Friday, March 6, 2009

No Outlet

Writing has always been a big outlet for me. Huge in fact. For decades, I did it in fancy journals, "old school" Comp Books & in college writing courses.

For the past 6+ years I've increasingly done it on "social networking" sites like MySpace, Blogger, FB, Twitter, BrightKite, Plurk, etc.

Some of my friends & family don't understand it. Many comment or criticize what I write. They complain that I'm "always on twitter" or "fiddling around on that damn iPhone". Often they are even hurt & offended by it.

I do take great care not to name any names. I know how the internet works. I've been on it since before Al Gore invented it. I wouldn't want anyone I love or care about being contacted by a random batsh*t crazy person who reads my blog. I've had that happen to me and let me tell ya, it totally sucks!

There is SO much going on in my life right now (really for the past 2 years). Insanely HUGE stuff. The kind of stuff that puts some people in the loony bin. Lately, I feel like I can't write about it in an open & honest way. Worse, I don't have anyone to talk to about it either.

Instead, it sits inside of me; a fuming, steaming, crazy, swirling, MESS. After several days or weeks of that kind of buildup, guess what? Combustion! It seeps out in insidious and plain awful ways. I use sarcasm & meanness to strike back. I avoid. I get flighty. I get lonely. I distract myself w/ food, TV, or Facebook (ha!). I cry in the shower. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm going to pass out or explode into a zillion little pieces. Fragmented.

I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I haven't developed very good "filters" to help me keep my effing mouth shut. I think it's called tact & no, I haven't got much of it. I'm impulsive. I'm emotional. I take things way too personally. I sulk. I get butt-hurt. Yep, I'm all of those things. That either makes me a crazy person or it just makes me a normal GIRL. At 42, I'm still not sure which!

But here's the thing, I don't want to lie or "pretend" either ... I don't want to smile through clenched teeth and say "I'm okay" when people ask "How are you?". B/c while there are indeed many good days, there are some that aren't so great. Grief is a tricky thing. Change is a tricky thing too. Going through either of those alone is just about the worst & most sucky experience I can imagine. And yet, I do it. Every day.

How do I explain honestly about how I'm really doing w/ the death of my parents, the sale of my childhood home, packing up & moving to another state, being a single parent, etc. to people who really don't want to know? How do I find an outlet to express myself creatively, constructively & healthily, where one seemingly no longer exists? How do I keep all this rage, sadness, frustration, etc. from my Real Life reigned in, when I no longer feel I have a safe place to go to shed it?

I don't have any answers. I'm sure I'll get a world of crap for this little rant too.

Life's a bitch. And so am I.


dannybelize said...

I hope you don't get shit for writing this - you're just being honest!

Samsmama said...

I saw your comment on LOTD and loved your name so I stalked you. If you notice somebody sitting on your page for awhile, it's just me. I'm going to get caught up. :)

Steph said...

Screw them. There is a Dr. Seuss quote I have stuck to my monitor:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

In my experience, it absolutely holds true. I'm not saying you have to be a raging bitch, but it's perfectly okay to expect that people who don't want to know what's in your head stay the hell off your blog. Just sayin'.

Chas said...

Just keep on keepin' on. That's somethin' I had to learn along the way.

Anonymous said...

I agree with your friend Steph. Also, I am always willing to listen to whatever you want to say.

Single Mom Seeking said...

I'm finally catching up with you over here. No crap from me. I get it, whoa, do I.

I find that writing about others' lives is when it becomes really tricky -- even if it's about you in the end. Let it out, however it feels right.

jjodanger said...

I agree with your friend Steph. Also, I am always willing to listen to whatever you want to say.