Interesting as hell that some people go through their whole lives never taking stock of their part in things. Who never see what THEY did (or didn't do) that contributed to the demise of a relationship, a friendship, the loss of a job, personal debt, weight gain, sexual dysfunction, parenting mistakes, etc.
Is it really possible to sleep walk through an entire life?
Is it really possible to be so sincerely loved by a partner, but to be so incapable (unwilling) of loving in return? To think it's the OTHER persons fault somehow that things didn't work out? To be so broken inside that you just shut down completely?
I'm asking these questions b/c yesterday someone I knew was found dead after being missing for several days. Apparently, he drove to a town that was significant to he & his wife & then he shot himself. He has children! Things weren't going so great in his personal life & yet he put on a "brave face" to the public, to the people who knew him, never letting on that his intention was to blow his brains out & leave utter devastation behind for his family, his friends, his children.
And I sit here loving someone who never once stood up & fought for me or for our daughter. Someone who gave a few days a month to "raising" her while I spend 24/7, 365 days a year doing it. How am I the "bad" guy when I'm the one doing all the work AND loving him too? I wanted his love, his time (REAL time), his gallantry, his participation, etc. I wanted him to choose US. Or at least choose SOMETHING. Was that so much to ask?
You know what? I used to think it was. But not today. Not in light of my friends death. Suicide is a horrible choice, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've had my own flirtations with that devil of a choice, but today I have a little face looking up at me each morning that says, "I need you Mommy" & I know that I could no more be that selfish than the man on the moon.
But there are other equally "evil" choices IMO. Choosing not to participate in raising the children you bring into this world (spiritually, emotionally, physically & financially) is JUST as harmful & just as cruel. And yet, so many fathers (and some mothers) do it every day. Incrementally, or wholeheartedly. It has the same affect. It hurts, it damages, it stings, it wounds.
Declan deserves better.
And you know what? So do I.
I'm sorry that me standing up for me and for our kid was too much to ask. I'm sorry that living an unexamined life is more comfortable, easier to manage, less complicated or risky. I'm sorry that I wasn't better able to communicate. I'm sorry that I chose to give my heart to someone who couldn't even be honest about the fact that he didn't love us. I'm sorry that I was too often all over the map about what I expected or hoped for. I'm sorry I never gave him the chance to be the man he deserves to be. B/c not letting him take care of us, or suggesting that I didn't NEED him was just as wrong. I'm sorry for a lot of things. How can I fix any of it? How do I stop being a mom to someone who is not my child?
I don't have any answers today. I'm angry that yet another friend chose to kill himself rather than have faith in LIFE & LOVE. I'm angry too that the person I have loved since my daughter was still growing inside of me has chosen not to choose. I'm angry that Declan will probably never get to have the full time, INVESTED & INVOLVED daddy she so deserves.
I swore I'd never be one of those women. Resentful, angry, petty. I'm gonna do my level best to avoid being that kind of woman. But some days, I have to admit... it's kind of hard.
I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to find a way to some peace in my life. Real peace.
I'm walking toward it. I know I'll get there.
And that's a good start.