Friday, August 1, 2008

Not feeling it.

Hello to my 2 or 3 readers. How are things? Having a good summer? Read any good books?

Me? Well, I keep wanting to sit down and write. But every time I plop down into this hard-on-my-ass white folding chair, turn on the iMachine, etc. suddenly, I've got a big. fat. zero. Not one of those constantly floating in my head ideas pops forth, it's as if my brain has been erased by the glow of the monitor.

Nothing. Or least nothing I feel like talking about.

I don't know if I want to keep what I'm feeling & going through more closely guarded than I normally would, or if I'm just not feeling inspired, or if I am too easily distracted (Damn you Twitter!). Mostly I have so much going on, I'm really not even sure where to start.

Certainly, I miss my parents. A lot. I feel anchorless, rudderless, up shit creek without a paddle, or something nautical like that. I'm dreading the inevitable legal stuff that's coming down the pike soon w/ regard to their estate. I'm feeling really confused about what I'm supposed to do next, especially now that I'm not taking care of anyone other than my daughter & myself. You've gotta understand, I have defined myself as a caretaker for so long, I'm really not sure what else (or WHO else) I am.

I feel like I keep f**king things up too. With my friends, with my family, my daughter, my non-career, and with my ex. But the only way I know how to stop doing that is to just STFU and then push people away.

I feel angry again. I feel VERY uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel disconnected from others, but even more so I feel disconnected from myself. I'm afraid of how the next half of my life is going to turn out, and I'm afraid what Declan's will be like too. I feel like she is happier when she's with anyone else but me, and I don't blame her. Most of the time I think she'd be better off if she were with someone else. Lastly, I feel like my body has betrayed me, with it's stupid fibroid tumors, wonky thyroid, hot flashes, mood swings, puffed out belly, and the monthly bleed-a-thons from hell that I must endure.

So I guess that's about it. Until I know what to say, or how to say it with some level of dignity or grace, (or at the very least, with far less rancor) I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. Of course, those who know me know that I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so we'll see how long that lasts. Ha.

Meanwhile, to prove that I'm not all doom and gloom... Here is Top 10 List of some things I'd really like to do in the next year:

1) Learn how to Tango (Argentine style)
2) Learn how to use my new digital Canon SLR camera (& learn to use it well).
3) Practice Yoga at least 3 days a week
4) Meditate & practice Conscious Contact w/ Spirit daily
5) Travel to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Tucson & Santa Fe (in no particular order)
6) Get another dog
7) Remodel my kitchen & two bathrooms
8) Lose 50+ pounds
9) I want to FEEL good about what I see when I look in a mirror.
10) Join the Audubon Society & start birding regularly again.

That's all I can come up w/ today. Oh, one last thing... I have joined a group on Flickr that posts a picture a day for the whole month of August. You can see the set contributions I'm making HERE or HERE.


Cher ~


flutter said...

well look at you, writing!

Anonymous said...

Cheryl, what you are feeling - it's about right for where you are. I took care of my Mom, Dad, etc. You've lost the structure in your day. You don't have a place to go where someone has always known you. There is too much time on your hands.

So, no, NO ONE else could be better for Declan than you are.

Yup, angry is part of this grieving process, too.

Anne - Jeanne's Mom

Smiling, Beguiling said...

Thanks Ann (nice to see ya!) & @byflutter... :-)

Anonymous said...

You have been through so much the past few years - be gentle with yourself.

fivehusbands said...

You have been through so much the past few years - be gentle with yourself.

flutter said...

well look at you, writing!