Some Fantastic

This is one of my most fave BNL songs.

"One day, I will find the secret to your social chemistry..."

Easy Like Sunday Afternoons...

It's quite a lovely day. Maybe 82 degrees, very pleasant. I've been up since 4am but I don't really mind. Well, that's not exactly true but I'm not letting it get to me either. I've had a shower so I'm squeaky clean & relaxed - by Cheryl Standards anyway. Baby girl is napping right now, but I'm going to go wake her in a few minutes b/c we're off to my best friends house for a BBQ soon. She throws AWESOME parties btw. I want to learn how to DO that, some day, when my house has furniture again. She swears entertaining is a skill I can learn. I'm not convinced, but I have hope that she will prove correct b/c I've been chucking all my parents stuff that I don't want & replacing slowly with things I do, all in anticipation of having real live people in this house on a regular basis; for coffee, drinks, dinner, swim parties... whatever. I'm just so ready to be the kind of mom that does that kind of thing b/c MY mom was that kind of mom. Went to my youngest niece's birthday party yesterday. I actually had a REALLY good time. Declan did too I think. Got to hang out at Jacki & Bob's house for a while last night too, just sat outside w/ our feet in the salt-water pool watching Dex throw the ball to Liebe the dog (she calls her Beeba). That house used to be mine, but it doesn't feel "weird" to be there anymore. Whew! I'm so glad...

All in all, a very enjoyable weekend. And it's only 2pm on Sunday. Nice!

Some days are just like that.

What a strange day. I've been feeling overwhelmed w/ loneliness & no particular cause to point to. I received 3 very emotional phone calls from friends who were having a rotten day and probably, in all honestly, feeling a LOT worse than me given their personal situations. But the emptiness remained settled into the pit of my stomach just the same.

I spend WAY too much time alone. That's MY bad, I know. But it's also just what it is right now. Sometimes I do want to be w/ people, but most of the time, not so much. That said, I can't hug & kiss Dexy enough when I pick her up in the afternoon from school. Is it wrong to get the love you crave & need from your kid when you can't get it from the grown-ups around you? Should I just bite the bullet & get out there again? I'm terrified. Where do I start? How do I let someone new in when someone else is still occupying a huge piece of real estate in my heart? Oh. My. G-d. How in the hell do I even just go out for freakin' coffee w/ other ADULTS when I have a little girl at home? How do I integrate "strangers" into my life, let alone hers?

F**k if I know. I'm just trying to get through my days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just biding my time until ... until what? Until I'm 75 and life is finally coming to it's natural conclusion? Is that really what I want to do for the next 30 some odd years? Just pass the time, always in a hurry to get to the next day b/c this one isn't feeling so great? Do I really want to keep asking WHY it turned out this way, or WHAT the other person is doing? It certainly doesn't serve me (or my kid) to do so. There is no good answer gonna come out of that kind of thinking, I know that from past experience. Maybe I am just burying my head in the sand, avoiding the inevitable, not giving in to the Truth b/c mostly I don't want to feel any worse than I already do.

I'm not complaining btw (hahaha). I'm just wonderin'...

Anyway, it's late. I should have been in bed an hour+ ago. Tomorrow's another day. There are places to go, people to see, diapers to buy, babies to cuddle. My niece's 1st birthday party is in the morning. Sunday is a big BBQ at my best friends house. When everything is said and done, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Just staying busy. If I do that long enough, eventually all this other shit will just fall away. I just gotta get to the other side. Any suggestions for how I might actually do that would be appreciated (from all the imaginary people that read this blog right? *snort*).

G'night all. Here's hoping I sleep. That wouldn't suck.

Forty Days & Nights

First let me just say that I have some amazing women (& men) in my life... Thank G-d, b/c without them I'd never get through the rough days. I just wouldn't!

So, what's this Forty Days & Nights thing? Well, it's a new Mental Diet that some of my gal pals & I are going on for the next 6+ weeks. It's a diet in which we will make a conscious effort to connect with our Highest Self & abstain from the very unhealthy habits of Complaining, Criticism, Condemnation and Comparison (heretofore called the Four C's).

Between the two of us, my BFF & I have done 3 or 4 weekly prayer &/or Laws of Attraction group work; primarily w/ groups of women. They've been different but VERY powerful experience each & every time. Without going into great detail about how they've worked in the past, I'll just say that we were both feeling pretty eager to start up another group.

Right around the same time, a Weekly Spiritual Practice from Rev. Kathianne Lewis (Seattle Center for Spiritual Living) dropped right smack dab into my email In-Box. Divine Timing as always! So we've decided to incorporate it into our group this time, which btw, started up last night & will continue through the end of July.

Here are the basic rules: We will have a start date (June 26) and an end date (Aug 5) to stay as conscious as we can about not indulging in the Four C's. When they do creep in (and of course they will, we're human after all!), we will STOP, FORGIVE ourselves (and apologize where necessary), and then MOVE ON.

The less we engage in these energy bursts (or Chaos Creators as I like to call them), the more joy, freedom, and good energy we will have in our daily lives. The more present & in the moment we will be.

I don't think this is going to be an easy task by any stretch... but I do think it's a wonderful extension of what I've already been doing the past couple of weeks. I've been practicing making only "I am" and "I want" statements. When I speak at all, especially with regard to sharing how I feel w/ someone I love or care about, I make damn sure that I only make Truth Statements. If a statement or comment isn't TRUE, if it isn't KIND, if it isn't USEFUL, I choose to shut my mouth & sit on it. At least until the right words (words of integrity) are dancing happily in my mouth. G-d inspired words, not Ego inspired garbage. Most of the time, if I just get really quiet & still, I realize that it probably doesn't need to be said at all.

Feeling compelled to tell someone what they've done to hurt me or what they do that is "annoying" serves no purpose other than to wound them, or to make me feel "right" and them "wrong". I don't need to focus on anyone else's truth (or my perception of their truth). I need only focus on my truth.

Taking what others say/do personally is what my Ego desires, not what my Higher Self wants/needs (see Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" for more detailed info on not taking things personally).

I also choose not to have an opinion about what anyone thinks of me, or what anyone else is doing, saying, etc. on their own life journey. It ain't my business! This includes personal friends & family, as well as George W. Bush or The World at Large (e.g. micro vs. macro).

Okay, moving on!

The final component of our group is that next week we are going to place a personal request into a G-d Box, something that we want to manifest into our lives at the end of this 40-Day experiment. I haven't decided yet what mine will be... but I still have a week to decide. LOL.

What would YOURS be?

I got nothing today...

After another night of bad dreams (the kind that you wake up drenched in sweat from - yeah, I get those at least 3-4 times per week), this has just one of those days where I can't seem to find my bearings. I got nothing. Zilch. Nada. I'm just plain empty.

I can see the road stretching out ahead, but I have no idea where it's leading. I'm the kind of person that wants(NEEDS) to know where I'm going & how I'm gonna get there. But for whatever reason, the only answers I've been getting lately are to BE STILL, STOP RUNNING, LIVE YOUR LIFE (it's already here, right NOW).

Uh, okay. If you say so.

Meanwhile, I read the following quote on a twitter pals blog (@msh2006) & I really liked it. Given my dark cloudy mood today it also feels like really appropriate advice...

"Have fun! Enjoy life. Accept Change and allow change to be a positive force in your life. And also be willing to change away from the negative forces that “cloud” your life. Those clouds will come and go. Just like the clouds in the sky. They never stick around forever. So try to focus on the fact that the cloud is temporary, and merely offering shade from the summer heat, or rain for the flowers to grow. Clouds are necessary, but not permanent. Don’t focus on them."

I don't want to be lonely anymore. But on the days when intense loneliness does creep in, I can at least choose to think of it as merely a temporary cloud bank passing over... providing respite & shade or simply a much needed rain.

The End.

Burn After Reading - Coen Brothers

OMG, I want to see this movie so bad I think I'm going to pee my pants!!

R.I.P. George

Another of our greatest comedians of ALL time has passed away and far too soon IMO.

George Carlin died earlier this evening in LA of heart failure. He was 71. What the hell? I know he had a weak heart, dude had like 4 or 5 heart attacks over the last 30 years... but NOW? Damn, that just ain't fair. We need his biting humor, satire & quick wit now more than ever.

I can remember almost all of his bits from the 70's and 80's, that's how much he influenced comedy for MY generation. Carlin was the sh*t man. The whole "7 Words You Can Never Say on Television" and "A Place for My Stuff" routines? Or "How Much is that Dog Crap in the Window?" Hi-larious, cutting and f**king SMART as hell. Oh & don't forget "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"... A dumb movie, but Carlin was "Awesome!" as Rufus. Don't care what y'all say, that holds a special place in my black little 80's heart man. It just does.

So long George! You will be missed. :-(

Construction Under

Ack... the more I blog, the more blogs I read. And the more blogs I read(see), the less I like the way MINE looks. Using a blogger template is great for the Average Joan, but the Creative & Very Particular Side of Cheryl wants something far more spectacular, interesting and unique to look at. What can I say? If it can't be perfect, it just won't do!

Yes, I need to work on that ever growing pile of clutter in the garage & the pre-existing clutter in the cupboards. Yes, I should be thinking of some ways I can get this extra 75 pounds of weight off my 5'8" frame. Yeah, I need to practice cooking healthy Toddler Friendly meals. Finding something to do (even part time) that would bring me some income again wouldn't be a bad idea either (given how much money is flying OUT the door). Oh, and on top of all that... I need to buckle down in my therapy progress, focus harder on the "important things", brush my teeth, remind my toddler to brush hers too, visit my elderly father, clean the bathrooms from floor to ceiling w/ bleach, shop for a new bookcase & hall tree, detail my filthy car, fold the laundry, frame & hang art that is propped up against the walls, put Declan's toys away, stop missing Declan's daddy so damn much, fill the pool w/ more water, buy groceries, etc.

I've always had a Busy Brain and that's certainly gotten much worse since having a child b/c now it's coupled with Mommy Brain. I have these running lists of things I need to do, want to do, should do... but I can rarely focus on any ONE thing b/c my mind is always racing on to twelve other things that I think require my attention. Guess what that means folks? It means I'm not right here, in the here and now.

I really hate it when I have these moments of clarity about how UN-present I am. Just sayin'.

So... I'm going to call my doctor for reals this time. I want to get my hormones checked, my depression checked, my thyroid levels checked to make sure my levels aren't as out of whack as I already think they are. Guess I have one more thing to add to my HUGE laundry list above right?

See? I've already digressed. I still really want to change the way this blog looks. I know what features I want it to have (features I've seen on other blogs that really work for me). And I know what colors, photos, etc. I'd like to incorporate to make it more "me". Now, all I need is an ounce of spare time to squeeze in some redesigning efforts.

That's all folks. Stay cool out there, it's gonna be a righteous scorcher in SoCal today!

Overwhelmed!

Getting this house cleaned up (and cleaned out) seems like such a monumental task. My mother threw NOTHING away. Somehow I keep getting "stuck" with the job of getting rid of all this stuff - the donation piles, the junk/trash piles, the keep piles. I feel like one of those sicko families on Oprah; a perfect candidate for a "Hoarding Family Gone Awry" segment. Ugh. Did I mention that my mom threw away nothing? Ever?

I have decided to stay in this house. This is a relief, to know that I don't have to move away from CA now. Maybe someday. But not now.

But to truly nest so this feels like my home? That means I need to get rid of all the stuff that is taking up space I could otherwise use more efficiently. The garage is stuffed to the brim again with things I've moved out of the house as well as some things from my old place that never got unpacked. The cupboards are jammed w/ china sets and tablecloths, old papers & photographs, cloths, etc. that we never managed to get rid of the FIRST time we cleaned out the house (when my mom died). Where does it come from? How is there still MORE of it when we already filled two huge construction dumpsters w/ trash last year?

I just want to feel like I have a real home again. It's been over a year since I moved back into the house I grew up in. But honestly, I've never really moved in! It's time to move in folks.

It feels insurmountable sometimes. No wonder my mom never wanted to tackle it. After a while, it's just too much. You don't know where to start. Meanwhile, my own crap accumulates into little stacks & piles (I tend to keep paper, magazines, catalogs & receipts). I want to toss it all, but what if I need it later (especially receipts, or drawings my daughter made)? Stupid, I know. But that's what stops me. I imagine that's what stopped mom too.

Anyway, I'm working on the mountain today b/c I have a new couch & new carpet coming. It needs to get done. One room & one item at a time I will make this house a home!

Help?!

Oh yeah and I'm hungry. Anyone want to make me some lunch?

Oh death...

I just found out that my friend Pete's little brother Vincent has died. He was 24. Are you freakin' kidding me?! He was a BABY! How does this happen? How does his family pick up the pieces? G-d, all I can think of is his mom... How do you get over that kind of loss? You NEVER want to outlive your child. No way, no how.

And what the hell, it seems like lately all the people I know & love are being touched by death in some way. It breaks my heart that they are going through this. And b/c of my own personal and recent experience of losing my mom, I know how much it sucks for them & will continue to suck. Not to mention all the stupid shit people will say to them about how their loved one is finally "at peace" or in a "better place" or "with G-d"... How the hell do they know that? And doesn't a comment like that ultimately diminish & discount the LIFE that person had? Who are we to say that it's better where they are now?

Personally, I think it was better when they were here with us. Living their life, whatever life it may have been, loving, laughing, crying, BREATHING and BEING.

Yeah, I believe in G-d. And yeah, I know in my bones that my mom is indeed finally at peace, healthy, with her memory fully restored, and yeah, I feel her presence with me & around me every single day. But damn, I so did NOT want to hear any of that when she first died. I'm sorry, but I didn't. And I know people are at a loss of what to say when someone dies & they see us hurting, so they want to make it better. But I'd rather they'd just said, "Wow. That sucks! Is there anything I can do?" b/c it would have been more helpful to me at the time.

So to my dearest friend Pete (and for Amy, Sheree, Margie, Tran, etc. too)... I love you. Let me know if there is there anything I can do. Right now, in this moment, I am sending love, hugs and healing light your way. By the truck load. Hold on to your family & friends with a fierce intent, they are the ones that will help you get through this. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Cheryl ~

This house... 'nuff said

I am allowing myself these last few moments of a cool, clear Sunday evening to cry. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning. A reprieve from the rigors of the day prior. That's the best I can do b/c frankly, what is the alternative?

I have NO idea what anything will look like in an hour, let alone for the rest of my life. I can't make anymore declarative statements about what my life was like BEFORE this moment nor can I make any sweeping comments about what my life will be from this moment forward.

I would also like to tell the truth. Not what I've always believed the truth to be -- You know what I'm talking about right? That stuff I tell myself inside my head. The "crazy" conversations I have with my Ego-Self, as it whispers with contemptuous malice, lie upon lie into my receptive ears. Filling me up to the brim with fear, self-doubt, irrational worry or reaction, jealousy, resentment, cynicism, etc.

What I am seeking in this quiet & perfect moment is the real deal kinda Truth. A G-d Truth, the stuff that is born from Love, Trust, Kindness, Respect, Admiration, Hope, etc. An aspiration to reach, on a daily basis, a connection to my Highest Self.

I want a different life, so I need to tell a different story.

What's the truth right now, in this moment?

I made a mistake.
I want to be forgiven but more importantly, I need to forgive myself.
I'm hurting.
I really want a hug.
I miss the man I love.
I'm often arrogant.
I am not always a very kind person.
I'm not a BAD person.
I am terrified.
I'm angry.
I feel abandoned.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I feel things deeply & close to the bone.
I tend to overreact.
I take things personally.
I am capable.
I am smart.
I have good friends & they love me.
I love my friends.
I love my daughter.
I love me too, even though I say I don't.
I expect the best.
I have tremendous hope & faith.
I believe that all things are possible b/c I trust the depth of my ability to love.

That's it for today. Good night. The End.

Fathers, Daughters & Birthdays

Happy Birthday to my darlin' girl who turned two today.

Happy Father's Day to her daddy and to my dad as well.

Nothing more precious than watching a man w/ his kids. Really, it pretty much rocks.

The end.

Lazy Me!

I've been getting very lazy w/ my blog, posting videos & lyrics, or woe-is-me posts w/ complete abandon. But sometimes, that's the best I can do folks. You may not realize this, but blogging takes TIME and THOUGHT, or at least decent blogging does. Not that this blog comes close to even being decent. *snort*

Anyway, I do have a series of things I've been wanting to blog about. I've even been keeping a list on my iPhone (yes, I have an iPhone. Jealous much? Heh.) so when an idea strikes me I can actually REMEMBER it an hour later. I have a chronic case of Mommy Brain, what can I say? Stay tuned, I will be writing about them in the days/weeks ahead.

Meanwhile, you will just have to be placated w/ this little factoid... I'm feeling a little better & I'm taking the necessary steps to feel substantially more than "just a little" better.

The end. For now.

I love you Frank Warren.

PostSecret is one of the most moving & phenomenal places on the internets, at least as far as I'm concerned anyway. This is a nifty video, enjoy it peeps.

What Made Milwaukee Famous

These guys were on KCRW's Morning Becomes Eclectic the other day & they are my new favorite band. So of course, I wanted to share them with YOU, my 2 or 3 readers. *snort*

Thanks Nic Harcourt for turning me on to yet another awesome group - further proof that there IS good music out there, it's just not on "commercial radio". The end.

Being with people is DUMB

Lately, I've been feeling VERY anti-social. And the more isolated I make myself by avoiding situations that would require me to be social, the more I want to isolate. And so on, and so on.

That is all I want to say.

*crawling back under my rock now*

>>Web Traffic School<< is DUMB

No offense to slow(er) readers everywhere... but seriously?!

Okay. Let me explain myself before you think I'm judging. I have enrolled in an on-line traffic school so that I can get a speeding ticket expunged from my CA driving record. The course lasts for 8 hours, I have 29 days to complete it and apparently each page has a specific time allotment for reading the content on that page before it will allow you to move to the next page.

Average time allotment for each page?

EIGHT MINUTES!!

@tweetjeebus, are you kidding me?

If there are people who NEED that length of time to read the content, by all means, give it to them. But if you are a speed demon reader like me, my G-d why would you make me sit here and wait for "permission" to move on to the next step in the course?

I swear, I feel like I've just re-entered high school.

Oh, and as a side note... why did I have to pay the LA County Superior Court extra for the privilege of having traffic school as an option, to then ALSO have to pay the traffic school? What the hell is that about?

Another lovely Scam in America.
Nice.

Okay, I think it took about 8 minutes to write up this post. Going back to Page 3 of On-Line Traffic School now, maybe it'll let me move on to Page 4.

Hooray!

21 Days

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.

But they forgot to tell me that I would just pick up a few new ones while trying to "get over" the old one(s). It's been a year of breaking habits. Of letting go of things that are poisonous &/or draining to my Emotional and Physical well-being. But I'm f**king exhausted from it. I am. And yeah, despite taking the steps to break free from those habits, there is still an emotional connection to them that in MANY ways is far, far worse than having been in the midst of the habit in the first place.

I'm in serious self-destruction mode.

Intellectually, I don't like that I go to these low levels & want(need) to surround myself with people, places, things that inspire me, encourage me, lift me UP.

Intellectually, I know I need to change my thinking & do something different so that things can GET different.

Intellectually, I know that self-love and self-respect MUST come first before I can expect others to return the favor.

But today, I just want to give up.

I don't want to do any of it anymore. And the ONE thing that stops me from quitting was sent to me for that very reason alone b/c G-d, my mom, my grandmother, the Universe, etc. knew she was the ONLY thing that would stop me from quitting. B/c in my heart of hearts, I know and understand that if it wasn't for her, my presence here (or lack thereof) wouldn't f**king matter, not even a little. Call it a distortion of the truth, but it's MY truth.

I'd like to thank them for sending her to me, my little Life Saver .... just as soon as I wake up from that long nap.

The end.

Hello June Gloom.

I made an agreement w/ a friend this morning that, for today, I'm not going to hurt myself.

Since I don't break promises, I guess I'll go to sleep instead.

Or go get inked...
Or both.

The end.