Friday, June 27, 2008

Some days are just like that.

What a strange day. I've been feeling overwhelmed w/ loneliness & no particular cause to point to. I received 3 very emotional phone calls from friends who were having a rotten day and probably, in all honestly, feeling a LOT worse than me given their personal situations. But the emptiness remained settled into the pit of my stomach just the same.

I spend WAY too much time alone. That's MY bad, I know. But it's also just what it is right now. Sometimes I do want to be w/ people, but most of the time, not so much. That said, I can't hug & kiss Dexy enough when I pick her up in the afternoon from school. Is it wrong to get the love you crave & need from your kid when you can't get it from the grown-ups around you? Should I just bite the bullet & get out there again? I'm terrified. Where do I start? How do I let someone new in when someone else is still occupying a huge piece of real estate in my heart? Oh. My. G-d. How in the hell do I even just go out for freakin' coffee w/ other ADULTS when I have a little girl at home? How do I integrate "strangers" into my life, let alone hers?

F**k if I know. I'm just trying to get through my days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just biding my time until ... until what? Until I'm 75 and life is finally coming to it's natural conclusion? Is that really what I want to do for the next 30 some odd years? Just pass the time, always in a hurry to get to the next day b/c this one isn't feeling so great? Do I really want to keep asking WHY it turned out this way, or WHAT the other person is doing? It certainly doesn't serve me (or my kid) to do so. There is no good answer gonna come out of that kind of thinking, I know that from past experience. Maybe I am just burying my head in the sand, avoiding the inevitable, not giving in to the Truth b/c mostly I don't want to feel any worse than I already do.

I'm not complaining btw (hahaha). I'm just wonderin'...

Anyway, it's late. I should have been in bed an hour+ ago. Tomorrow's another day. There are places to go, people to see, diapers to buy, babies to cuddle. My niece's 1st birthday party is in the morning. Sunday is a big BBQ at my best friends house. When everything is said and done, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Just staying busy. If I do that long enough, eventually all this other shit will just fall away. I just gotta get to the other side. Any suggestions for how I might actually do that would be appreciated (from all the imaginary people that read this blog right? *snort*).

G'night all. Here's hoping I sleep. That wouldn't suck.


liv said...

ooof, babe. i've had many days like that. and at 1:51 AM, my time, i should well be in bed, too. all i can say is what you've heard before---that it gets better, that slowly strangers are not strangers in your child's life, that life is ripe for the picking even on days when you feel weary, that the sisterhood will hang on to you.


Smiling, Beguiling said...

To Liv, MUWAH!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the thing we tell ourselves we don't know how to do or where to start or are scared of is the thing we absolutely need to do. I heart you.

Smiling, Beguiling said...

To Liv, MUWAH!