Quiet Please!

Dudes, sometimes I just want need it to be QUIET!

For me, one of the hardest things about being a single parent is how noisy it can be.

Now I know what y'all will say, that ALL kids are noisy and ALL parents want peace/quiet, so what does being a single parent have to do with anything? But you're just going to have to trust me on this one, it's totally worse for those of us doing this parenting thing solo. Or at least it is for this single mama.

Whenever I really need some down time, or I'm trying to have a phone conversation, work in my office, plan dinner, or ponder the 568 other Mom Stuff related items in my head, that's precisely the moment when my kid needs to be right on top of me.

Frankly, it's already pretty noisy in my head even without all the Mom Stuff. And sometimes I just need it to stop. And when it doesn't stop, my temper flares, and then my temperature rises, and then I get so angry I want to scream. And more often than not, I do end up screaming.

Which isn't right and it isn't fair, because let's face it, a four year old just doesn't get the concept of Mommy-Really-Needs-a-Break-Right-Now-Or-Else-She's-Gonna-Lose-What's-Left-of-Her-Freakin'-Mind. 

I know she just wants my attention - and she wants it now. I get that. The Good Mommy in me really wants to give it to her too, but that mommy is trapped inside my very loud and chaotic brain and that mommy's voice of reason can't possibly be heard above all that bloody racket, so then the Mean Mommy wins and the screaming party begins.

The obvious response of course is to walk away from the noisy situation before it escalates to the point of screaming, counting to three, consequences, threats, "time outs", crying, etc. (which hello? just creates more noise!), but 90% of the time I can't walk away because I'm here by myself (i.e. there's no one to hand her off to so I can go calm the eff down).

I have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. No way to get away from the questions or the requests for food, bathroom assistance, books, TV, toys, tea parties, boo-boo fixes and kisses, etc. No way to get away, if even only for a moment, from this sweet, beautiful and most perfect little creature who is following me all over the house.

And I know that sounds awful and harsh. It probably makes me a monster. But if I don't find a quiet place, and soon, my head might actually explode & fly off into outer space, never to be seen again.

I swear to gawd officer, that crazy woman's head just POPPED right off her neck and exploded into a zillion teeny pieces! Look, there's what's left of her in that bloody gurgling pool of ooze on the sidewalk. See? Ewwwwwww!

And then where would my kid be?

Orphaned. Duh.

So, please pass me the duct tape. It's quiet time.

Weekend Dread? You Effing Bet!

So Heather Armstrong (of Dooce.com) had a post the other day called Figuring it Out and she was asking if there is anyone out there that "dreads the weekends"... but since I'm not a member of her Community, I can't comment on her blog. So, I get to share my thoughts w/ you here instead.

The answer from me is an emphatic "YES! I DREAD WEEKENDS!"

Since becoming a mom anyway.

I know what those of you who are parents that have HELP (husbands, boyfriends, friends, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, nannies, etc.) will say...

You'll say "Oh no Cher, I totally look forward to my weekends! For us, it's all about family, unwinding, and being together time. It's about not having to be at the office. And not having to be without my darling babies. Or .... [insert fluffy cloud thought here] "

And so of course, you'll probably judge me b/c I send my kid off to preschool so that I can work from home. Or b/c I relish my alone time. And my oh-so-quiet, oh-so-sparkling-clean house. Or my "nobody to take care of but me" blissdom.

Or maybe you won't. I don't want to assume you're all a bunch of judgmental ninnies like me.

I certainly judge myself. At least a little. Okay, a lot.

I feel like I should want to be w/ my kid non-stop. Because let's face it, they do grow up so fast right? And I should be so thankful that I haven't had to go to a 40+ hour a week job for "The Man" 5 days a week for over a year now. And how awesome is it that I get to take her to preschool, or snuggle w/ her, or make her meals, and play with her in the park, or w/ her tea set, etc. when her dad, who lives in another state doesn't get to do any of that stuff.

But here's the truth, I wish he was here to do some of this stuff. For that matter, I wish Dexy had family of any kind that were willing and able to do some of this stuff. Because to be honest w/ you, I'm sick to death of being the only one who gets up and does this day in and day out. With no help, other than the help I pay. And I pay dearly y'all. Daycare wasn't cheap. Preschool ain't cheap. Grade school, and all the after school programs I'm going to need when school is out for summer or holiday breaks, ain't gonna be cheap. Babysitters sure as h*ll ain't cheap. If I want to see a movie, or have a night out w/ friends, or just not be a mommy for a few blessed hours, I have to leave my house and pay someone. Period.

And I feel like the whole stinkin' world doesn't really "get" that. Which kinda sucks. Because it makes me feel even more alone & isolated & misunderstood.

And I'm sorry, that's where my being a Single Mother (w/o an ex-husband to leave my kids with every other weekend or a few nights a week, or a current husband to hand the kid off to once and awhile so I can take a shower or take a walk, etc., or family who are still alive and actually interested in being in Dexy's life in a meaningful and permanent way) is very, very different.

Yes, I know. I know. Some of you will say your hubbies don't actually do any of that sh*t either, so you feel just as alone as I do. And besides, I didn't have to do this alone. I could have aborted my child. Or adopted her out to some nice rich white couple who would have paid handsomely for my perfect white baby. Or moved to Las Vegas where her daddy lives.

But apparently, I'm selfish. I wanted to have the life of my dreams in Seattle AND a beautiful little girl AND a wonderful loving committed equitable give/take relationship w/ her daddy.

So yep, I'm kinda bitter. Often I'm downright pissed off. And when I think about having to do this single mommy thing w/o help (financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally) for the rest of my life? It fills me with so much dread that I want to shoot myself in both feet, or run away to Alaska to become one of Sarah Palin's disciples (just kidding!), or put Dexy on a plane to Russia (I kid, I kid).

Instead, I just pray for Mondays to come (and for the weekend to end) ... b/c that's when I'll get a little break. And that's when hopefully, by the time 5pm rolls around and I have to trek down my lovely tree-lined West Seattle street to pick my sweet little girl up from her preschool, I'm rejuvenated enough to enjoy my evening with her, to soak every bit of her up, and relish in her every little cuteness.

And she is really cute y'all. I get that. I do.

I'm not so ungrateful to spit in G-d's face for the blessing he's given me. Dexy saved my life in a million ways. She continues to do so. Whenever I find myself really missing my mom or my dad, or the family I wish I had, I need only look at my baby girl and see that I don't have it so bad. Not really.

So the question is, how do I rid myself of all this rage and all the feelings of utter discouragement when it washes over me like a ginormous Tsunami? How do I cope w/ the possibility that I will in fact have to do this alone for the duration? How do I find peace, love, joy, happiness... in the little things so I can get through the big things?

I really wanna know.

Some days are just like that.

What a strange day. I've been feeling overwhelmed w/ loneliness & no particular cause to point to. I received 3 very emotional phone calls from friends who were having a rotten day and probably, in all honestly, feeling a LOT worse than me given their personal situations. But the emptiness remained settled into the pit of my stomach just the same.

I spend WAY too much time alone. That's MY bad, I know. But it's also just what it is right now. Sometimes I do want to be w/ people, but most of the time, not so much. That said, I can't hug & kiss Dexy enough when I pick her up in the afternoon from school. Is it wrong to get the love you crave & need from your kid when you can't get it from the grown-ups around you? Should I just bite the bullet & get out there again? I'm terrified. Where do I start? How do I let someone new in when someone else is still occupying a huge piece of real estate in my heart? Oh. My. G-d. How in the hell do I even just go out for freakin' coffee w/ other ADULTS when I have a little girl at home? How do I integrate "strangers" into my life, let alone hers?

F**k if I know. I'm just trying to get through my days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just biding my time until ... until what? Until I'm 75 and life is finally coming to it's natural conclusion? Is that really what I want to do for the next 30 some odd years? Just pass the time, always in a hurry to get to the next day b/c this one isn't feeling so great? Do I really want to keep asking WHY it turned out this way, or WHAT the other person is doing? It certainly doesn't serve me (or my kid) to do so. There is no good answer gonna come out of that kind of thinking, I know that from past experience. Maybe I am just burying my head in the sand, avoiding the inevitable, not giving in to the Truth b/c mostly I don't want to feel any worse than I already do.

I'm not complaining btw (hahaha). I'm just wonderin'...

Anyway, it's late. I should have been in bed an hour+ ago. Tomorrow's another day. There are places to go, people to see, diapers to buy, babies to cuddle. My niece's 1st birthday party is in the morning. Sunday is a big BBQ at my best friends house. When everything is said and done, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Just staying busy. If I do that long enough, eventually all this other shit will just fall away. I just gotta get to the other side. Any suggestions for how I might actually do that would be appreciated (from all the imaginary people that read this blog right? *snort*).

G'night all. Here's hoping I sleep. That wouldn't suck.