Sunday, March 16, 2008

For those who are confused

Gee, you are probably saying to yourself... "But wait, I thought she was dead set on moving to Portland?"

I was. And maybe I still am.

Funny how I have such quality problems today. A year or so ago I was struggling to make the mortgage, so I sold my little house and moved with my then 9 month old into the house I grew up in with my elderly dad (who isn't the nicest dude in the world I might add).

4 months later my mother was dead after a nearly 12 year battle w/ Alzheimer's and my whole world changed again. You just don't "get over" the death of a parent, no matter how sick they've been, or how "expected" it might have been.

So here I am, a year after aforementioned move and I have plenty of money, my dad is living in assisted living, my brother wants me out of this house by the end of May, and I can't make a decision about where the hell I should go to save my life.

Irony? Oh hell yeah.

The only real difference between Portland and Austin, save the obvious weather difference (let's not forget how much I loathe the heat), is that in one city I have family and friends whom I love dearly and who love me. The question is... when push comes to shove, how THERE for me will they really be? And ultimately, shouldn't I be able to create a "family" for Dexy no matter where I live?

I do know that this moving deal ain't just about me, it's about that precious little kid o'mine. I need to make a decision that will benefit her just as much, if not more, than me. Weather notwithstanding, I need to think about schools, activities, culture, morality, politics, bad (or good) influences, crime, housing costs, food costs, job markets, distance from her dad, etc.

Hence the trip to Seattle. Besides visiting one of my childhood friends who moved up there w/ her hubby and two boys last summer, I really want to take this next week to just BREATHE and think about the fact that I have so many choices today. I don't want to have "plans" or a house hunting agenda.

I want to meditate, pray, practice yoga, sit on the balcony sipping coffee (or wine) and look out on to Puget Sound and ask G-d for some answers.

Most of all, I want to get still enough to hear those answers.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Confused and unsure of what my next move should be (pardon the pun). I know I need to just be in this moment, I know I don't need to decide the rest of my life in this one day, but for all my belief & understanding of how this stuff works, putting it into practice is a whole other level & leap of faith.

Baby is awake. Time to go back to being Mom. Tomorrow we fly...

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