Sunday, June 15, 2008
This house... 'nuff said
I am allowing myself these last few moments of a cool, clear Sunday evening to cry. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning. A reprieve from the rigors of the day prior. That's the best I can do b/c frankly, what is the alternative?
I have NO idea what anything will look like in an hour, let alone for the rest of my life. I can't make anymore declarative statements about what my life was like BEFORE this moment nor can I make any sweeping comments about what my life will be from this moment forward.
I would also like to tell the truth. Not what I've always believed the truth to be -- You know what I'm talking about right? That stuff I tell myself inside my head. The "crazy" conversations I have with my Ego-Self, as it whispers with contemptuous malice, lie upon lie into my receptive ears. Filling me up to the brim with fear, self-doubt, irrational worry or reaction, jealousy, resentment, cynicism, etc.
What I am seeking in this quiet & perfect moment is the real deal kinda Truth. A G-d Truth, the stuff that is born from Love, Trust, Kindness, Respect, Admiration, Hope, etc. An aspiration to reach, on a daily basis, a connection to my Highest Self.
I want a different life, so I need to tell a different story.
What's the truth right now, in this moment?
I made a mistake.
I want to be forgiven but more importantly, I need to forgive myself.
I really want a hug.
I miss the man I love.
I'm often arrogant.
I am not always a very kind person.
I'm not a BAD person.
I am terrified.
I feel abandoned.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I feel things deeply & close to the bone.
I tend to overreact.
I take things personally.
I am capable.
I am smart.
I have good friends & they love me.
I love my friends.
I love my daughter.
I love me too, even though I say I don't.
I expect the best.
I have tremendous hope & faith.
I believe that all things are possible b/c I trust the depth of my ability to love.
That's it for today. Good night. The End.