Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test.

Changes - David Bowie

It's been five (5!) years this month since Dexy's daddy and I, you know, like, made her. Five years of ups and downs as a couple (five years of ups and downs as a woman for that matter). But *GASP!* at the end of this month, we'll not only be living in the same city/state for the first time ever, but in the same house.

Wow.

There are myriad reasons why this is a big damn deal. Some of which are... how will this pan out for a 43+ year old broad like me, who has never actually lived with a man (other than college roommates) and how will this pan out for our daughter? He's been married before. I've never even been proposed to. How do I share this home I've spent the last 2 years creating alone, in a city I really love, but that he's not necessarily 100% sold on? How will our work schedules mesh? How will we navigate co-parenting? How will we move in rhythm with each other, on a day-to-day basis, when we've gotten used to seeing each other for only 2-3 days once a month?

One of the biggest questions though is... how will I now define myself? 

Despite my being with J for most of these past five years, we've never actually lived in the same city/state, so I've always identified myself as a single mom. There are myriad reasons for that too, but I'm not going to discuss them here.

In any case, the reality of it was, for me, that I was doing the parenting thing by myself. I didn't have any help from family members (my parents were dead before Dexy was two) and very little help from friends. I've been solely responsible for her daily care; housing, school tuition, clothes, food, diapers, toys, books, bathing, soothing, entertainment, travel, love, discipline, etc.

By saying that, in no way do I mean to diminish J's role as a dad. He's been absolutely great with her. And they cuckoo crazy LOVE each other, which is awesome. The bigger issue here is me. I've not always been the best at letting him just be himself. I've often been judgmental, resentful, petty, a nag, and even a downright bitch. Why? Because I felt entitled to it. Because I felt like I was doing all the hard work, while he got to be the awesome, cool, lovable, visiting dad.

But all that's about to change. I don't get to be the long suffering single mom anymore. I get to be one half of a parenting partnership. And one half of a committed relationship. In the same state. Same town. Same house.

I'm scared to death. But I'm excited too. Because, what if this is going to actually turn out great? What if the OLD definition was only an illusion, and this NEW and EVOLVING definition is the truth? What if this will be an amazing next chapter in ALL our lives? What if this is just the beginning of a life I've always wanted? What if I have the choice, starting right now, to just be happy?

That wouldn't be so bad, right?

Nope. It sure wouldn't.

SoCal to the NW

Photo by Asahel Curtis, c. 1923

It's official. Mom & Dads house is in escrow. We close in less than 30 days (approx Apr 1), and since my house in Seattle won't be done in time, we're going to have to rent, or squat, or something for at least a month - maybe two.

Wow wow wubzy! We're really leaving CA and we're really moving to the Pacific NW. I've only been waiting about a decade for this moment to happen, and now it's finally here. WTF?

• Yes, I'm actually kinda scared. What if I'm making a mistake? What if I fail?
  
• I'm also kinda freaking out about how I'll manage to get everything packed up & ready for our move in less than 4 weeks.
• I have NO idea where all our stuff will reside while we're "homeless"... Storage unit? Pod unit? Garage rental? Halp!
  
• I have a MILLION things to do before we go... doctors, lawyers, Goodwill donations, tearful goodbyes, bank accounts, address change notices, etc.
• Holy crap! Speaking of tearful goodbyes... I'm going to miss my friends & family SO much!

But dudes? Seriously. I'm also really excited.

V-Day

You know... the cynical part of me has really disliked this holiday. It seemed contrived and utterly lonely, especially for those who are "unwanted, unloved and alone".

However, today I remembered what it felt like to be a little kid on Valentine's Day. All the little heart shaped cards we would exchange w/ our classmates and our family. The candy hearts and chocolate kisses. The excitement when we got a special heart from a "crush". It was the promise of a day where expressing love was encouraged & celebrated, not scoffed at or made fun of.

I remembered too that when I was young, this day was MY day with my dad. No other dates were allowed. It was OUR day. We'd would go out to dinner, just the two of us. I looked forward to it all year - especially since our relationship has often been combative and contentious.

It was the one day we could hang out, enjoy a meal, talk about whatever (politics, dogs, the weather, crossword puzzles, school, etc.). It was lovely & it was loving. Which is what Valentine's Day should be, and it's what a relationship between Father and Daughter should be.

How ironic then that today, this rainy and gloomy V-Day for 2008, I should be moving my father to a Board & Care facility. I can't take care of him anymore, not by myself. Nor do I want to. It's been stressful and overwhelming and I don't like the angry person I'm becoming. I don't like how I am acting toward my daughter either (this isn't her fault). It's hard enough as it is to take care of her all by myself, but for the past 11 months I've really had TWO children (three if you count the dumb Pomeranian*).

Dad needs more care and attention than I can give without help. My daughter deserves a calm, loving, attentive mother.

I know this is the most loving thing I can do for him. I know that my obligations as a daughter only go as far as me making sure he is okay, safe, warm and taken care... it is NOT however my obligation to personally provide those things.

Even so, it's hard to make the decision.

When we placed my mother into full time care, she wasn't lucid and couldn't "protest". Though it took some time for her to acclimate to her new surroundings, she never gave us a hard time about moving her.

I know Dad will be okay no matter what. So will Dexy & I.

Really, this is only scary for me because I have defined myself as a "caretaker" for over a decade. My role as such is about to change forever. I actually have to consider the possibility that there are other, more important (and more LOVING) ways to define myself. I have to step outside of my "sphere of availability", my comfort zone, the proverbial box I've put myself in and try something completely different.

What I know about doing things different is that my life will get different. There may be some discomfort in that, but I've also learned that change is never a bad thing. Never.

For today, as scary as the impending change may seem, I'm also okay with it. There is no going backwards... only forward. Into the warm sun, a new path, a new experience, a new me.

Happy Valentines Day. To my dad of course. As well to my beautiful baby girl, my BF and to all my friends whom I love and cherish. No more will I think of this day as a contrived farce. It is what I make it. I choose to make it about LOVE. So, bring on the flowers, the cards, the chocolate, the sappy sentiments. It's all good. I welcome it and fully embrace the Girly-ness in me that loves to get a beautiful bouquet of tulips or wildflowers - or a card that simply says, "I love you."

The End.

*See Numero Uno for more about the Pomeranian (aka Evil Toto).