Today is another one of those days. I feel pretty damn hopeless & alone.
Lonely as hell too.
And it's days like this that I want to pick up old behaviors and bad habits; like cigarettes, or food, or just drink myself into a complete stupor, or hurt myself physically by sitting under the needle for hours having ink etched into my skin until it literally makes me cry AND bleed. Or to have stupid, meaningless sex so that I can feel something, ANYTHING but this rotten, stinking, self-loathing & emptiness.
Yeah, I know that I'm the only one who can "fix" me, no one else, and none of those vices are gonna fix what I'm feeling. And yeah, I know "this too shall pass"...
But what do you do in the meantime, until it does?
I know there has been a LOT of change in my life the past few years (see past posts). I also get that I have a direct part in all of it. I get that before tremendous growth, often comes tremendous growing pains.
I get that I'm supposed to SIT in it, not to try and skirt around it. There is no under, over or around. There is only THROUGH. But damnit. Sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I don't want to be "responsible". I don't always want to be the one who suits up and shows up. The one who always says, "I'm sorry." I hate that I'm the one doing the Parenting Class thing. I hate that I'm the one that feels lonely, alone, frustrated, out of control, & totally undone.
This is NOT meant to be a blanket statement, but from where I'm sitting, with the possible exception of Widowers or Single Fathers (who are solely raising their kids w/o any help from the moms), 99% of Dads just do not feel or experience these kinds of feelings when it comes to parenting. They get to detach from it b/c they are not the ones holding the bag 24/7 like moms are. And f**k dude, it isn't fair. It's not.
I'm just sayin'.
FWIW, these are MY feelings. Not a judgment or commentary on anyone else's life, or personal struggles, or feelings. I only know what I know based on my own experience, my own feelings, needs/wants, etc.
Speaking of which, today in class we learned about NEEDS... and that every single thing we do as human beings (children and adults) is a STRATEGY for INSURING that our NEEDS are being MET.
So, when I'm frustrated. When I'm scared. When I feel alone, or lonely, or angry... which of my needs are not being met? And why is it when those needs aren't being met do I FEEL it's appropriate to take it out on my kid (or friends, or family, or lover, or the dog...)?
Examples of some of my current needs that I don't feel are being met:
Equity. Autonomy. Empathy. Security. Support (emotional). Shared workload. Sleep/Rest.
These are merely a few that come to mind off the top of my head.
Yeah, yeah. I'll get through this. I'm strong. And what doesn't kill us, makes us even stronger.
But damn if it wouldn't be nice, just once and awhile, if I felt like SOMEONE actually acknowledged, validated, HEARD &/or respected just how f**king hard this Mom thing, this Grownup thing and this Finding Me thing, is.
Meanwhile, I still want to self-medicate it all away. I'm not gonna. But I want to.
This too shall pass.