Saturday, May 31, 2008

She's Come Undone

Today is another one of those days. I feel pretty damn hopeless & alone.

Lonely as hell too.

And it's days like this that I want to pick up old behaviors and bad habits; like cigarettes, or food, or just drink myself into a complete stupor, or hurt myself physically by sitting under the needle for hours having ink etched into my skin until it literally makes me cry AND bleed. Or to have stupid, meaningless sex so that I can feel something, ANYTHING but this rotten, stinking, self-loathing & emptiness.

Yeah, I know that I'm the only one who can "fix" me, no one else, and none of those vices are gonna fix what I'm feeling. And yeah, I know "this too shall pass"...

But what do you do in the meantime, until it does?

I know there has been a LOT of change in my life the past few years (see past posts). I also get that I have a direct part in all of it. I get that before tremendous growth, often comes tremendous growing pains.

I get that I'm supposed to SIT in it, not to try and skirt around it. There is no under, over or around. There is only THROUGH. But damnit. Sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I don't want to be "responsible". I don't always want to be the one who suits up and shows up. The one who always says, "I'm sorry." I hate that I'm the one doing the Parenting Class thing. I hate that I'm the one that feels lonely, alone, frustrated, out of control, & totally undone.

This is NOT meant to be a blanket statement, but from where I'm sitting, with the possible exception of Widowers or Single Fathers (who are solely raising their kids w/o any help from the moms), 99% of Dads just do not feel or experience these kinds of feelings when it comes to parenting. They get to detach from it b/c they are not the ones holding the bag 24/7 like moms are. And f**k dude, it isn't fair. It's not.

I'm just sayin'.

FWIW, these are MY feelings. Not a judgment or commentary on anyone else's life, or personal struggles, or feelings. I only know what I know based on my own experience, my own feelings, needs/wants, etc.

Speaking of which, today in class we learned about NEEDS... and that every single thing we do as human beings (children and adults) is a STRATEGY for INSURING that our NEEDS are being MET.

Uh. Wow.

So, when I'm frustrated. When I'm scared. When I feel alone, or lonely, or angry... which of my needs are not being met? And why is it when those needs aren't being met do I FEEL it's appropriate to take it out on my kid (or friends, or family, or lover, or the dog...)?

Examples of some of my current needs that I don't feel are being met:
Equity. Autonomy. Empathy. Security. Support (emotional). Shared workload. Sleep/Rest.

These are merely a few that come to mind off the top of my head.

Yeah, yeah. I'll get through this. I'm strong. And what doesn't kill us, makes us even stronger.

But damn if it wouldn't be nice, just once and awhile, if I felt like SOMEONE actually acknowledged, validated, HEARD &/or respected just how f**king hard this Mom thing, this Grownup thing and this Finding Me thing, is.

Meanwhile, I still want to self-medicate it all away. I'm not gonna. But I want to.

This too shall pass.

The End.


Crunchy Carpets said...

The mom thing IS matter what your 'status' is...

There is so much to deal remember, to are wracked with guilt over every little worry all the time...

And sucks that we can't let that go for even five minutes like dads seem to do..though I know they worry and stress too..just not the way we do or about the same things.

mY_LiLdEviL said...

Cheryl, my darling, I adore that when I feel like no one else understands you express the feelings that roll around my brain so wonderfullly!

You are an outstanding human being who was given a gift from your Higher Power, and along with it a HUGE challenge. I'd like to quote G-d from 'Evan Almighty' and while most people think it's silly that I quote that retarded movie it makes sense...'When someone prays for patience, do you think God just give them patience? No, he gives them the oppurtunity to be patient. When someone prays for courage, do you think he just gives that person courage? No, he gives them the chance to find their courage. It is in the challenge that we find what we are praying for...' And, he goes on and on but, the point I am hoping to make is that G-d, your G-d gave you this as an oppurtunity to learn and become a better woman, mother, friend, person and so on. HE/SHE wouldn't have put you right here, right now if their was not faith that you could rise to the occasion and learn from this too.

Right now may suck, but the next right now will be a step forward in the right direction...and, you can handle it Mama. I have faith in you and what your Higher Power has given you.

Smiling, Beguiling said...

Oh Deanna.... you are my hero right now for reminding me that G-d has given me everything I need, and then some. THANK YOU for all that you teach me about being a good mom! I love you oodles!

Anonymous said...

'Sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I don't want to be "responsible". I don't always want to be the one who suits up and shows up. The one who always says, "I'm sorry."'

Me and this feeling are conjoined sisters.

Ms. Single Mama said...

It is hard isn't it - no one really gets how hard it is to be a single mom. I love this post and glad I found you ... definitely can relate to the temptation to just drown your sorrows in drugs, alcohol and sex.

I think you might like my blog and if you have a chance - check out - a really cool social network that will hopefully take away some of that loneliness.

Ms. Single Mama

jjodanger said...

'Sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I don't want to be "responsible". I don't always want to be the one who suits up and shows up. The one who always says, "I'm sorry."'

Me and this feeling are conjoined sisters.