No Outlet

Writing has always been a big outlet for me. Huge in fact. For decades, I did it in fancy journals, "old school" Comp Books & in college writing courses.

For the past 6+ years I've increasingly done it on "social networking" sites like MySpace, Blogger, FB, Twitter, BrightKite, Plurk, etc.

Some of my friends & family don't understand it. Many comment or criticize what I write. They complain that I'm "always on twitter" or "fiddling around on that damn iPhone". Often they are even hurt & offended by it.

I do take great care not to name any names. I know how the internet works. I've been on it since before Al Gore invented it. I wouldn't want anyone I love or care about being contacted by a random batsh*t crazy person who reads my blog. I've had that happen to me and let me tell ya, it totally sucks!

There is SO much going on in my life right now (really for the past 2 years). Insanely HUGE stuff. The kind of stuff that puts some people in the loony bin. Lately, I feel like I can't write about it in an open & honest way. Worse, I don't have anyone to talk to about it either.

Instead, it sits inside of me; a fuming, steaming, crazy, swirling, MESS. After several days or weeks of that kind of buildup, guess what? Combustion! It seeps out in insidious and plain awful ways. I use sarcasm & meanness to strike back. I avoid. I get flighty. I get lonely. I distract myself w/ food, TV, or Facebook (ha!). I cry in the shower. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm going to pass out or explode into a zillion little pieces. Fragmented.

I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I haven't developed very good "filters" to help me keep my effing mouth shut. I think it's called tact & no, I haven't got much of it. I'm impulsive. I'm emotional. I take things way too personally. I sulk. I get butt-hurt. Yep, I'm all of those things. That either makes me a crazy person or it just makes me a normal GIRL. At 42, I'm still not sure which!

But here's the thing, I don't want to lie or "pretend" either ... I don't want to smile through clenched teeth and say "I'm okay" when people ask "How are you?". B/c while there are indeed many good days, there are some that aren't so great. Grief is a tricky thing. Change is a tricky thing too. Going through either of those alone is just about the worst & most sucky experience I can imagine. And yet, I do it. Every day.

How do I explain honestly about how I'm really doing w/ the death of my parents, the sale of my childhood home, packing up & moving to another state, being a single parent, etc. to people who really don't want to know? How do I find an outlet to express myself creatively, constructively & healthily, where one seemingly no longer exists? How do I keep all this rage, sadness, frustration, etc. from my Real Life reigned in, when I no longer feel I have a safe place to go to shed it?

I don't have any answers. I'm sure I'll get a world of crap for this little rant too.

Life's a bitch. And so am I.

Potty Training - Part Deux

So last year, Dexy started showing an interest in potty training. I got SO excited b/c she wasn't even two yet... Yeah, yeah. I was really naïve.

In any case, her interest ended before it really began. We've spent the last year talking about the potty, reading books about the potty (e.g. "Everybody Poops" & "Once Upon a Potty"), practicing with her "big girl" cotton training underwear on warm days, running around nekkid, etc.

She peed in her potty all of twice, maybe three times max. While I didn't exactly give up, (I knew that eventually she'd get there), I also just sort of let it go. Besides, her pediatrician, my friends w/ older kids, and all the books I was now reading on the subject, said I'd be very optimistic to expect successful potty training before the age of three.

But there's been a real shift in nearly all areas of my life during the past month or so. Potty training is certainly no exception. We also got an offer on my parents house, but more on that later! Dex suddenly started asking me to read her "Poopy" books every night. She wanted to run around the house nekkid as often as possible. She didn't want to be in her diaper after she went poop in it and would ASK me to change her.

Then, on Tuesday evening, we came home & while I was fixing her dinner I decided to let her run around in her cotton training undies. Of course she peed in them. But this time, she was TOTALLY grossed out by it. While I was getting her bath ready, she just sat down on her potty & announced, "I went pee pee Mama!" ... I've heard this a zillion & one times before, but sure enough, this time there was pee in the potty!

Of course, we did the "Pee Pee Dance" ... We sang & took the little pot to the toilet & dumped the contents in. She got to flush ("bye bye pee pee"). There were lots of hugs and kisses. She was SO proud! She eagerly took her bath & chattered about her potty the whole time. When she got out of the tub, she wanted to go potty again. So she did, twice more! The next morning, she wanted to do it right after I took her diaper off. She went three more times before I took her to school. And several more times last night before bedtime. Hooray! Could it be we were on our way?

Hell yeah, I'm striking while this iron is hot mes bébés!

I took a 1/2 dozen cotton undies & several extra pairs of pants, socks, etc. to her pre-school. I told her teacher, "It's time!"... I'm going to get a sticker chart or something special to mark her progress here at home. I moved all her "toileting" supplies from her bedside to the bathroom. I'm jumping into this potty training adventure w/ enthusiasm. A life free of diaper bags, diapers & diaper wipes is coming. Frankly, I can't wait!

Ok all you Moms & Dads out there in parenting land ... I have so many questions for you! Please leave comments on how YOU potty trained your little ones, especially your daughters.

Did you use stickers? M&M's? Praise only? When did you switch from the potty chair to an adult sized toilet? Did you use diapers or pull-ups at night? For how long? What did you do w/ episodes of regression? How did you handle long car rides or traveling by plane? How did you keep their beds & car seats dry? Anything else you think this novice mama should know?

I need your opinions, suggestions & most of all your sage parental wisdom! I'm new at this, remember?

The Answer My Friend...

Forty-Two Candles

"Donger's here for five hours and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease." - Samantha Baker, Sixteen Candles

Just Set The Cake on Fire

It's almost that time again. I say, just go ahead and stick the whole stinkin' box of candles into the cake & light that sucker on fire. We can roast marshmallows. It'll be a hoot.

Now then, where did I put my liquor drink? It was just here a minute ago. Hmmmmm...