle w/ my BF. Laugh. Drink. Listen to music, LOUD. Wear my grubby jeans and a comfie tee-shirt. You know, the good stuff.

Life is good. Especially when I'm NOT at work.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Good Vibrations

"If there is something that you desire and it is not coming to you, it always means the same thing. You are not a vibrational match to your own desire."

Excerpted from a workshop in Boca Raton, FL on Sunday, January 12th, 1997 - Abraham Hicks Publications

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Three little words...

Three Words to Watch Out For

People confuse ‘desire’ with ‘determination’. You may like to finish medical school; whether you do or not will depend not on whether you desire that achievement but whether you are committed to it. What is your goal? What would you like to achieve? How much do you want to achieve it? How motivated are you? You say you want to accomplish your ambition--but how serious are you really? I can tell you one thing for sure--the chance that you will reach your goal is not predicated on your genuine interest in that achievement but on whether you can muster real drive and enthusiasm.

I know people who would love to start their own business or write a book and I don’t doubt their sincerity. I also don’t doubt that it will never happen. Why? Because dearly wishing for something is not the same as being dead serious about realizing it. When an idea changes from a dream to a goal, from an aspiration to a plan--then you will see things happen. Why do so many great ideas--that are spoken about so emphatically--prove in the end as successful as Haman’s plot? The problem is that in our own minds we are undermining ourselves; we are subverting our own success! Are we prepared to believe in ourselves? Or are we actually unconvinced?

Here are three words to look out for: If, Try and But. Spot them in your language and you’ve been caught red-handed being an unrepentant self-skeptic. These expressions are a warning that you don’t believe what you are saying, so what chance is there?

“If I finally manage to get my act together, I will have an amazing business plan.” If? What kind of language is that? I thought you were serious? Not if--When! I thought you said it was a great plan? So why start with ‘If’? I have no idea what your business plan says, but if you don’t wholeheartedly go for it, there’s an excellent chance it will remain one big ’if.’ If is iffy. That word is banned, treif! ‘If’ implies choice, but often it simply means that it may never happen. The sages of the Talmud say that "G-d regards a positive intention as an action." Why? If you have a serious intent it will result in action. Any disbelief--whether in G-d or yourself--is problematic.

“I will try to get my office sorted out before I am literally submerged by my papers.” What do you mean ‘try’? Are you or are you not going to clear out your office? No one in the history of the planet ever tried to clean their office--they either did or they didn’t. The word ‘try’ presupposes failure. The word ‘try’ is often used when there is an expectation of defeat. You are not going to try to tackle your office deluge--you will tackle it! I cannot guarantee you’ll succeed, but I can guarantee that if you try to you won’t. You don’t try to get out of bed in the morning--you just get out. To achieve a goal, don’t try, do. With G-d’s help you’ll succeed.

“I have this plan to learn through the entire Talmud, but I need to get a few thing sorted out first.” The word ‘but’ is the verbal equivalent of the reverse gear in your car. It negates whatever is said before. ‘But’ is a great eraser. It rubs out whatever positive vibes you had expressed previously. If a friend says to you, “Malkie, you’re looking great today, but it’s too bad about your hairstyle,” she would have been better saying nothing. If your friend ‘compliments’ you on your new chocolate cake recipe thus, “It tasted amazing, but I was nearly hospitalized with stomach pains,” you would think you could manage somehow without such praise. So if it’s no good for someone else to do it to you--how does it become acceptable to do it to yourself?! Answer: it doesn’t. When someone says, “Yes, but…” you know the emphasis is on the ‘but,’ not the ‘yes.’ When you are expressing your positive affirmation, there is no ‘but.’ Got it?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell is dead.

I'd like to say I'm sad.

But I'm not.

11 Months...

Dex is 11 months old today. One more month and she'll no longer be a "baby", she'll be a toddler. She crawls, sits, pulls herself up to a standing position, has seven dang teeth (I have the bite mark to prove it), laughs at everything from the dog to her daddy, eats her solids like a champ, points, waves, babbles constantly in a secret language I've yet to decipher, etc.

I had to buy her a new car seat over the weekend b/c she is 21 pounds, 11 oz. and over 30" long. Her infant seat only fits infants to 31" and it is getting to snug now. She's big enough to be "forward facing" actually. Won't do that for a while yet, she's safer the other way. The Britax car seat I got will take her to 65 pounds. Good seat. Expensive seat. Holy cow, raising a kid costs a small fortune.

I digress.

Where the hell did the past 11 months go? Too fast, too fast. 'Course, she'll always be my baby. I so look forward to seeing her little face each morning when I wake her up & in the evenings when I pick her up from daycare after a long day at work... these are the kinds of little things that are the highlight of my days now. Who knew being a mom could be so hard, and so wonderful all at the same time?

So... Happy Birthday little girl o'mine. I am already in wonder of what kinds of things you will learn to do between now & June 15th, or for that matter between now and age 40 (like me). Or all the crazy things you will most certainly do to make me laugh. Indeed, we're just getting started...

Monday, May 14, 2007

Stop "Organic" Factory Farming

Hi everyone!

I came across this interesting info and thought you might be interested too. It's from the Organic Consumers Association (I'm a big proponent of organic and locally grown foods, but had NO idea that many of the "organic" brands I buy are in fact NOT organic):


Two of the largest organic dairy companies in the nation, Horizon Organic (a subsidiary of Dean Foods), a supplier to Wal-Mart and many health food stores; and Aurora Organic, a supplier of private brand name organic milk to Costco, Safeway, Giant, Wild Oats and others. Together, these corporations control 65% of the organic dairy market, but they are purchasing the majority of their milk from feedlot dairies where the cows have little or no access to pasture.

Here's how this can be stopped: The USDA has posted revisions to the National Organic Program and is seeking public comment until June 12, 2006. The revisions can be viewed here. A portion of the revisions relates to the issue of dairy produced on factory farms being misleadingly labeled as "organic."

Take action and send a letter to the USDA here:


For more info on Organic foods, corporate/government responsibility & factory farming in America, etc. see the OCA home page at:


Saturday, April 28, 2007

Internet Radio Equality Act

Recently, the U.S Copyright Royalty Board issued a ruling that dramatically increases the royalties paid to rights holders for streaming music on the Internet. While public broadcasters have been paying negotiated royalties to music publishers/songwriters for some time, this marks the first time, due to increased activity and new technology that we have been asked to pay the “performers” royalties. The board ruling set new rates that are 250% above copyright royalties. Even more ominous is that these royalties by themselves greatly exceed the revenues that the handful of public stations like XPN who are committed to music streaming generate or expect to generate in the near future. These services all are committed to playing artists who do not otherwise get airplay on commercial radio.

Section 118 of the Copyright Act of 1976 specified “a fair return to copyright owners without unfairly burdening public broadcasters.” Clearly this is not the case here. Therefore, Congress will introduce a bill this week addressing both noncommercial and commercial streaming services, the “Internet Radio Equality Act”. This legislation recognizes public radio’s public service mission and will put these royalties under the same system and standards as the royalties we currently pay to the publishers/songwriters. We believe artists should be fairly compensated but under a system that allows the continuing operation and development of the Internet streaming of music that does not get exposure in commercial broadcasting.

Please contact your congressional representatives in the next week and ask them to co-sponsor and support the Internet Radio Equality Act. The future of non-commercial Internet music streaming depends on getting relief from this onerous new burden. We are pursuing this acknowledgement of the special role of public broadcasting in negotiations, through legislation and in the courts.

Thank you and stay tuned.

Roger LaMay, General Manager WXPN

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Some Days

Some days just suck. Some days you just feel like you've been run over flat by EVERYONE in your orbit (friends, family, co-workers, life, etc.) & you just don't have the strength to get up anymore.

Today is one of those days.

I'm feeling that familiar aching & desperate feeling of wanting to make a geographic. I really want to pack up all my stuff & move far, far away. Austin sounds good. Maybe Portland or Seattle. Cities that are small, friendly, inexpensive to live (or at least less expensive than CA) & most definitely cities that are far enough away that I won't have to deal w/ my immediate family & their bullshite anymore.

F**k 'em.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Deadeye Dick

Damn... another GREAT writer is gone from our midst.

All the best to ya Mr. Vonnegut up there in heaven. I'm sure you'll keep G-d well entertained. Say hey to Adams, Heinlein & Kesey for me will ya? Oh, and a special thank you for "Dead Eye Dick" in particular. Damn... that was a good f**king book. What can I say? You're missed already. There are too few writers of your caliber anymore, far too few.

P.S. WTF is up w/ someone burning down Johnny's house in TN? Accident or not, that's messed up man.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Haves & Have Nots?

Something to think about:

I will never be happy with what I want (or think I want), if I'm not happy with what I already have right now.

Monday, April 2, 2007

I Love Lesbians!

Some of my dearest friends are gay women. Most of my childhood friends have long thought I am gay b/c I am always showing up at their parties w/ my gay (or other single) female friends. Whatever. I don't care what they think. Lesbians are AWESOME!

Thank G-d for them. Seriously. I love everything about them; their hearts, their sense of humor, their girlfriends (Butch, lipstick, femme, it's all good), their sense of style (or lack thereof - LOL), their love of animals, how comfortable most of them seem to be in their skin, how quickly they fall in love & COMMIT to each other (kinda scary too)... all of it.

Speaking of lesbians. I was in Belmont Shore yesterday w/ my birthmom & her long time friend (they are not lesbians, bear with me here). I was walking along noting all the openly gay couples on the street. Yet another reason to LOVE Long Beach. There was this way hot lesbian couple having lunch at a sidewalk cafe w/ their equally beautiful Visla dog. I stopped to talk to them b/c of their dog. I felt instantly at ease w/ them. See what I mean? They're just cool man.

Second thing to note for today that is heavily on my mind (in a good way):

It's opening day for Major League Baseball!!

'Nuff said.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Soemthing I really need to remember...


But I get scared. And I get sad. And of course I don't say stuff out loud. And then my ego (bad voice) convinces me that everything is hopeless, so what's the bloody point, and then I just want to cut/run instead of listening to Spirit (good, TRUE voice)... and it says,

"Where are your feet right now, at this moment?"

And you know what? My feet are currently parked underneath my desk in this silly CubeFarm on the 4th floor of an office building in
Long Beach CA.

I'm good, if I can just remember that.

Also, I need to remember that this is NOT about anyone else. This is about me, and MY lack of faith that G-d has a wonderful plan for my life. Not down the road either, but right now. I'm already IN it. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow or 6 months from now. There are no guarantees for the "future" anyway. I'm blessed right now. I'm going to be okay, no matter what.

The issues I keep battling inside my head, as much as I want to make them about the "other person", they are ultimately my issues. And the one that seems most glaring is my utter lack of faith as it relates to me, my daughter and OUR lives. What other people do or think is really just NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I can totally see how G-d takes care of other people. I absolutely believe in the miracles and beautiful/amazing things in other people's lives. Why do I have such a hard time having faith that it's happening in my life too?

For today, I'm not going to be ashamed that I possess an ego (I'm human after all). I'm going to work a little harder on listening to the good voice, the "Spirit" voice that is vying for a more prominent position in my head. And that's as it should be. That's what spiritual & emotional growth is all about right? If I strive to connect w/ G-d on a daily basis, how can my life NOT get better? There is already so much proof in my life (and in the lives of those around me) that this is true… but I struggle w/ the action of being IN faith.

Argh. Being a grownup is hard work. Being in a grownup relationship is too. But I'm trying like a MoFo to get it right. I really, really am. And I think it's becoming clear that getting it right (for me) means taking a road LESS traveled. I already know how to take the road of "cut and run"… I think I'll try something different this time.


Cheryl ~

P.S. Did I mention Dex is CRAWLING now?! Holy crap!

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -- George Elliot

"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." -- Edith Hamilton

Monday, March 26, 2007

Month End Report(ing)

Dex turned 9 months old a little over 1 week ago. She already has her 5th tooth coming in. It broke through yesterday. AND she has started crawling in earnest over the past 2 days. More like an Army crawl actually. She drags herself across the floor w/ her arms and torso. Her Daddy saw her do it first. Of course. Look at what I miss being at work full time. Damn it!

Moved in w/ my dad over St. Patrick's Day weekend. New Sisal carpets were installed last Monday in my bedroom and the baby's, a few coats of fresh paint too and new windows are coming next week. But there is still so much to do to make the house I grew up in remotely livable for me, Dex and my dogs. For example, the shower. Oy. Taking a shower in that bathroom is truly the most depressing thing I've experienced in a long while. But the house been neglected for at least 20 years & was built in 1957, so you can imagine how "degraded" things are (to say the least).

Basically I'm still adjusting. Everything I own is still strewn about in boxes, completely in disarray, which doesn't help matters. I also have a garage full of stuff left at my old house that I need to pack up & get out of Jacki and Bob's hair.

To be honest, I do WANT to put all my stuff away but I'm so tired by the time Dex goes to sleep that all I really want to do is eat my crappy meal and fall asleep. I also haven't got the faintest idea where to start, it's so bloody overwhelming. I hate feeling so scattered and disorganized. Makes me crazier than I already am. I feel that old familiar downward spiral of despair and it freaks me out, but short of getting my ass to a meeting (or… what?) I'm just not sure where I'm at or where I'm going. Please tell me this will pass and I'll feel a f**king sense of normalcy again.

Then there is this other thing that is looming over my head that I really don't want to deal with. I know I NEED to deal with it, but maybe now isn't the best time… with all these other stresses. It just sucks though b/c I really don't want to make a decision about it right now, if ever. Ha. Like that's an option.

Okay. That's all I've got right now. Hope y'all are doing well. Sorry I've been so bad about staying in touch and/or keeping you updated. All I can tell you is that Mommyhood is a full time job which makes extra-curricular activities next to impossible at the moment. But I love y'all and miss ya too. Some day soon I'll come up for air again and we can chill like we used to in the "old" days.



Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Into The Mystic

So things got pushed back a little... but that's okay. My stuff will now be all packed up on Friday and moved over to dads between Friday & Saturday afternoon. Woot. One way or the other, I gotta go... just thought I'd be done by now.

I had the BEST time w/ my Girls on Saturday at my yard sale (Marnie, Jess, Marlena, Christine, Debe & Dexy). We sat on a blanket in the sun, ate sandwiches and laughed at all the retarded and CHEAP - assed people who came to look my stuff over.

Sunday was a smaller version repeat episode when some of the same gals came over to watch "The L Word" and we ate New York style pizza & salads on the floor of my living room. Damn, I sure do LOVE you guys (err, I mean gals)!

Then I got slammed w/ the stomach flu or food poisoning on Sunday and Monday. Still trying to recover from that. Missed a day at work Monday which is too bad b/c if I'd felt better I could have gotten a bunch of moving related stuff done, but instead I lay in bed feeling like death warmed over.

One good thing though, I read an entire book in 3 hours -- a luxury I've not had since I was pregnant w/ Dex. Gosh, I really miss being able to finish a book in one sitting. I miss doing it in a café in San Francisco even more. I'm just saying.

I just guess I'm feeling a little stressed and the reality of my house not being mine anymore is starting to hit me finally… actually, it really hit me when I drove up after work this evening. I thought, "This isn't my driveway anymore." Dumb right?

Okay that's really all I've got to say. It's so lovely having sunlight this late in the evening. Makes me feel motivated to take a walk or something "useful".


C ~

Friday, March 9, 2007

Moving Day

Moving Day is almost here ... Saturday March 17

Tomorrow I'm having a yard sale so that I can get rid of everything I won't need at my new house. The rest will be going to the dump or to Goodwill. Sunday, I start packing. Monday thru Thursday I'll start taking loads of clothes, boxes of kitchen stuff, etc. over at lunch or after work. By Saturday of next week, I'll be out of my little house for good.

Wow. The past 6 years of my life is at an end.

To be honest, I'm getting excited about all the positive change/s that will come with this move. Change may be difficult sometimes, but it's also a wonderful cleansing agent. Deep breath in, cleansing breath out. Here we go...

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Quote For Today

"Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now. You are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else."

- Wayne Dyer

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Monday, February 12, 2007

Temporary Setbacks...Lasting blessings

I'm behind on SO many things that it overwhelms me to even try to get my brain around any of it, let alone actually tackle it one piece at a time (which is exactly how I should approach it). Grrr.....

My cable TV and modem have been shut off. My bad, as I've sort of neglected paying the bill for several months. Oops! Hey if you don't have it, you just don't have it. And to be honest, I don't miss the television. But I sure do miss my internet connection. 'Course, I miss the DVR a little too. Whatever will I do w/o "The L Word" & "Good Eats"? LOL. 'Course, since I'll be moving out of my house in less than a month it seems kind of pointless to have it all turned back on now. Hmmm... something to think about.

Other news…

Our darling baby girl will be 8 months old this Thursday (which is also my best friend Debe's birthday & the 6th year anniversary of buying my house). What the hell? Where has the time gone? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was a fat & sassy pregnant lady, and now that little fetus is here and almost a year old. Crikey!

The "new" job is going well. I like my co-workers, the cube farm environment (PR/Marketing is too cool for school compared to the rest of the building), my job duties, etc. Last Thursday I met w/ HR and started the process of making me a permanent employee. I cannot believe all the ridiculous hoops they are making me jump through – especially since most of them I'd already done when they hired me as a temp (background checks, computer application testing, reference checks, etc.). Even my boss was kind of shocked. Oh well, I'm here, they want to hire me perm, it's all good.

My Uncle Al and Aunt Alice are coming to CA for a visit on Feb 20 for about 2 weeks. They live in Kansas (seriously). I haven't seen them since the summer of 2002 when my folks & I went out to Wichita as kind of a farewell for Al and my mom. Mom stopped feeding herself about a month ago, so this is their last goodbye to her. Thank goodness Alvin is a doctor, hopefully he'll be able to look at mom in a more clinical sense b/c otherwise it is very upsetting to see her in her present state. And he is VERY sensitive. Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing them and for them to meet Dexy, etc.

My birthmother is also coming out to CA for a visit… but not until March.

Okay, that's all the time I have for now. Need to get back to work. Hope this finds all y'all well. Sorry if I'm incognito for another few weeks. Then again, maybe you'll welcome the break! LOL.


C ~

P.S. Congrats to the Chicks on their Grammy wins last night! Talk about vindication. And gosh, the dumbass Grammys even honored Bob Wills! I love that (it's about damn time)! Woot! Woot!

All I can say is that I'm glad to see the Rap Crap is finally losing it's grip on the music industry. Even better, I'm hopeful that the Rap Crap Bling Culture is on it's merry way out the f**king door forever too.

Really, we beg of you! Bring back Rock & Roll! Bring back MUSIC period! Bring back well crafted songs, lyrics, talent, musicians, instruments, etc. Bring back radio and actual music videos too. No more reality shows featuring B-List freaks and no more Top 40 replays over and over and over. I'm sick to death of it. And I don't think I'm the only one.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Anna Nicole - DEAD at 39

Not surprised one bit. She's been high on something for years. And once her son died, it seemed to me she was SO whacked out on drugs that it was only a matter of time before she offed herself (either on purpose or accidently). Did you see her on Larry King the other night? Her face was immobile and she was slurring like she was medicated/sedated. Goodness knows, she wanted so badly to be Marilyn Monroe. Guess she gets to be infamous forever now right? Selfish bitch.

What I want to know is, what happens to that new born baby she just had? Will there be a huge fight between the two supposed fathers for paternity rights? Will THEY start fighting for the money Anna Nicole was supposed to get from her 900 year old ex-hubby?


People are so G-d damned selfish! Especially famous people! And who suffers? That little baby does! 'Nuff said.

F**ked up Hollywood celebrities. They do NOT live in reality and they expect the rest of us to put up with their shite just b/c they are famous. They don't have to follow the rules like the rest of us b/c they are famous. They get to act like jackasses b/c they are famous. They get to be racist, stupid, drunk, high, irresponsible, several times divorced SCUMBAGS just b/c they are famous.


My suggestion? Stop buying all these crappy gossip papers that keep the Cult of Celebrity alive & well. Stop seeing their shit movies. Stop buying their shit music. Stop feeding & funding their stupidity. Time for us to get back to basics and make these people actually work for a living.

The end.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Human Hands

Whenever I put my foot in my mouth and you begin to doubt
That it's you that I'm dreaming about
Do I have to draw you a diagram?
All I ever want is just to fall into your human hands

Human Hands - Elvis Costello

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Not coping well

So, for today... I am giving up. Just for today. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Baby Einstein & George Bush

Falsely Marketed Baby Videos Have Odd New Fan: President Bush

The following is the statement of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood in response to President Bush using his January 23rd, 2007 State of the Union address to promote the Baby Einstein video series. During his speech, the President lauded Baby Einstein's founder, Julie Aigner-Clark, as an example of "the heroic kindness, courage and self-sacrifice of the American people," and described the success of Baby Einstein in detail. In 2006, the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood filed a Federal Trade Commission complaint against Baby Einstein (make sure this link remains active) for false and deceptive marketing; that complaint is pending.

"It is extremely disappointing that the President used his State of the Union address to provide a free infomercial for a company built on false and deceptive marketing. Despite its claims, there is no evidence that watching Baby Einstein videos is educational for babies and toddlers.

The President claimed that Ms. Aigner-Clark "represents the great enterprising spirit of America." We respectfully disagree. We don't believe that preying on parents' concerns about their children's well-being; deceiving customers about a product's benefits; or exploiting our youngest and most vulnerable children should have any role in the American marketplace. Research suggests that —for babies—TV viewing may be harmful. It's been found to interfere with cognitive development, language development and regular sleep patterns. The more time babies spend in front of TV, the less time they spend engaging in two activities that really do facilitate learning: interacting with parents away from screens, and spending time in creative play.

TV viewing can also be habituating. For older children, hours of television watched are linked to bullying, poor school performance and childhood obesity.

Despite these concerns, more babies are spending more time in front of televisions than ever. They do so, in part, because well-financed sophisticated marketing campaigns insure that we've all heard of Baby Einstein. Meanwhile, only 6% of parents are aware of that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for children under two.

Americans would be much better served if the President used the bully pulpit to promote the AAP's recommendation rather than promoting a company whose marketing deceives parents into believing that it's educational to plop babies in front of screens.

To learn more about CCFC's FTC complaint against Baby Einstein, Brainy Baby and BabyFirstTV, please visit:

If you have not yet signed our petition to the FTC urging them to investigate our complaint, please visit:


Sunday, January 21, 2007

Life Changes - again

2 weeks into the new job... so much is changing, and so fast. The job is good, I like my co-workers and my boss, etc. which doesn't suck. Dex is doing well at her day care. I've still got my BF. I still have a roof over my head.

Ah. Speaking of my roof.

I met w/ my accountant yesterday and given my house payments vs. my income ratio - now that I have a child to support solely on said middlin' income - there is no way I can manage the mortgage, child care costs, diapers, etc. and have even a dollar left over for food or gasoline, etc. so the house is gonna have to go. I feel kind of relieved actually, as much as I love my little house and all the things I've done to it, etc. the weight of that Mortgage Monkey had gotten pretty heavy. The good news is that I think I already have a buyer and if all goes well, I could be accepting an offer within 2 weeks and be moved out 45 days or so after that. Will probably move in w/ my elderly father for a while, at least until I can get back on my feet and figure out what the hell I'm doing. It won't be great, but it will be cheap, and that's the SMART thing to do for right now. It's not just about me anymore, it's about this little girl o'mine.

Speaking of being a mom... my own mother has taken a turn for the worse. She has stopped feeding herself. Of course, in the overall progression of Alzheimer's this could mean very little -- this disease really is the long good bye, often taking as long as 20 years from start to finish. She's about 11 years into this thing, so even though she has definitely declined considerably in the past few months, there may be quite a long way to go yet. This is mostly fine for mom - she is well taken care of and loved where she is. But for me, her daughter, it's beyond painful to watch.

Well, that's really all I've got to say for right now. I need to get up and at'em for the day, even though I've officially been up since 5am, it's shower and get out of the house time! HAHA.

My last thought for today... please hug the ones you love really tightly. You never know, they may not be here tomorrow.

C ~

Monday, January 8, 2007

Hi Ho, Hi Ho... it's back to work I go!

I start my new job tomorrow (Tuesday)... I'm going to be a Public Relations Coordinator. I'm scared to death, excited, nervous, etc. Hope I'll do okay. Hope they'll like me. Hope I'll like them!

The End.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Working Girl

Looks like I'm gonna be a working girl again as early as next week. Pending their background check, I have accepted an offer for a Temp-to-Hire position at a large corporation here in Long Beach. I'll give you more details when I'm absolutely certain it's a done deal.

Thanks everyone for sending me your prayers, good wishes, high level positive energy waves, etc. B/c it worked! I'm employed, and now I'll be able to take care of my daughter and my bills. What a wonderful gift that is!

Peace out.