They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.
But they forgot to tell me that I would just pick up a few new ones while trying to "get over" the old one(s). It's been a year of breaking habits. Of letting go of things that are poisonous &/or draining to my Emotional and Physical well-being. But I'm f**king exhausted from it. I am. And yeah, despite taking the steps to break free from those habits, there is still an emotional connection to them that in MANY ways is far, far worse than having been in the midst of the habit in the first place.
I'm in serious self-destruction mode.
Intellectually, I don't like that I go to these low levels & want(need) to surround myself with people, places, things that inspire me, encourage me, lift me UP.
Intellectually, I know I need to change my thinking & do something different so that things can GET different.
Intellectually, I know that self-love and self-respect MUST come first before I can expect others to return the favor.
But today, I just want to give up.
I don't want to do any of it anymore. And the ONE thing that stops me from quitting was sent to me for that very reason alone b/c G-d, my mom, my grandmother, the Universe, etc. knew she was the ONLY thing that would stop me from quitting. B/c in my heart of hearts, I know and understand that if it wasn't for her, my presence here (or lack thereof) wouldn't f**king matter, not even a little. Call it a distortion of the truth, but it's MY truth.
I'd like to thank them for sending her to me, my little Life Saver .... just as soon as I wake up from that long nap.